Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Just Be Kind.

"Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You"

I wrote an entire blog entry about kindness.  How last year, this community came together as one and helped one another and now that bond had shattered and people are capable of being assholes again.  I wrote about how hateful people are now (the majority of people on every side of every issue) and how people's actions speak a million times louder than their words.  I touched on the amazing and downright worst invention in the history of the world: the internet.

But, I deleted it.  Why?

Because, I would be told I am wrong.  It would only be proving my point but at the same time, I have found that it isn't good to write when you're angry.  Yes, that's their opinion and they are allowed it, because I am human and allow people their feelings. But, it doesn't help anything.

Instead, I shall write this.

Be kind to the people around you. Don't be so quick to judge them based on whatever reason you have decided to judge them.  Acknowledge that we are a planet of billions of people who are different in every way and yet, the same in every way. 

We are human beings at the end of the day.  An amazing creation that can come in many different colors, shapes, sizes, and with this incredible ability to speak and think and create and love and improve on things we do, every single day.  We can create good in this world but, instead, it seems that the world rather ride the waves of hate and hurting people however they can.

Anger and hatred only lead to a dead end.  Nothing good comes from it. Do you know where the good comes from?  Human Kindness. Respect. Acknowledging our differences and realizing that we need those differences to grow.

Your actions to your fellow humans, family members, friends, acquaintances, co-workers ... that speaks louder than your voice.  People remember when you hurt them.  There's a lot of talk in the world today about inclusion.  People get very upset when they are left out of things they feel they should be a part of ... and then do the very same thing to others.

The next time you want to say something mean and hurtful, because you'll feel this rush of superiority if you say it ... stop and think.  Does it do any good in the world beside give you a feeling of superiority? Does purposefully hurting others actually do any good at all?

No.  It doesn't. 

So, please, just be kind to one another.

Monday, October 8, 2018

It began as any other day

One year ago, the people of Sonoma County went about their day like any other.  It was a warm, breezy Sunday. People did what people do without any indication that after the sun set for the night, everything about their lives would change.

I certainly didn't because I made flippant remarks about not coming in any earlier because I was tired of working. Many times in the last year I wish I could go back and not make such a statement.  It wouldn't have changed anything but I feel like it was such a dumb thing to say.  A moment of allowing a temper tantrum to get the best of me.

I am one of the lucky ones.  I emerged on the other side of that month of fires unscathed. I have my home, I have my life still intact, and I am not changed other than the fact that I am a lifelong member of Sonoma County saddened by the devastation and loss that we experienced. My heart broke repeatedly that month but not for the reasons of many others.  My heart broke as a spectator who felt helpless at what was happening all around me. I did all I could do, I hunkered down ... and I worked.

I might be a little more anxious at times as was mentioned in yesterday's post.  But, I've been an anxiety riddled worrywart for my entire 38+ years on this planet.  I have grown as a person in the last year.  I am more patient with people, I am not as quick to anger as I used to be. I embrace the blessings in my life and acknowledge my struggles as blessings as well. I've always had this thought in my head that things could be worse than they are and October 2017 really sent that thought home and cemented it for all eternity.  Things could always be worse.

That being said, there isn't a single part of me that doesn't wish that we could go back and never have that happen. I wish all of the people affected ... weren't. Homes still standing, lives still being lived. Businesses still where they were, continuing on like any other day ... like they were on the afternoon of October 8th, 2017.

It is often said with the grieving process that it isn't until the first anniversary that you can finally start to feel any sort of healing.  Not forgetting, not moving on completely, just that it is the first year  is down.  Not having lost anything, I don't know if that same thing still applies here.  I can only hope for those affected that it is true.

There are homes being rebuilt all over the place, but that doesn't mean that the events of last October will ever be forgotten.  I am merely an observer and won't forget what was observed.  It probably won't be for dozens of years that people feel any sort of normalcy again.  And, who knows if they ever will.  Not to sound like a Debbie Downer but emotional scars take far longer to heal.  People experienced absolute terror and no amount of house rebuilding and regular life living will ever take that away.

I pray for those still facing their personal battles whether it be still sorting through the red tape of having a home rebuilt, putting the pieces of a fractured life back together, or fighting against emotional battles that may not be outwardly visible to those around them but are not any less real to those having to put up the fight.

We learned last year that we are all members of this Sonoma County community.  It seems at times that we have forgotten that lesson.  In honor of those we lost and the events of that night, I hope that we can come together and feel like one community again.

I hope wherever you are today, you can find some tiny moments of peace to get you through the memories of a year ago.

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Thoughts can sink ships

Guess whose back .... back again ...

The world that is my life got a little topsy turvy since I last wrote.  Some of you who know me may look at me and go "How do you figure?"

You see, my friend, things are not always as they seem.  It's like the image of an iceberg.  Cute, tiny, little white triangle sticking out of the water ... GINORMOUS trapezoid with sharp edges under the surface.  Now, I am not saying there is anything about me that is cute and tiny. It's just an analogy.  Kind of like a duck on the surface of a pond.  It appears they are floating along but their little feet are rapidly paddling away beneath them.   I may smile and continue working 80 hours a week, but it doesn't mean that all is well within me.

Because, it isn't.  It's better now, but it was very bad there for a bit.

I can't exactly pinpoint what it is.  It could be a mash up of my life experiences and past traumas and emotional dings that I never dealt with finally becoming a roadblock I couldn't just breeze past. All I know was it was one moment, I was normal-ish and then the next, I wasn't.

My mind wouldn't shut the f*** up. I was quite literally in a state of panic about losing my house, my car, my dog, my husband, ... my job ... you name it!  I was fixated on whether or not I was making enough money so that the above losses wouldn't happen.  Even though I work plenty of extra hours (understatement of the year) and was in no danger of losing any of those things.  I believe, in the only logical way I can, that I felt this way because it seemed like money was something I could control.  I could work more if I needed to (please ... not anymore than I am right now!!!) It is the only thing I can control in this world.  Need money?  Work more. 

I wouldn't consider myself a control freak but when I look back on my life, alllllllll the way back to when I was but a wee child, I have worried about things that are out of my realm of control.  My parents being alive.  I freaked out about that on the regular.  It was something I was afraid of and I felt that if I worried enough, it would never happen.  Well ... I guess I didn't worry enough. 

No, I am not so naive that I truly believe I could have saved my parents.  I couldn't have.  What happened to them is a part of my journey and I wouldn't be the person I am if they were still here.  Because I was a bratty-ass teenager.  Could there have been a different life lesson to turn me around?  Sure, but God chose this path for me and that is what happened.

Anyway, I was literally blinded, hobbled, and crippled by my anxiety.  I needed to be at home when i wasn't at work.  I felt safe if I was at home at night.  I was with the husband and dog the house, etc.  But, I lost something in that time.  I wasn't going to the gym. 

Ironically, CrossFit is what pulled me through some of the heavier bouts of depression that would bloom and I wasn't going to do that.  I was going straight home from work and hibernating inside.  Even though, my little voice in my head was telling me what a loser I was for missing the gym AGAIN!  Then, when I'd eat something bad, oooh boy she really liked to lay into me with the fact that I was eating like shit and not working out. 

My inner voice is a bitch.  I hate her. 

Miraculously, during this horrific, self-loathing, self-hatred, anxiety avalanche of struggle and depression, I found a way to fight it head on.  Because we live in a world where people like to attack others for their choices, lifestyle, or anything that people disagree with I will keep what it is to myself.  But, it helped me ... tremendously.  Am I 100% better?  HAHAHA, that's funny.  But, I am able to fight this. 

One of the favorite things I have read in dealing with this was this:

"Just because a thought exists, doesn't make it true." 

It's a thought.  It's like the internet, it can have whatever your little heart imagines up and can make you think it's true beyond a reasonable doubt.  It can make you absolutely lose your ever-lovin' mind ... and for what? Does thinking something make it true? 


I still find myself struggling from time to time with various different things. But, I also think I, and my favorite co-pilot, are getting a better grip on the reins and I am sitting more sure in the saddle. 

I am learning a lot about myself in this battle. I am realizing that I cannot fix what is wrong on the outside of me if the inside of me is jacked up.  I tried that.  I become obsessed and even more judgmental of myself than I should be because I haven't stifled that inner bitch.  She needs to shut her hole before I can have a healthy view of life.

I'm starting to get CrossFit back into my routine.  I've gone once a week for the last two weeks.  I'd like to go 3x this week but I won't beat myself up if I go twice.  I have to allow myself some wiggle room.  I am not a failure if I don't go.  Just don't give up, right?

I have a better perspective on a lot of things but I am not perfect.  I have a LONG way to go and may never be perfect. Is anyone perfect?  No.  Remember, appearances can be deceiving!!

If you are thinking bad things, just remember, the thought isn't exactly true just because it is there.  I know this is easier said than done.  I know this and I know there are people who have entire planets of struggle in their path and it won't just be gone that easily.  It's just something I like to use to help me sort through what I do need to worry about and what I don't. 

There is so much good in my life.  I truly am blessed ... I just get blinded sometimes.  It happens and it will happen again I am sure.

I hope you are well. 

Thursday, July 5, 2018

My own worst enemy.

It is often said that we are our own worst enemies.  We critique ourselves harder and put more pressure on ourselves to succeed than anyone else around us will.

It is this statement that has led me to think I was just riding myself hard for so many years.  I wouldn't allow myself to get too confident in anything, because there is always room for improvement, etc.  Yes, that is still true.  We can always be just a smidge or more better ... HOWEVER, I took it to an entirely new extreme.

I don't think I've ever truly let myself be proud of myself for anything, not for more than a moment.  I might say that I am ... and there have been flashes of things that I have been super proud of.  Alas, that moment of pride quickly dissolves into an inner monologue about being too cocky, and coming across as a braggart.  So, even when I am happy about something, that vicious voice inside me rips me apart.


I think not.

Here's something I've discovered with the help of an amazing YouTube Channel (Lose It Like Lauren) ... Being healthy isn't just about diet/exercise.  It requires an enormous amount of mental strength as well.   If the mental strength isn't there ... the rest of it is bound to fail. And, I believe that you can follow thousands of positive thinking instagram pages, and hit like on several positive self talk memes but ... unless you believe those words and actively implement it into your own mindset ... it won't work.

How do I know this? 

I struggle with this daily!! Good lord, my mind is horrifically abusive to me. I am admitting it.  I am so terrible to myself.  Some people may already know this just based on being around me. But, it's SO true.  Like ... beyond true!! I need a more powerful word than true. 

I am the first to say I'm fat, or I'm ugly, or I am not good enough, I'm not smart.  I can't do a pull up, I can't run, I can't  .... I can't ... I can't ... or I am not ... I am not ... I am not.  Seriously!  This is like a loop in my head.  It starts first thing in the morning when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror while I am headed to the shower.  *cringe* It continues with a monologue about whatever parts I dislike in the shower.  Then, I try to do my hair and get frustrated because I hate my hair. I need to cut it, I want to dye it again but I don't have the money ... I don't know how to do my hair.  I'll just pull it up again ... blah blah blah.

See where this is headed?  Nowhere good, trust me.

This continues throughout the day, getting worse and worse until I am a wound up ball of negativity.  When this ball of negativity heads off to my favorite place in the whole county (CrossFit) it only implodes even more.  Because there will be something up on the board like ... running.  My mind instantly rages at me for being such a fat ass that can't even run 200m without stopping. 

This cannot be beneficial to me.  And, it certainly hasn't been. 

I lost 80 lbs not that long ago on Kaiser's liquid diet thing.  I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to for 6 months!!! Somehow, I managed to do that and was successful.   But, as soon as I was on my own and not too good at the cooking/eating dept and faced with HUGE stress at work and not working out and the weight creeped up ... that voice got louder and louder about how I am such a failure because I gained back so much weight.

How am I supposed to overcome this voice?  I am not 100% sure but I am certainly going to try.  I am making a list of things I want to accomplish (crossfit goals, etc) and I am going to write down my weight loss goals as well with their little mini rewards and you know what?  I am going to celebrate EVERYTHING I DO.  Yes, everything.  I am going to post my workouts ... and how I did.  I am going to post my weight loss, I am going to celebrate when I get through a day without cheating ...

It might be annoying to y'all but I am warning you ahead of time so that you can block me if you need to. 


I have felt my brain go into dark corners that I never imagined it would ... led there by my vicious inner voice.  She's a bitch and I am trying to take my life back.  So, if you have to not follow me ... I am OK with that because I intend on living many more years and I want those years to be happy and productive and healthy.

I can do this. I know I can.  I've been vigilant with things before and now ... I intend to be vigilant with this.  I will do all I can to stay on top of myself, to squash those dark thoughts and negative words with something else.  If that's taking my 500th selfie for the month to post my face to the world because that is my face as it is right now and ... it's perfectly fine to look the way it does.

Wanna come with me on this journey?  Then, follow along!

Thursday, May 10, 2018

It's Just Me Versus Me.

It's Thursday.  Are you kidding me? My competition is THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW!!  

Cue mini-panic attack. Holy Schnikes! 

Am I ready?  About as ready as I can be. Did I lock my nutrition in the way I wanted to before this day?  No. Did I lose, like, 20 lbs?  Also no. But ... can I do the workouts without dying?  Yes.  100% Yes.  That's what matters right? 

I feel every single butterfly that is flying a swirling vortex inside my stomach and try to talk to them and tell them that I made it through the Open.  But then, all those little butterflies remind me that I did the Open in my box, my gym, with my people.  My judges. My environment. My safety net. Saturday I will be in another city, at another box, with strangers doing the judging.  I don't have many movements where I think a No Rep could be called but it could happen.  A few of my wall balls weren't as low on our last practice so that needs to stay in my mind but ... what's a few extra wall balls, right? 

One of the coaches asked me, "What's the worst that could happen?" My answer: Nothing.  

I meant it too. Because, unless I topple off a box and crack my head open ... what is the worst possible thing that could happen?  Not a dang thing.  Am I dreaming of standing up on the podium, placing in my first competition.  No.  I'm not dreaming of that.  Nothing is riding on that.  There's nothing riding on the results of Saturday. 

But what if we place last?  So what?! I don't care if we place all the way at the bottom. I've already talked about the reasoning behind this feeling. 

Last place beats did not finish which will always beat Did Not Even Start!  Now, I am not talking about people who don't do CrossFit. Everyone has their own thing.  This is mine.  I'm talking about the girl I was a year ago when people talked about the Open or competitions.  I said "I will never be able to do that" and for a long time, I actually was fully convinced of that line of thinking.  

Nope.  I'll never be able to compete in this sport. 

Perhaps, not professionally, no. But, does everyone that signs up for a 5K do it as a professional runner? Last I checked, no.  Thank goodness, because I have done 5Ks and we all know how amazing I am as a runner.  

Yes, I'll wait while you get yourselves up off the floor from laughing so hard. 

All better?  Cool. 

This is all about me pushing myself beyond my 'comfort zone'.  I do it every session at CrossFit. I stare at the workout and figure out if I can do it RX (or as prescribed on the board) or if I have to scale part or all of it.  I push myself to do as much of it RX as I can.  And, I don't beat myself up if I can't. I started to last night when I was all over the RX deadlift weight in our WOD but then couldn't do an RX box jump.  But who cares? I honestly feel more exhausted doing step ups than the small little bitty box jumps I can do so in a way, I was happier for the more exhausted feeling. 

Beyond all the nerves and anxiety I am feeling there is something else buzzing around inside me. 


Because I am, quite literally, unbelievably excited. My mind toggles back and forth between fear at the approaching day and wishing it would get here.  There are 21 of us competing and a bunch more coming to cheer us on.  It's going to be a blast.  I feel like the day is going to just fly by and then it will be back home and back to regular ol' workouts and I'll be all sad.  So, I am trying to focus more on the excitement feelings and I will be trying to take pictures and document as much as I can when the day is here. 

And, then I'll be wondering, WHEN IS THE NEXT ONE?! 

Saturday, April 28, 2018

I don't have the keys!

My body loves to remind me constantly that I am not the one in the drivers' seat.  Wegener's took they keys away from me 6 years ago and refuses to give them back. What a tool.

Infusion was done mid-February and beginning of March so I should be rolling great right now and for the most part, I am!  However, for three weeks my voice has played hide and seek and my cough roars out of me like a harbor seal ... sometimes uncontrollably so. Now, I am no stranger to bronchitis since the inception of this here disease and I know that coughs linger for months.  But the way my voice is acting up too and the fact that my cough is getting worse and not better has reminded me that I am not in control of how things go.

I had hoped to be back on the 4x a week CrossFit train by now, but I am holding steady at 3x a week.  Which, let's be honest, is not something to be disappointed in.  That's a pretty good schedule, especially for someone who appears grossly out of shape like me. But, it's not where I wanted my butt to be by now and I blame this friggin' cough and these busted up lungs.

I should have been there at CrossFit last night.  But, I coughed and coughed all day, my chest was tight like someone had wrapped a thick band around it and was squeezing and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. In short, I felt absolutely terrible.  Knowing that my work schedule spreads out in front of me for eternity, I knew I needed to bow out and lie down.  I was asleep by 7:15 p.m.

Certainly a sign of me needing a break.

Today's not much better.  My lungs hurt pretty badly but ... I am more awake at least.  I am positive and looking forward, learning that this disease is a serious butthole and I sometimes have to just listen to it.  I have known this and have repeated it to myself before but I feel like I am actually believing it now.  I've been reading a lot about how to face certain things, how to deal with negativity, accept it, and not let it get under those super tender layers because ... it isn't about me.  Even if something does seem directed at me, it's not.  It's them, that old adage, yadda yadda.  But, weirdly, I'm starting to get it.  I am starting to understand it.  Because, I see it in myself.  I see when I react at something that it's me doing it.  I am in control of how I react and often times, the negative reaction gives control over to other people and ... I have enough problems with my disease controlling me, I don't need people to be able to do that as well.

Definitely trying to find the balance with that but I am a much happier person at work.  I manage to stay just this side of the swirling vortex of drama and if it touches me, it's just enough to shake it off at the gym.

Do I still get anxious about what I can't control?  Sure, but I also have been better at dealing with it.

Health isn't just physical. Mental Health is just as important as physical health because they affect each other.  Physically unwell, you're going to get depressed, anxious, sad, etc.  Mentally unwell can keep you out of doing active things that you enjoy which could lead to bad physical health with illness, etc.  So you see, the two have to work well together.

I am trying to work on both so that I can be happier.

I use to say that there was no point in doing all this saving for retirement because I'll never make it that far.  Why would I say something so terrible?  Well, historical facts.  My parents never made it out of their 40s. My grandparents (minus one great grandmother and my stepgrand parents who don't share my biology) all died fairly young into their lives.  So ... longevity is not something that runs in my blood so why not live now!?

Except, I did a bit too much of that and am paying off debt for it. And, the living I did wasn't even like grand vacations and what not. Nope, just went to restaurants out of my price range and lived beyond my means. But, every action has a consequence so ... I must pay these things off.  And I will it's just a matter of time. Thankfully, we are beyond short staffed at work so there are plenty of extra hours available.

I got a little off track ... OK, back to my train of thought.  I'm trying to work now on both those health things so that I can enjoy my years ahead because I plan on having them. I plan on getting through the next couple years and being mostly debt-free (that house payment isn't going anywhere for awhile!) and being able to plan what happens after I am done with work.  Because, when I started, 30 years felt much longer than it actually is as I cruise halfway through my 16th year with the department.  Over halfway to 30 years. It's time to start realizing what comes next is something I need to plan for.

And I plan on being alive and healthy for it.  Will I be cured of Wegener's?  No. It's not curable. It's definitely manageable and I plan on having this dumb thing so managed that I don't need medications for awhile. Not there yet but ... maybe after the next infusion?  I also plan on being more physically fit so that I can spend my days off (because I will have more of them someday) hiking or ... going and DOING STUFF!  I must do ALL THE THINGS!

I may not be in the drivers' seat of my life ... but I am at least going to make sure my driver is a reliable one that will get me where I need to go in a somewhat safe manner.

What are you going to do today that helps your health, be it physical or mental? Do something that makes you feel good.  If that's just being cozy and doing nothing?  Well, by all means, do it and enjoy the hell out of it.

Take care!

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Worst liar in the world? THE SCALE!

Before I write this I must give a disclaimer.  I know I don't look fit at all. Like, not even in the slightest bit. But, this squishy body is getting seriously stronger. 

OK, got that out of the way.  Here's a little backstory:

I weigh myself every day. Five out of ten people will say this is not a good idea because the scale fluctuates up and down, blah blah blah. But, the other five people will be in the same camp as me.  This keeps me wholly accountable.  I didn't do this before I was introduced to the horrific, yet effective, drug known as Prednisone. More specifically, high dose prednisone. 60mg a day. To put it in perspective, most doctors prescribe 10mg or so for an infection and you taper off that over a period of time.  People usually gain some weight on just that small taper dose because that drug seriously messes with your body.  So multiply that by 6! Imagine the things I was feeling when that drug was working to stop my immune system from going after whatever it could. On top of that, I had ZERO energy and felt like shit every day so I wasn't doing anything to counteract the EXTREME hunger that came along with it. 

Anyway, I gained a ton of weight and since trying to get that weight off, I've become well attuned to the scale and watching to make sure I never reach numbers that I had in the past.  It also helps me monitor when I've had good sleep or not and the amount of hours because it will go up 1-2 lbs with little or crappy sleep.

On the flip side, it's not going down from the 30lbs I've gained since starting CrossFit. I've already covered how I did that but to sum up: eating like crap and not being consistent with exercise and good healthy foods.  Even working out regularly can't fix that - we've already covered that ... moving on.

So the scale isn't moving.  OK, I lied, it's inching.  But I'd rather it inch and stay away than drop quickly and return just as quickly as it has in the past.

In my head, I know what I weigh and that translates in my messed up brain to being out of shape, etc. Yet, I walk into the gym, I look at the workout which seems IMPOSSIBLE and then somehow ... I finish it. I may have scaled some of the movements but, I finished. And, we do our strength sessions and the weight is going up, and my form is getting better. For instance, we've been doing multiple rounds of high reps (3 sets of 10-15 at 80% of a certain max that we had) and I finish them at a higher number! It's incredibly motivating.

So, somewhere underneath the squishy stuff is muscle and it's growing and getting stronger.

My pants are also bigger than they should be in correlation to the number on the scale.  I feel better.  I have more energy and even though I might moan and groan that something is sore, I know it's sore because whatever I did is working. It means I used those muscles, even the teeny tiny ones somewhere hidden that we don't talk about.

I look at that scale in the morning and want to be angry but I know it's lying to me. It's just a number that doesn't directly translate to me. I know that I am strong. I can deadlift 320lbs (probably more but that was what I hit just before the fires), I can back squat almost 200 lbs.  I was flinging 85 lbs into the air easily last night during the workout.  I think I can do a 100lb thruster (need to try it - last time was 90 and I was certain I could go higher).  My snatch is UGLY but it's getting there.  I can power snatch almost 100 - it's the squat part that throws me.  My squat clean is also getting there.  Thinking of dropping below a heavy barbell makes my brain scream that I am going to hurt my knees so I am hesitant but ... I did 135 lbs last time and dropped under it and was so happy.  I know I could do more.  My power clean is higher than that.

I am strong. It might not look like it but I am.  And I am getting stronger ... and I will eventually look the way that I feel and that ... will just be icing on the cake.

Don't always listen to the scale - it's there to discourage you and make you feel bad about yourself. Listen to how you feel ... listen to what you are able to do. It's easier said than done, believe me, I know! Because I also do the very same thing.  And then, it takes a good night at CrossFit to make me realize that I am capable of a LOT more than what my weight says I am.  I still can't run for shit without having to stop and wheeze terribly to catch my breath.  But I'll get there.  I also can't do a pull up or rope climb because I am a heavy weight and to be able to do that is to be able to get that weight up in the air. It's not there yet, but it will be.

We need to be kinder to ourselves, and each other.  Girls, listen to me, we need to be nicer to each other.  I feel like we are the worst to one another, always judging people for how they look, talk, etc. We can be so vicious to each other and to ourselves. We don't have to look like the model on the cover of the magazine because even she doesn't look like that! Be amazed at what you're capable of doing, of what you've accomplished.  Be proud of yourself for getting up and walking even if it is just to the end of the block and back.  Instead of getting upset that you're winded, look around you and admire the blue of the sky or the green of the grass.  I get upset during running workouts because I'm walking ... but I am doing something and that isn't something to be upset about so I get it.  I do it too.

We are a marvel. We are capable of so much. And, when we are upset that we can't do ______, remember that there are those people who wish they could do what we can. Life is a gift, every single day is a gift. Find the good in each day because there is always something.

You are not a number on a scale. I am not a number on a scale. I am strong.  I am getting better every single day.  Do I wish I could change things about my life currently?  Hell yes, but I have spent far too many days dwelling on what isn't going to change for awhile.  It will change, yes.  But for now, I must put one foot in front of the other, and take my life one day at a time. Tomorrow's going to come anyway ... and I will have wasted today, worrying about tomorrow.

I hope that you have a beautiful day whatever you are doing. Be kind to yourself, be kind to those you know and who you may come across.  Just be kind.