Thursday, February 28, 2013

Anticipation is dangerous

I think I am going to lose my mind. I'm still sick and every day I feel worse.  I'm trying SO hard to work my hours and be around my friends at work and do my job but it's getting harder and harder every day.  The worst part?  I have no explanation for it.  My cancer isn't making me sick.  I still have yet to feel better after falling ill.  I don't have answers for it.  I don't have medications I can take to feel better.  I have nothing.  And ... I've heard not a peep about my lung biopsy. 

Could the mysterious splotchy thing in my lung be the reason for my malaise and illness?  Is it Wegener's Granulomatosis for real?  The disease they initially went looking for in my first biopsy? I tested positive for it in my blood work but that wasn't enough for a diagnosis.  Is my splotch part of that?  It explains why I feel so horrible, why my cough won't go away and is just getting worse and worse.  Is it something else inside me that's making my body attack itself? Whatever is going on, this nonstop feeling sick, coughing, throwing up, dizzy spell feeling is driving me crazy.

And the waiting?  OMG, the waiting for answers about the biopsy is enough to make me crazy too.  I'll be cruising along just fine, thinking there's nothing to find in my lungs and then poof, the bad thoughts start creeping in and my mind is in a tailspin. 

Is the splotch another plasmacytoma?  Is it a different cancer?  Pre-cancer? Is it just plan ol' tissue?  Is it Wegener's? Is it infection?  Is it plain inflammation? Am I going to go on with radiation?  Do I have to start chemo?

I know I shouldn't worry and shouldn't think about it.  That's so easier said than done.  Especially when every one I talk to has the same question ... Any news? My family had an old saying we always relied on "No News is Good News".  But is it in this case?  Because until then my fate can go several different directions.  Once there is news, it will all be concrete and I'll know whether to actually freak out, or sigh with relief. 

How long is it supposed to take? It feels like this is too long.  How hard is it to look at the dang thing under a microscope?! I'll do it for them if they show me what I am supposed to be looking for.  At least then, I'll know what's going on and how to proceed with my life.

Anticipation is a BAD BAD THING!

1 comment:

  1. OMG, I had no idea. Please update this thing when you get the results of the biopsy. I'll be thinking of you.