This morning seemed fantastic. I got up with the puppy since hubby worked til 0200am last night and took him out. I showered, fed the dog, gave him his antibiotic since he has an upset tummy, played with him in the living room, packed up my medications to take once I got some food in my stomach and loaded Loki into the truck. I decided since I was going to be at work and Dad had a side job whenever he decided to roll out of bed that Loki would get to go play at daycare and get a nice bath and pedicure.
It was when I was outside getting yesterday's mail out of the mailbox that I remarked to myself that I felt good. I was happy. I felt like myself again.
Perhaps ... I shouldn't have acknowledged it. Because while I was driving, the crap came back like a tidal wave. And, trust me, I wasn't thinking about it. I was enjoying the music, the sunshine, talking to my dog in the car. I wasn't dwelling on anything. Suddenly, the cough and chest tightness returned, the woozy, dizzy feelings, and the desire to race back home and curl up in a ball under the covers was on me like a ten ton brick.
Also, I was incredibly overwhelmed by the word Cancer. Granted, I am SO lucky as far as cancer goes in that most of it has more than likely been removed. But, it still makes you take a long look at your own mortality. Not that I have entertained the "Omg, I could die thoughts" since my biopsies came back good but ... the fact that cancer was somehow able to take root in my body. It was somehow able to get there. And, could come back again somewhere else, and a lot worse. I'm not ready to be done with this world. Thinking of leaving my family, of devastating those little boys of mine who have already been so much in their short lives ... someone else raising my dog, being with my husband, ... my stepmom having to lose someone else ... of life going on without me ... it gets heavy at times. I don't know why my mind went there. It is such a beautiful day and maybe I was caught up in that. I was caught up in how amazing life is and can be that I don't ever want to leave it.
I was able to shake off the Debbie-Downer thoughts before I got here to work. It's Saturday, I get a teeny baby overtime shift, and I get to work with my Saturday people. Some of my co-workers today I haven't seen since this whole nonsense began and I was excited to be here with them and have a good time. This is one of the little things. It's going to be a good shift, (already an hour over!)and I'm going to have a good day. Life is going to be good and I will do my best to keep those bad thoughts out of my head.
I was also able to actually take ALL of my medication today. I'll confess that I haven't been able to choke down the Calcium pills. They are huge and I have to take two of them twice a day. I should take them first because the Prednisone is SO bitter that I get really over the pill swallowing by the time I get to the GIANT horse pills needed to keep me from breaking my bones or having pre-mature osteoporsis. Because wouldn't that be fun to add to my disease repertoire. Not only could I face early menopause once I start the rest of the Wegener's/GPA medications but I'll be an osteoporitic person too, a 33 yr old old lady!!! No thanks. I plan on being in fantastic shape once I shake all this off me.
I heard one of my favorite songs today while driving here "Catch my Breath" by Kelly Clarkson. I just love her, don't you? Anyway, the lyrics were very poignant for me. The whole song really speaks to me but this verse especially ...
Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith kinda comes around
I'll spent the rest of my life
I will spend the rest of my life making sure my family knows how much I love them, I will travel and do things and enjoy life each and every second I have. I've been given a major wake-up call and I don't intend to waste my second chance at living life.
Maybe it's not so bad to think about one's mortality every once in awhile. We all die, life isn't a guarantee, no one is promised any amount of time. It can all end in an instant whether it be cancer, a car accident, a tree falls on you, whatever. It's surely made me realize it could all end in a second and I don't intend to waste one more minute of it.