Saturday, March 23, 2013

Do NOT let your mind run on you ...

I had an early night last night.  I was really feeling quite lousy and I knew I needed to get up early because I offered to drop hubby off at the park and ride since he would be working in San Francisco today.  I also didn't want to leave our truck sitting in a place that is known for it's auto burglaries.  Besides, it's literally down the street, I could drop him off just fine.  So, I crawled in bed and was asleep before I think even he was ... told you, I wasn't feeling good at all. 

What happened after I went to sleep frightened me.  I woke up once with my heart skipping around in my chest like a mexican jumping bean.  It hurt too, which worried me.  Chest pain is nothing to shake a stick at but, when your heart acts up as much as mine does, you start to look for more serious complications.  It hurt but it wasn't "Crushing Pain" like they describe as a heart attack.   I was able to fall back asleep, and it was then that I wished I didn't. 

I was at work.  I was bringing food to everyone and passing the items out.  When I turned around, the windows that normally lead to the hallway (or viewing platform for those who are familiar with the term FISH BOWL!) didn't look out onto the hallway but a yard.  A regular yard with grass and a fence.  Nice view, right? Wrong.  There was a man standing there, a man wearing a black suit and a wide brimmed black hat.  Anyone see where I'm going with this?  

Have you seen Poltergeist?  Do you remember the creepy, very old, crusty man preacher guy who came looking for Carol Ann?  He looked like death walked in?  He kept saying "Carol Ann!! Carol Ann!" in a voice like a zombie?  Anyway, it was him.  I was freaked out by him as a child ... and in my dream I was PETRIFIED OF HIM!

He came up to the glass, very quickly for his oldness and pressed his face to the glass.  His voice was still raspy, it was still like The Walking Dead.  He looked right at me.  "You're going to die.   You're going to die, Nicole."  And, he kept saying it.  Everyone was trying to cover the windows, to hide his face from me.  But his words kept playing over in my head.  He kept telling me that I was going to die.  
I woke up from this, of course.  But, I was freaked the heck out.  I know dreams mean nothing but it doesn't mean I was totally cool as a cucumber, being sick like I am and dreaming about a guy that looks like death telling me I'm going to die.  

I think it just stirred up a bunch of fears about my disease.  I have to stay ahead of it.  I have to keep two steps ahead of it at all times ... or it could put me in the hospital or worse.   That's gotta be what it was.  Right? 

And then ... after taking hubby to the park n ride, I came home and crawled back in bed for an hour or so more.  I probably would have slept longer if my phone didn't ring.  I answered it because it was a blocked number and could have been a few different things.  Anyway, I answered it the voice was all muffled.  At first, I thought someone was doing the dirty deed on the other end of the line but then, it sounded like they were muffling their voice.  I couldn't understand what they were trying to say but it was creepy as hell.  I ended up hanging up quickly.  I don't know who or what it was. They didn't call back so it obviously wasn't important.  

So ... after that lovely morning, I'm a little on edge today.  I have to start my Prednisone taper since the heavy dose isn't doing anything to stop Wegener's from being a pain in my ass.  My doctor doesn't want to keep me at a high dose if it's not helping.  If a lower dose helps, he'll keep me there for longer. I'm still coughing like a sea lion, I still spit up specks of blood, I have pain in my nose, my head, my eyes, my teeth, my chest.  I get short of breath if I walk too far (and no that has nothing to do with my weight!).  It sucks.  So ... today I took one less pill.  Not sure if it will help, but at least maybe I won't be AS hungry now.  That will sure help me out.  I was starving last night again.  Stupid steroids. 

Weekends are radiation free.  They do that to let the side effects ease up a little before they are zapping me again.  Unfortunately, my mouth still feels like someone ran a rototiller through it.  So, I'll stay on my soft food regimen.  Can you believe that I found recipes for blended up hamburgers and fried chicken?  It was on a cancer website talking about radiation of the neck and mouth area.  I'm sorry .. but that's gross.  I'll eat something else instead.  

Today's writing report, yes ... I did write today.  I wrote early too.  That leaves the whole day for me to take another stab at it if I want.  Today, I wrote 7013 words.  Thats the most so far since I've been plucking away at it.  It's 123 double spaced pages.  I get to do the fun part now, write all the cool parts.  At least, that's how I look at it to motivate myself.  I even have another idea for a second book.  (Not tied to this one).  My darling husband gave me the idea.  He had this dream one night and knew it would be something I'd dive right into.  
He was right.  But, I am not going to allow myself to do anything with it until this one is done.  That's where I'd always derail myself before, I'd focus too much on too many things.  I need to bring this story to a close, get a rewrite in and see what I think of it before I move on. 

So what if it gets rejected?  I'm not even going to think about that right now.  

I'm hungry.  I should probably eat something for lunch.  I want an Ike's Sandwich.  I couldn't possibly chew on it but DAMN it sounds so good.  Prednisone also makes things that are bad for you sound like slices of heaven.  Like, an Ike's sandwich.  I'm having one of those the second I can chew again.  If you've had one, you'll understand.  

OK, I'm going to die in my cupboards for something to eat now.  

No comments:

Post a Comment