Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Projects Schmojects

Having something to do keeps my mind off how I am feeling.  At least, that is what I have noticed today.  I've been working on getting some paperwork together and thankfully, most of it just involved me sitting at my computer, pulling something up and hitting print.  I did have to get up a couple times and walk into the other room but, I was only walking a short distance, thank goodness. 

I had to go to Kaiser today for another chest x-ray, and another thyroid test.  Oops, it had been a month since I did my last thyroid panel.  I am supposed to go every two weeks.  I just don't go up there.  And, I didn't feel the need to go up there for one blood test.  Yes, I know, it's bad.  Oh shoot, I need to email her and let her know that it may look different because of the radiation treatment.  One of the side effects is slowing my thyroid temporarily.  Anyway, I timed my trip to the lab horribly.  The line for x-ray was HUGE.  The lab line next door was short so I thought I would check in there first.  I did and then hopped back in the long ass line for x-ray.  I was next in line to check in ... and the lady in front of me was asking 2001 questions.  And then, the lab called me in.  DAMNIT!
So I got out of line and ran over to get poked.  When I came out, there was another loooooooong line at x-ray.  Oh well.  As I stepped back in line, my cellphone rang, it was Dan.  I stepped out of line and answered it.  He rattled off a ton of questions about the house we like in the neighborhood that's for sale, etc.  I explained I'd have to call him back. 

I got back in line again and this time made it to the counter!  The lady explained there was a 45 min wait.  I looked at the time, figured if it wasn't exactly 45 mins I would be fine since I had to get back down to Rohnert Park for my zapping.  Then, I sat down and prayed that this wouldn't take longer than 45 mins. It didn't, thank goodness. 

However, driving back to Rohnert Park, I started to feel very bad.  I went in and got filled with the gamma rays (still not a superhero) and headed to the store to get an onion for my dinner I was making.  I feel shaky, like I can't control anything of my limbs.  When I am standing up, I feel like I am going to fall over.  I am hoping that I can muster up energy to make dinner.  Don't worry, it's something so simple.  Paleo Spaghetti.  It's one pan, it takes like 20 minutes, simple.  Dan thankfully won't be here til about 7 so it gives me time to muster up some more energy. 

I haven't heard from the doctors about the x-ray.  She said she'd get back to me today.  Maybe she doesn't have it yet since they were so busy today.  I don't know.  I'd like to know if the nodule is still there.  I'm sure she will say it's smaller again.  She said that before, and then the cancer doc said "You can't tell if it's any smaller in an x-ray, only in a CT scan".  Honestly, do these doctors even know what they are talking about?

The heavy sadness weighing on me today is really hard to shake off.  There is no explanation for what's going on aside from radiation side effects.  I HAD an answer for almost a month, and now I don't.  How is that possible?  I feel like there's no end in sight for how I feel.  I was starting to think that there was an end in sight. I'd take this next round of meds, put this thing to sleep and get back to living.  Now?  I have no idea when I'll feel better because THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG?!

I wish they'd admit me, and run EVERY test they can think of.  Every blood test, spirometry, lung function, liver function, kidney function, listen to my heart for 24 hours so they can see it skipping at night.  Take my temperature and see the daily low grade fever.  But, they won't.  I wouldn't be able to be admitted til April anyway because of radiation but still ... I just want a freaking answer. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday.  It's payday, my non-working paycheck was pitiful, but I am thankful to have it.  I luckily can wait til next week to pay the bills that are due and have soe of Dan's checks at my disposal.  I am trying not to think about money because I don't want to feel stressed.  

Is it May yet?  I need to get back to work.  I need to feel like I am bringing in money and that I able to pay my bills!!! 

Anyway, have a wonderful evening everyone. 

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