Thursday, March 7, 2013

Uh Oh Pasketti-Oh!

Day One of the corticosteroids! I was clinging to the hope of having hyperactive side effects.  I would relish in having tons of energy since I've had literally none for so long.  I popped my three pills, my Vitamin D, my Calcium supplements and sat down on the couch.  Oh, I took them with yogurt so there was something in my stomach.  Don't worry, I checked, I can have yogurt.  It suggests drinking milk when I take them, so there!

I was not blessed with the hyperactivity side effects.  At least, none that are showing up right now.  Nope, I feel incredibly dizzy, and all I want to do is go home and lie down.  Like, I almost want to cry right now knowing I don't get to leave for 8.5 hours.  This isn't normal.  I know this won't be a permanent thing but at the moment it's not a good thing in my mind. 

One of the most commonly reported side effects of my radiation treatment is debilitating fatigue.  So, if the fatigue from the steroids remains I'm gonna be a lump on the couch once radiation starts!  I am trying to remain positive that maybe the side effects won't get me that much.  Maybe I'll have none!  Wouldn't that be fatntastic?

I'm a realist and I do know I won't slide by without getting anything.  A girl can dream.  Right now, this girl is dreaming of my couch, my three fuzzy blankets I have on said couch and my fluffy puppy who will lie there with me and keep me company.  I think I would probably even nap which is SO not like me.  Even in the midst of the worst symptoms of this I never really napped.  Which was weird.  I had no energy but I never went to sleep during the day.  Gosh, a nap sounds amaaaaaaaaaaaahzing right now.

Do you think my supervisor would like me lie down in their office?

I only have so many hours left in here before all this gets a little worse for me (and then gets better).  I am trying to enjoy every moment of my workplace environment.  It's the beauty of enjoying one's place of employment.  I will miss this room, the laughter, the adrenaline.  I love what I do so much. 

So, please, side effect monster ... could you not really bother me until 0130am tonight, go away at 1100am Saturday and stay away until 3pm Saturday and then hang out til 3pm Monday.  I need to just be able to get through these last shifts with a smile on my face.

It's so hard to keep up the facade of smiling when I feel like garbage.  It's been easy at doctors appts because I try to always be pleasant and smiley with people I don't know casually.  So, every doctor has commented about how I'm still smiling.  Well, I'm professional ... even though I'm supposed to be making you see the eeffect of my illness, I can't.  It's ingrained in me to be pleasant, polite, and always smiling.  When I'm home alone, I can drop the smile and whine and wish that I felt like a normal person again. 

It would be so easy to whine right now.  Alas, I shall not.  This is neither the time nor the place.  I'll whine and cry for my 25 minute drive home tonight.  Ah, the sanctuary of my car.  Many an issue has been resolved in my head while driving to and from work.  And tonight, it shall be the place I become a huge baby.

And so it begins ...

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