Friday, April 26, 2013

Grab a tissue, this could get heavy

Today was a big day.  Today was a happy day.  So why am I so sad?

My brother always wanted to be a firefighter.  When he was a little kid he said he was going to be a firefighter.  Today, he got his badge as an official member of the Santa Rosa Fire Department.  Monday, he starts his full time job as a probie firefighter at the firehouse we both pretty much grew up in.  It's such a dream come true for him, his mom, and for me.  I knew one day there would be a Bagley in the Santa Rosa Fire Dept.

Today, he stood up there with the other recruits, after completing the 9-week internal academy, and had his mom pin his badge on him.  It's such an amazing feat for a 21 year old.  He's the youngest to be hired.   I was and still am beaming with pride for him.  Yet, at the same time, I had the most massive lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow, and several times had to talk myself out of crying.  Oh sure, I could have passed it off as tears of joy because for the most part, they were.

I just couldn't help wishing SO badly for my dad to be there with us.  As a dad came up and pinned his own son, my heart broke when I looked at Cody, knowing Cody would have loved to have his mom and dad standing there, slipping that badge on his chest.  My heart aches for the little boy who had to say goodbye to his dad WAY too young.  My heart hurts because I got to know my dad better than he did.  Huge parts of me feel bad that I got more time with my parents than my brothers did.

It was also one of those moments where I just missed him so much.  As Cody's girlfriend and I tried to get him to smile while he was standing there all serious, I remembered all the times I heard my dad in the crowd, cheering and calling my name, whistling and being a dad and embarrassing me.  I turned to Jordan and told her that if our dad was there, he would be so loud and Cody would have no choice but to crack a smile.  It was the kind of person he was, fun loving, and SO incredibly loving.

It hurts that he won't be there when Cody gets married, he wasn't there when I got married.  I know this is the case for a lot of families and I am not singling myself out at all.  It's just that our dad loved us SO much.  Nothing would have made him prouder than being able to see today.  And yes, I know he was "there" but ... it's not the same as standing there and shaking the hand of his son, a grown man.  A wonderful man.  I just wish Dad could see the amazing son that he has.   I wish so much that Cody could have heard the words that I was lucky enough to hear my dad say.

One day, while he was really sick towards the end, I was sitting on the floor in the living room watching TV with him.  He called my name and I looked over at him.  He was crying and said "I am so proud of you, I want you to know that."  And those words have stayed with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day since he left me almost 13 years ago.  I'm sad that Cody didn't get that same moment.  And again, maybe he did, I know on the last day my dad was awake and talking with everyone he and Cody sat and talked.  I shut down my ears because my heart was already breaking into a million pieces and I felt that moment was between my tiny baby brother and his dad.

I miss you, Daddy.  I miss you SO much.  I want you to know that Cody's doing OK.  He's doing great, in fact.   You would be so proud of him.  I know you would be.  I can almost hear you bragging to everyone.  He chased his dreams, and he's achieved them.  I'm speechless with pride.  You were there so much in our hearts today.  He looks so much like you.  He acts so much like you.  I would do anything for you to be here and with us today.  I really miss you, Dad, every day.  I love you SO much.

Today was just so high and so low for me today.  So high for Cody, So happy for him.  But, I'm having my own trouble with sadness and missing my dad so much didn't help.   I'm struggling a lot with everything that is going on.  I don't feel better and ... there's no more tests for them to do.  I have days that I am OK, and days that I am SO not OK.  But, this is life for me now.  Until they have some avenue they can look into, I need to adjust to how I feel and deal with how I feel.  But, at the same time, I want to be better right now.  I WANT to go back to working (just not at night!) and working out and being active.

I should be happy.  I'm buying a house.  My little brothers are doing good.  I am alive! But, still, the depression of being home and sick for so long is too heavy to shrug off at the moment.   Maybe once the routine has returned, and can maybe start going to the gym again ... I'll feel better.  I'll be happier.  Maybe once the move is done and I am not living among boxes, knowing I need to pack but lacking in motivation to do so ... I'll feel better.    Maybe if they FINALLY know why I am still so sick, I'll feel better.  Maybe when I have days where I don't have 6 bloody noses in one day and don't have two giant scabs inside my nose as if my nose is eating itself, I'll feel better.

Things will get better.  I KNOW I am lucky to have kicked cancer to the curb for the time being, I am lucky to have had our first offer accepted on our first home.   I am lucky and blessed in SO many ways.  Right now I'm just wearing a cloak of sadness, it's not a permanent thing ... it's just how it is for right now.

It's not forever.  It's just for now.

1 comment:

  1. I miss my Daddy all the time too... especially now. He will have been gone 13 years next week. I still stop in my tracks and tear up at the most random things. It kills me that he never met my honey or any of his grandchildren. We were his world. We were SO close and loved one another SO much... It's strange how at our happiest moments there is that twinge, that tear. We are so blessed to have been so loved. But in being so loved we feel the loss so deeply. <3