Monday, April 1, 2013

I'll stand on my head ...

... so that my frown is upside down and looks like a smile.  I'm sorry, I'm just not in a good place right now.  I wish I could elaborate more on why I'm feeling so down in the dumps but, I'll keep it to myself.  It's nothing to do with my health.  Although, if I could go back to work, make more money, feel like a functioning member of society I'd feel a little less in the dumps.  Work was what I did ... I love my job, it didn't feel like a chore.  I don't have that right now.  I keep saying I'll force the doctors to release me back to work and then, something happens and I'm useless on the couch feeling miserable and thankful that I am home and not there where I feel trapped because I don't want to leave them short handed.  I feel helpless. 

We've been trying to figure out a budget and let me tell you, money is never a topic that anyone wants to discuss.  It's never a fun, positive, happy discussion.  It's always an argument.  And, when you aren't bringing in HALF of what you normally do ... it makes a person feel like a giant pile of steaming horseshit (pardon my french).  Anyway, it's not fun.  It's a necessary evil, but not fun.  

I'm supposed to go see the ENT doctor tomorrow.  I keep thinking of just canceling the appointment.  I have pain in my nose and face (sinus area), pressure often behind my eyes, pain and pressure and periods of muffling and ringing in both ears.  However, doctors always seem to want to "see" something.  He's gonna look in my ears and nose and be like "I don't see anything".  No shit, sherlock.  I didn't say I was congested!  I said I FEEL PAIN! Pain I never ever felt in my body before February of 2012.  Pain that's never fully gone away for over a year.  I've been sick every single day since mid-December.  I've started keeping track.  105 days! Lucky me.  Oh ... and let's not forget that during all of my appointments from LAST year, I kept mentioning the lump in my neck that was brushed off constantly and told it would "go away on it's own".  Anyone remember what my neck lump turned out to be?  Yea ... cancer.  But the jerk-off ENT I saw last year was certain it was nothing and treated me like I was wasting his time.  

I know I have to be my own advocate and fight for myself.  But, I keep telling them this and keep getting doctors who are like "I don't see anything so there must be nothing wrong."  I am so tired of that.  So tired of feeling sick, so tired of not having an answer ... and so tired of missing out on life!!! Did I make the point that I'm tired?  

I wish Kaiser was closer.  I don't want to go all the way up there. I'll do it, of course.  I was supposed to see the rheumatologist this week too, but I can't reach his assistant and she was supposed to call me.  I know it'll be easier just to wait until radiation is done and then ... they can't say it's because of radiation or whatever.  

When this is all over, I'm gonna have to do some serious restructuring of how I did things.  I need to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep.  That makes me getting out of bed around 9:30am. That leaves me with 4.5 hours before I have to leave for work.  I'll need to get to the gym, make something healthy for lunch and dinner to bring with me to work etc.  I'll have to manage my schedule, absolutely NO 16hour shifts.  No 14 hour shifts unless I have my entire weekend off.  Oh who am I kidding?!  I am not going to be able to manage my schedule.  I don't want to be doing 12-14-16 hour shifts every day and then working my weekends.  I will have to work through things with a fine toothed comb.  I'll be careful.  I need to be able to sleep.  I have to work out too but, if I have to cook dinner and can't get enough sleep between shifts, the workout will have to be set aside.  

AHHH!  I can't be thinking about all this yet.  YES, I'll be making changes.  I HAVE to.  But, everyone tells me my job is to get better.  So, I'll cross the bridge of how to manage my life when I get there.  I'm nowhere close yet.  It's 8:19PM and I want to go to bed SO bad.  Can you imagine?  I would have to be at work for 4.5 more hours! And it's not like I got up early.  I'm just exhausted, my head hurts, my ears hurt, I am nauseous as hell, and it still feels like I am getting a bear hug from the strongest person on the planet.  

Dancing with the Stars is on ... I love Aly.  It's gotta be so hard to go from stiff, sharp movements of gymnastics to slow, flowy movements of ballroom dancing.  I also love Lisa Vanderpump (she can't dance but she's beautiful), Kellie Pickler and Zendaya Coleman!! I'm also rooting for Andy Dick. I want him to do well. There needs to be a better role model for recovering addicts.  People need to see that people get better.  The other celebrities out there aren't showing that it can be done.  Ahem, Lindsay Lohan.  

Dang, I wanna have that dancer's body ... OK, CAN'T THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW!!!  

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