Goodness me I have been in a funk, haven't I? I cringe to look back upon my entries. Whine, whine whine. Whoa is me. What the heck was I thinking? Why did I don a cloak of such a "poor me" attitude. Granted, I know a lot of what I wrote was pure ventilation of my feelings but, I still shudder to see how I had let myself be.
Today, I will acknowledge all that I am lucky to have, lucky to see, lucky to do. I live a very blessed life. Sometimes, I can't see beyond whatever roadblock I feel has fell into my path but ... I must remember that these other great things are there.
First and foremost ... I have my health. Despite it being less than stellar, despite the constant nausea, coughing, gagging, and feeling run down. I am alive. I have sent cancer into it's hiding place for the time being. I only had to do radiation, which left me with a weird sunburny, peeling spot but ... I still have my hair. It was only 5 weeks versus a lot longer. And, it's in the past now. I have moved beyond it. I am no longer "in treatment".
I am married to my best friend. Even though sometimes I am SO angry at him, or whatever. He is my best friend and the love of my life. He makes me laugh so hard, which in turn makes him laugh. If anyone reading has seen me have a laughing fit, they will understand why my laughing makes him laugh. I am sure ... no I actually have confirmation that I drive him nuts too so it's equal.
I've always had a stable roof over my head. I've never had to wonder where my next meal was coming from.
I was blessed to be hired on with the Sheriff's Office in a damn good job when I was 22! I can now work here for the rest of my working years. This job has also afforded me some great things. I've been promoted to training officer, I've received an award, and ... people donated their vacation time to me so that while I was off for six weeks being zapped .... I was getting paid and earning in-service hours. I also have amazing benefits (yes, I griped about how much I paid in ER co-pays but in actuality ... it's a LOT less than anyone else pays!) and a wonderful retirement plan. I am a lucky girl that I was able to get my hands on a job like this.
My parents had both been remarried to others before they died, giving me two awesome little brothers and stepparents to be there for me after they were gone. Yes, I still feel their absence more than anything but, how many people are as lucky as I was to have forged bonds with these two stepparents long before they were the only parents I had left. And ... they were all friends so I got to see BOTH my parents whenever I wanted to. It wasn't reserved for just "weekend custody visits". I could zip across the street to talk to my dad whenever I needed to. And, we always traveled together so family trips were really ... "FAMILY TRIPS".
I am blessed to have such a fantastic relationship with my stepmom. I'm closer to her than I ever was with my birth mom (long story) and I know that makes me a very lucky person.
I get to buy a house. I'm buying a house. I'm buying a house in an area I never imagined I would be able to live. I am buying a house I can stay in for the rest of my life. I am buying a home. I am buying something that could mean this girl becomes a mom. I am buying my future.
I have three animals that I love with the force a person loves their birthed human children. They kept me company when I was all alone at home during treatment, they were my constant companions and I am so happy that I have them. I miss them right this moment being at work. I feel like snuggling on the couch with my puppy and I cannot.
So, you see, I have a lot of good in my life. My life is bursting at the seams with good. Sure, there are speed bumps and wrong turns in my life. Aren't there those in everyone's life? We all make bad decisions, bad choices, bad moves but we can't let that define us forever. We also have the power to turn those bad choices into good. We can change the path we are on. We can turn our frowns upside down into smiles.
Sure, I am overwhelmed and for some reason, greatly opposed, to all the packing I have to do but ... you know what? I am also SO lucky to have that option in my life. I am soooo lucky that I am moving into a really nice home of my own. So, while I might bitch and moan about having to pack my house ... there are those people who would give anything to trade places with me and I am very aware of that.
Life is good people. Even in all the bad, the nightmares that happen to us, the heartbreak and the pain ... the good always comes around again.
I quote a recent thing Patton Oswalt said "Look into the eyes of evil and say the good outnumber you and always will" I think this is the same with bad events in our lives. The good things will always outnumber the bad. You just have to put a little effort into it sometimes, but, if you do ... you won't be disappointed.