Monday, May 20, 2013

Earthquake Country

I'm more than happy to live here in Earthquake country.  There is no warning ... no anticipation and hurrying to evacuate.  It just happens.  And it happens for a total of like 30 seconds, if that.  Yes, there's the huge unknown of the BIG one happening any time, anywhere.  But, I'll take that over Tornadoes ANYDAY!

My heart is broken for the people affected by the massive tornadoes ripping across the mid-west.  While we are here complaining about it being too hot for May and then too cold for May ... people are having their lives ripped completely to shreds.  Tornadoes are ruthless.  They speed across towns, completely flattening them without a second glance.  Yes, I speak of them as if they have feelings but ... it's crazy how they work.  It's like they are bi-polar, changing their minds and direction in an instant.  Just when you think you are safe, it changes direction and charges right for you.

I've seen a couple videos of the massive beast currently terrorizing Oklahoma.  I look at them and my heart races.  Can you imagine seeing that coming towards you? Even if you get yourself to a safe place, your mind will fixate on the brutal reality.  You may not have a home to go to when you get back to your house.  You could lose neighbors, family members, businesses that you frequent all the time.  Your life will completely change.  It won't be the same ever again. 

This isn't just some run of the mill tornado, crossing the plains during tornado season.  These are HUGE! Honestly, I can't speak with any real knowledge since I don't live in Tornado Alley but it seems since they are so common, there are those tornadoes and then .. there are THESE TORNADOES.  It's scary.

It reminds the world that this planet is unpredictable.  It's a living being, with weather that runs rampant, it has a mind of it's own and truly, if earth decided it didn't want us living on it anymore ... earth could make us all disappear.   Obviously, as we've seen with these natural disasters ... it can be done.

I'll stay here and take my unknown, my 30 seconds of shaking.  California is very pro-active on earthquake retro-fitting of old buildings and planning for earthquakes in new construction.  We know how to handle our beast.  I'll stay put. 

My heart, thoughts and prayers are with everyone in the midwest.  May you find peace in the middle of all this destruction.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Unsettled.

I'm unsettled.  Physically I'm still sick.  Today I blasted a sneeze in the car and splattered my hand with blood.  It was all over my face, etc.  It wasn't a pretty sight, I looked like a crime scene.  Sorry for the TMI but I was a little unnerved by it all.  I emailed the doctors ... I told them I'm at my wits end with all of this.  Because, quite frankly, I was at my wits end months ago with this.   So we'll see ...

I went over to the old house this morning and started shoving things in boxes and moving everything I could to the front room of the house.  Unfortunately, I had to leave and come to work but I am almost off to go back to it.  I am overwhelmed by what I need to do.  We need to be done today.  That way we can get it cleaned up next weekend and be done with it altogether so I can live in my new house and start feeling alive again.

I'm unsettled.  Mentally.  I feel restless and out of control.  I don't feel like I have an anchor at the moment.  I don't feel like I have a home.  I know I do.  I've been in and out of it all the time.  But, I don't feel quite plopped in yet.  I want to be there and I want to unload the boxes and put everything away ... but I can't yet. 

Dan has this project he's going to do ... but until then I can't use my washer and dryer.  PG&E came to turn on the gas and make sure it was all good so that we had a water heater but ... Dan says we still can't shower there because of some reason or another.  Least of all I haven't a shower curtain rod.  I cannot live like this any longer.

I need to be able to get some sort of routine under my feet.  I usually get up, shower immediately and go about my day.  Now I have to get up, do things around the house, etc so that when I leave I am gone for the day ... going to the old house, showering and then coming to work.  It's not working for me.  I am anxiety ridden right now.  I can't stay like this. 

With everything that has happened ... I desperately need calm ... I desperately need stability and normalcy.  I need to be able to get a grip on my life.  I know I need to tighten up our finances and I can't until we can cook and live at home.  So I feel like my life is not in my control at the moment.  This is not a good feeling for me.  My shoulders are tense, my neck hurts, I sit here and bounce my leg non-stop, a sure sign for me that I am anxious. 

I know I need to go over to that house after work today and bust my ass to get it emptied.  I know what I need to do to bring the normalcy to my life.  Unfortunately, I am sick still and am lacking in the required amount of energy it will take to get this done.  My brothers aren't available today.  Our neighbor who always visits with us is hiding from us I guess ... I just feel like I need extra hands and vehicles to get this done. 

There's also SO much to do at the new house.  Boxes to put away.  A dog run to assemble.  Blinds to hang.  Too much.  It's all too much.   I wish I could put a spell on myself and go on auto-pilot, doing all this and waking up on the other side when it's all done.  I don't know how much more stress I can take.

Alright ... 40 more minutes and I am out of here and will do what I can to get this done .... I don't have a choice.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

I have no idea what I am doing

This moving in 2 weeks later than we were supposed to is really stressing me out.  I am back to work full time and then some and really have no time to do what needs to be done to empty the old house and get it cleaned up to perfect condition.  This would have been a breeze of a move if it had happened when it was supposed to.

I know, I 'm beating a dead horse.  I get it.  But, I'm so stressed now trying to figure it out how to manage it before my shifts, and squeezing it all in on the weekends.  It's just driving me bonkers. 

I also shouldn't have let my vet go ahead with the neutering of my dog yesterday.  He's so miserable with that cone.  And yesterday?  He didn't want to be anywhere else other than live in my lap.  I'd set him down next to me and he'd push his way back into my lap.  I laid down on the couch and he draped himself along me and passed out in my arms.  It was the only time I was able to get him to rest at all.  He doesn't fit in his sleeping crate so I had to put him in his ex-pen in our living room all by himself in a house he's been to once before in his life.  I feel like a terrible dog mom!!!  But, today he was moving around a little better with the cone but he's still hating it.  And trying to keep him calm ... omg.  I have to keep him in the ex-pen if I can't monitor him completely because he'll jump on the couch, try to chase the cat, etc.  Poor buddy.  I know the worst is behind him and now we can get through this and remove that cone. 

We tried the inflatable cones but he can still reach the surgical site and lick it so ... no inflatable cone for him.  The inflatable cone would have been a blessing. He would have LOVED it.  He seemed SO much happier while he was wearing it. 

I wish I could wave a magic wand and get the crap from the old house magically poofed over to the new one so I can just go clean it.  It's a bunch of little miscellaneous stuff ... and it's not exactly easy to zip back and forth from each house.  It's a pain in the ass actually. 

I need "Normal".  I need it.  My life hasn't been normal for months and months.  I need my routine back.  I need settled.  I need to just worry about sleeping, working, taking care of the animals, paying bills, making meals.  I don't want to think about moving, packing, sorting, etc.  I'm over it.  My brain isn't happy.  My body isn't happy.

I need normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

And ... they're off ...

I know it's been a few days since I posted here but I had to stay with my horse racing analogy!! We signed papers, we waited, there was more dickin' around and demands ... but finally, this morning everything recorded with the county and the keys are in hand.  Well, not my hands as I have been too busy today to set foot near that house.

The refrigerator gets delivered tomorrow, the cable and internet will be installed tomorrow ... Dan is picking up a moving truck in the afternoon and starting to load up all of our furniture.  Hopefully, we will be sleeping in the house Thursday night.  I mean, the bed is going to be packed up tomorrow.  We'll crash on the air mattress tomorrow night and then ... hopefully be there Thursday. 

I'm just eager to be actually IN the house now.  I mean, there's not much excitement swirling around me because the whole process just sort of made it more of a pain in the ass than anything.  But, it's done now and we can move in. 

I work ... and I work a lot ... so Dan is kind of on his own with the help of my muscular strong brothers.  I feel bad but I do know that he is in better hands with them helping me than with having me around.  I can't really exert myself like that yet ... I can't lift heavy things. 

I'll post more when things start happening ... I just wanted to get back in here and complete my little title sequence!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Flag is Up ...

Another little horse racing reference ... we are in the gate, the flag is up .... but we are still waiting. 

The papers were all signed last night.  It was suggested that we have a notary come to us with the papers while I was at work, that we could have the keys on Friday.  So I begged and pleaded with the bosses to cover me while I met with the husband and the notary to get this done. 

Then ... the bombshell.  The notary had to send the papers to the title company in Fremont.  This means she would have to go to FedEx in the morning and the docs wouldn't get to title before Friday morning.  So ... basically there's no way I can have my keys tomorrow.  Even though that's the whole reason we were doing it that night!

Needless to say, my excitement over buying a house and moving is completely gone.  From being humiliated and made to feel like a sub-par human I'm totally over this and don't even want to do it anymore.  

Of all people, mortgage companies should know that good people are finding themselves in some not so great situations.  They should no longer hold such grudges, point fingers and call names.  I bet you anything some of those people who were name calling and finger pointing are worse people than me.  Especially if I look at it from a law enforcement standpoint ... What do they have in their life that makes them better than me?!

I know I'm being unreasonable upset but ... it's 10 days past when I was supposed to have all of this DONE.  We promised the seller a 25 day escrow ... it's been 35. It's not acceptable.   I would be in a great deal of trouble if I conducted my own profession the way these people are.  My life is in limbo and they are just dilly-dallying.

Whatever.  So that's where it lies.  I'm not moving tomorrow ... again ...
Argh.

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Horses are at the Gate

Have you ever gone to watch horse racing?  You watch the horses parade past the stands in their pretty little blankets and brightly dressed jockies and make your selection.  Who is going to carry your bet to big money?  OK, so I have rarely done the betting thing but I've watched races.  Anyway, they go all the way over to the gate thing and one by one they are put inside. 

Then, the announcer says "The Horses are at the gate ..."  and there's silence.  Everyone in the stands quiets, waiting for that moment to come when the gates spring open and the horses thunder out across the track, pushing and straining to get ahead of everyone else so that they can win. 

I feel like I am in that moment.  The silence is deafening.  We are loaded up in the gate, the keys to the house are just on the other side of the track.  We just have to sign the papers (run the race) to get them.  But, it seems there's a problem with our announcer and the gate operator.  He's not saying anything and the gate doors aren't opening. 

I am stuck in a position of anticipation and excitement.  However, the anticipation is melting into stress and excitement is quickly disappearing.  In it's place ... anger.  I'm no longer at all excited about moving.  I'm not excited about my house, about the whole process. 

The whole thing is a thorn in my side.  I can't plan anything.  I don't have the kind of job where I can just leave and go sign papers  at their leisure.  I can't just decide to move on Wednesday instead of the weekend because the lender didn't get it done in time as promised.   I was out for six weeks fighting a battle against cancer.  Do they think I have a boatload of hours to use to do what they need me to do?  Do they think I can just take time off to handle this?  No.  I can't.  I work in a 24 hour fixed post position.  Someone has to be in my place for me not to be here.  Someone has to give up their time to cover for me.

I'm a high risk for my cancer coming back.  Stress is candy for Cancer.  I DON'T NEED THIS.  Sure, I shouldn't have added the home buying process into my life but I can tell my house was keeping me sick.  I need to get out of it and I wasn't going to move into another rental.  It was all smooth until now.  Now ... when it isn't supposed to be a problem.

OK, I need to go breathe ......

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Motivation

When motivation strikes, I want to act.  And, believe me, after a recent picture found it's way to Facebook I am ALL kinds of motivated.  Who cares if I don't feel 100%?  This girl is changing back to the old ways, I want to lift heavy things, break a crazy sweat and have that incredible endorphin rush that gives me this insane feeling of elation.  I want to feel the aches in my muscles that said I did something with them and ... most of all ... I want to be back into a healthy lifestyle of good eating.

My husband and I made a deal that NO bad food would come into the house.  No refined sugars would be transported from the old house to the new house.  Our house would have fresh vegetables, some fruit and lean proteins.  There would be no wheat, no dairy, no legumes, no sugar.  In other words, full on paleo.  I "may" allow my husband to have his yogurt.  He needs a little more of a boost in his diet than I do because he has a much more physical job than me.  But, I will NOT be touching the dairy.  I did better without it.  I obviously have problems with inflammation and dairy is an inflammatory food.   Maybe not for you, but it is for me.  There was a definite change when I added dairy back into my diet.

This is how I am going to live my life.  I won't be persuaded to change because people don't agree.  It is a lifestyle change, it is my health and it is my body that is speaking to me.  I know what I can and cannot eat.  I know how foods affect my body.  I had so much more energy and felt amazing when I was eating this way and working out.

So, my motivation is keyed up and ready to launch.  Hopefully, tomorrow we will sign our loan documents and I know that this ball will actually be rolling, changes will be afoot. 

It is a hard reality to have gained back every pound I lost.  I know I don't eat right.  I eat like crap right now.  When my mouth hurt, even salads were too rough for me.  Sometimes, my mouth hurts even now so I eat hard things sproadically.  But, ocne I move .... it's on.  I'll have my kitchen, I'll have my space ...

If only we could just sign the papers and get the keys already.  I am ready to make permanent changes.  I am ready to take charge again.  This is MY life!!!! This is MY health!!!

Let's get this show on the road!!!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Memories

I finished a book tonight.  It's not a rare thing for me, I'm a reader.  I love books.  I love my Kindle books and I love cracking open a real book and smelling that new book smell, or the old musty book smell.  I loooooove it.  My dream will be to one day have a beautiful library in my house with all my favorite books to read again and again!!! I'm digressing already!!

This book was a sequel to a previous book by the same author.  I knew I wanted to read it because I had such an emotional reaction to the first book.  However, I also knew in my heart that there was a chance I could have another emotional connection and equal reaction.  And, I did.  The plot line of one of the main characters and her daughter slammed home for me in the first book.  I was a defiant, rebellious teenager.  I fought with my mother day in and day out.  I was selfish and thought only of myself.  We were in a huge long fight when she died.  So ... for the main character's daughter to be so defiant and then lose her mother while still a teenager just spoke to me.  This was a sequel that story.

It left me opened and wounded again.  It opened old wounds and lifted the cover on memories that are usually tucked away because they hurt so much.  My brain shouldn't be allowed to wander.  I think too deeply, I remember too vividly. 

Of course, I can't remember the sounds of my parents voices but I can remember my dad's aftershave, the scent of my mothers Jovan Musk or her hair ... the scent of Noxema in the bathroom after she washed her face. I can remember the jingle of my dad's car keys, the whistle laugh that he would do where it just sounded like wind was blowing out through his teeth. I remember the way he would comb his hair after a shower, taking his comb and making just a teeny part of it stand up in front. I can see his old worn moccasins on the ground, that old green sweatsuit with the yellow pinstriping on it  that he always seemed to be wearing at night.  I remember the way my mom sat at the end of the couch, on the phone with my stepmom, curling the phone cord around her fingers.  She would be bouncing her leg.  I remember she always got the same shoes ... white Reeboks.  I think she may of had a pink pair but I can't really remember.  I remember she was still taller than me.  I can see my Dad sitting in "his" spot, with his secret stash of Skor candy bars and Beer Nuts in the cabinet next to him.  My Dad had a certain strut to the way he walked, so that jingling I mentioned earlier had a certain beat to it. 

There's a certain jacket he used to wear ... it was leather with a white not fur collar but something soft.  I have this very distinct vivid memory of hugging him and my face was pressed into that soft part of the collar.  I can smell his aftershave and I feel his arms around me and in that moment, I am the safest most loved person on the planet.  And, I also remember the day I skidded into his hospital room to be told he wasn't there ... I remember very distinctly of feeling that love and safety shatter and disappear. 

My mom always wore dangly earrings, beaded earrings bought at the Pow-Wow, and at Christmas she'd wear my favorite onces which were green christmas balls with red santa hats on them.  She'd had pins that she'd wear.  One was a Christmas tree that lit up.  She was always worried about her weight ... forever on a diet.  I can see her laughing ... laughing so hard she's crying like my dad and I do.  I can see it but I can't HEAR it.  I don't remember what she sounds like.  I can't even see her looking at me.  When I tried with a counselor once, all I could see was her glaring at me and saying those horrible last words we shared that won't seem to fade from my mind. 

I remember my mom had a vintage Barbie in her delicates drawer.  It was in perfect mint condition, still in the box.  I coveted that doll as a kid.  I am so glad they never gave it to me but ... I have no idea what happened to it.  Unfortunately, the decisions about my mom's things were made for me, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what i wanted to remember my mother by.  But, then again, when I was a kid my mom FINALLY let me have her Cabbage Patch Kid that she had bought when she got mine for me when I was 2.  I destroyed that thing.  Looking back I'm so ashamed because it had been kept in a comforter bag, unharmed for a long time.  And then ... I ruined it.  No wonder someone else took the Barbie.  It still bothers me that those decisions were taken from me.  We didn't have the best relationship but she was my mother.

I just remember so much ... little things.  My mom's little afternoon snack of Clover Chocolate Frozen yogurt mixed with peanut butter.  She'd watch Oprah every day, Days of Our Lives every day.  I remember the old soap Santa Barbara.  

I wish more than anything in this world I could hear their voices.  However, I know how to do so and ... am afraid to.  I think if I heard them on those home movies I would break apart into a million pieces.  I feel like parts of me are missing a lot of the time.  My life has a HUGE hole in it.  I loved my parental group.  I loved our life. 

At least I have all these memories, snippets of times long ago.  I cannot believe that it's been as long as it has.  I had posted a quoate from my Kindle that said it all.  It basically stated how it doesn't get any easier.  Sometimes the pain of losing them is so sharp, it's as if it just happened. This is so true ... like right now, I feel like my heart is going to shatter but I am trying to hold it together because I am at work. 

I miss you guys.  I hope wherever you are, you're still looking out for me.  Even though I am 33 years old, I am frozen in time as a child because I need my parents so much.  I don't think we ever stop needing them.  And I know I could be pressed into that fluffy collar of my dad's jacket, his scent around me, arms holding me in a place I have longed for for 13 years ... that place of safety, that place where I was loved more than anything in the world.  I mattered so much to someone, I was important and special and completely adored.   But, it isn't just that ... it would be that I have my Dad back. 

My mom has been gone for 15 years, my dad for almost 13 ... don't ever let anyone tell you it gets easier.  It's a lie. 

Buggered Up

I don't want to whine or complain.  I don't want to throw a fit, but honestly I really feel like throwing an epic temper tantrum.  I do!  I should be allowed to as well ... Everything is up in the air and I'm completely irritted, frustrated, stressed out about it.  I know that buying a house SHOULD be stressful, it always is.  But, when you're down to the day you're supposed to be signing papers and the underwriter hasn't even moved your file from where it sits on her desk to even peek at it? You get a wee bit mad.  Then, the next day comes along ... you know, the last day I could sign and get the keys in my hand on Friday ...and the file STILL hasn't even been cracked open, you get a little madder.

So now, tomorrow is Friday.  I'm off tomorrow for the start of my weekend.  I was supposed to be packing things up into a giant moving van and moving over to the new house.  I was going to be sleeping in the new house tomorrow night.  Alas, we haven't even signed the papers yet.  There's no way they can get them recorded with Sonoma County, fund the loan AND get me the keys on the same day.  It's just not possible.  So, I won't be moving tomorrow.  I guess I will just keep boxing things up.  I will live among a maze of tall boxes, feeling slightly like a hoarder until next week sometime when I can FINALLY move in.

Of course, now I don't even have a day.  I can't even count on signing them tomorrow and getting keys in hand on Monday.  Why?  Because I am waiting on someone to do something they are supposed to do and aren't doing.  I am waiting to matter.  I have a feeling it is becuase the company we went with usually does HUGE loans for like multi-million dollar homes.  So, why would their underwriter want to look at our little loan?  Of course she would probably work on the BIG loans that come across her desk, continuing to pass over the little piddly loan that means nothing to them.  At least, that's how I am feeling at the moment.  Insignificant and Unimportant. 

I can't plan our move.  I started to say that a few weeks ago but no ...... the broker said "Give your notice!  Pack your house!  Your loan is all approved.  We will sign docs the first, closing escrow on the 3rd."  So ... we did.  And now?  It's 1020PM on the 2nd and I hven't seen a single loan document.  I can't fault our broker, he's gotten us a credit so that we will have a small investment account as a backup, he's been trying to get her to look at our documents.  His hands are tied.  I've heard many a story about how ruthless underwriters can be.  They don't care about the people involved.  They don't care if we were out on our asses.  They still have a job and a million other loans to put through.  We are no better than anyone else.

I can't even think about when I would be moving.  I have NO idea.  Are we signing tomorrow?  Keys Monday?  No idea.  If we sign Monday would we have the keys by Wednesday?  Who knows?! I paid (or am paying) $1600 in our closing costs to pay rent in our house for May.  So ... if they keep pushing this back, I'm not paying the full amount because I won't be living in that house for the month of MAY!

Then, there is the small voice of fear in the back of my mind.  What if the underwriter says No? Can they say no?  The broker had said everything was approved and we just needed to have the loan docs drawn up, signed at the title office, etc.  But ... I'm a worrier, I'm a fearful girl.  I always expect the worst.  So, there is that tiny voice who is frightened that things are going to blow up in my face and I will have to, sadly, unpack all those boxes back into the house I already live in.  And ... what if I can't?  What if my landlord has already found someone to move into our house?  Where do I go then?

I'm a good person.  I put everyone before myself.  I don't drink in excess (not at all now), I don't smoke or do drugs.  I am not hateful to people.  I am kind to strangers.  I am a good person.  I hate how this is making me a bitter person, angry at the underwriter and assuming it is because our loan is crap to her.  (Yes, I know it is a she).  I was just so excited, and allowing myself to get more excited by the day.  Now I feel like someone has come along and push a pin into my balloon of excitement. 

Maybe tomorrow will bring happier news ... again, I'm kind of in a holding pattern of who knows?   It seems to be the story of my life these days.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

My Loki

On May 1st, 2012 a little red/whi Corgi named Echo gave birth to several little short legged balls of fur.  One of them was a spitting image of his doggy dad, Zane, a tri-colored Corgi.  That little spitting image had one little difference ... he had one blue eye and that little blue eye endeared him to us and we had to have him.  



Above is the first photo we ever saw of our little nugget before we went and actually picked him out.  He was such a roly poly little puff ball of fur and his ears didn't even stand up!!! I fell in love with that little fuzzball instantly.  Of course, I couldn't take him home for at least another month because he was too little!! 



We went and visited often.  Unfortunately, we missed the one day that only one of his ears was standing up.  Above is one of my most favorite pictures of Loki.  Look how tiny he was and you can see his vivid blue eye.  He was such a teeny little baby!!! 



Every time we visited he looked bigger!  Here is his 8 week old picture, I believe.  I can't remember exactly how old he was but, he was almost ready to come home with us.  Such a smiley little doggy even back then!!! 



One of our first days home we were playing in the living room and I tuckered him out.  He passed out flat on his belly with all his legs extended.  I was over the moon and snapped a photo of it.  Unfortunately, this was the last time he's ever done this.  I guess it's just not comfortable for him.  It's super cute though!! 


The black on his head started fading rather quickly and he started to look a lot different.  It was weird because with my dalmatian and bulldog, they had more color come in as they got older.  Loki was losing his color as he grew!! 



My boy was just the most handsome little guy in the world.  He was growing so quickly!!! Those EARS!  They just kill me.  So big!  And, they grow with him so he never really "grows into" his ears.  They are just as massive now! 



As you can see, the black disappeared from his head.  He started looking like this and never really changed after that.  He was such a good dog.  He's stubborn as hell.  He knows what he learned in obedience class, he just chooses not to do what I ask of him.  I assume he is in his teenager phase right now. 


I can't believe it's been a year since he was born.  I know he's not a human child but he has stolen my heart in every way.  He has been SUCH a good dog while I was sick.  He's a puppy and yet he would be mellow and calm, laying with me on the couch when I didn't feel good.  Sure, he had his moments but ... I am so happy that he knew I wasn't doing good and took care of me.  

Going back to work was difficult because I was with Loki ALL THE TIME while I was off.  He was an extension of me.  My right hand, my constant companion.  It was hard to go, fearing that he would get some sort of separation anxiety because he wouldn't be with someone all the time anymore.  

He has adjusted just fine.  

Happy Birthday, my little Loki-Poki.  I can't believe you're not a puppy anymore.