Monday, May 6, 2013

The Horses are at the Gate

Have you ever gone to watch horse racing?  You watch the horses parade past the stands in their pretty little blankets and brightly dressed jockies and make your selection.  Who is going to carry your bet to big money?  OK, so I have rarely done the betting thing but I've watched races.  Anyway, they go all the way over to the gate thing and one by one they are put inside. 

Then, the announcer says "The Horses are at the gate ..."  and there's silence.  Everyone in the stands quiets, waiting for that moment to come when the gates spring open and the horses thunder out across the track, pushing and straining to get ahead of everyone else so that they can win. 

I feel like I am in that moment.  The silence is deafening.  We are loaded up in the gate, the keys to the house are just on the other side of the track.  We just have to sign the papers (run the race) to get them.  But, it seems there's a problem with our announcer and the gate operator.  He's not saying anything and the gate doors aren't opening. 

I am stuck in a position of anticipation and excitement.  However, the anticipation is melting into stress and excitement is quickly disappearing.  In it's place ... anger.  I'm no longer at all excited about moving.  I'm not excited about my house, about the whole process. 

The whole thing is a thorn in my side.  I can't plan anything.  I don't have the kind of job where I can just leave and go sign papers  at their leisure.  I can't just decide to move on Wednesday instead of the weekend because the lender didn't get it done in time as promised.   I was out for six weeks fighting a battle against cancer.  Do they think I have a boatload of hours to use to do what they need me to do?  Do they think I can just take time off to handle this?  No.  I can't.  I work in a 24 hour fixed post position.  Someone has to be in my place for me not to be here.  Someone has to give up their time to cover for me.

I'm a high risk for my cancer coming back.  Stress is candy for Cancer.  I DON'T NEED THIS.  Sure, I shouldn't have added the home buying process into my life but I can tell my house was keeping me sick.  I need to get out of it and I wasn't going to move into another rental.  It was all smooth until now.  Now ... when it isn't supposed to be a problem.

OK, I need to go breathe ......

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