Sunday, May 19, 2013

Unsettled.

I'm unsettled.  Physically I'm still sick.  Today I blasted a sneeze in the car and splattered my hand with blood.  It was all over my face, etc.  It wasn't a pretty sight, I looked like a crime scene.  Sorry for the TMI but I was a little unnerved by it all.  I emailed the doctors ... I told them I'm at my wits end with all of this.  Because, quite frankly, I was at my wits end months ago with this.   So we'll see ...

I went over to the old house this morning and started shoving things in boxes and moving everything I could to the front room of the house.  Unfortunately, I had to leave and come to work but I am almost off to go back to it.  I am overwhelmed by what I need to do.  We need to be done today.  That way we can get it cleaned up next weekend and be done with it altogether so I can live in my new house and start feeling alive again.

I'm unsettled.  Mentally.  I feel restless and out of control.  I don't feel like I have an anchor at the moment.  I don't feel like I have a home.  I know I do.  I've been in and out of it all the time.  But, I don't feel quite plopped in yet.  I want to be there and I want to unload the boxes and put everything away ... but I can't yet. 

Dan has this project he's going to do ... but until then I can't use my washer and dryer.  PG&E came to turn on the gas and make sure it was all good so that we had a water heater but ... Dan says we still can't shower there because of some reason or another.  Least of all I haven't a shower curtain rod.  I cannot live like this any longer.

I need to be able to get some sort of routine under my feet.  I usually get up, shower immediately and go about my day.  Now I have to get up, do things around the house, etc so that when I leave I am gone for the day ... going to the old house, showering and then coming to work.  It's not working for me.  I am anxiety ridden right now.  I can't stay like this. 

With everything that has happened ... I desperately need calm ... I desperately need stability and normalcy.  I need to be able to get a grip on my life.  I know I need to tighten up our finances and I can't until we can cook and live at home.  So I feel like my life is not in my control at the moment.  This is not a good feeling for me.  My shoulders are tense, my neck hurts, I sit here and bounce my leg non-stop, a sure sign for me that I am anxious. 

I know I need to go over to that house after work today and bust my ass to get it emptied.  I know what I need to do to bring the normalcy to my life.  Unfortunately, I am sick still and am lacking in the required amount of energy it will take to get this done.  My brothers aren't available today.  Our neighbor who always visits with us is hiding from us I guess ... I just feel like I need extra hands and vehicles to get this done. 

There's also SO much to do at the new house.  Boxes to put away.  A dog run to assemble.  Blinds to hang.  Too much.  It's all too much.   I wish I could put a spell on myself and go on auto-pilot, doing all this and waking up on the other side when it's all done.  I don't know how much more stress I can take.

Alright ... 40 more minutes and I am out of here and will do what I can to get this done .... I don't have a choice.

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