Sunday, June 23, 2013

Debbie Downer

It's been too long since I blogged.  Quite honestly, I don't have anything interesting to say.  Do I want to open up my mind and heart and spill it?  Sure, but you won't want to read it.  Inside my head I'm Debbie Downer right now.  I'm in the thick of dealing with some serious gloomies over everything.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

Especially me.  But, that's what I carry around with me.  I'm pushing forward, trying to pay my bills, make my house payment, be a functioning member of the workforce.  I've found a new love for cooking and am constantly looking for new recipes to try.  Hubby seems to like what I've made thus far which helps ... however, often times, I find myself needing to take a break and sit down while cooking and then I am reminded that I am not the same person.

I look hideous.  Even with the pretty clothes I purchased to make me feel pretty.  If you put a dress on a pig, it's still a pig.  Right?  It's how I am feeling.  Drugs make me gain weight.  It's the truth. It makes me freaking STARVING.  And it's not a good feeling when I've eaten the correct serving size and suddenly I am ravenous for food to the point of shaking.  It sucks. 

Then, everyone ... and I feel it is quite literally everyone around me is all into fitness and running.  They are all doing it.  Everyone is still on the path that I was on before life shoved me down.  I am so  happy for them and happy to hear their accomplishments, but then ... I start to hate myself.  I hate the very thought of what I look like and avoid the mirror at all costs. 

No one understands what's going on.  They don't see me suffering because I smile and laugh.  But inside, I'm miserable.  Everything hurts, I feel out of it.  I feel fat, disgusting and gross and unable to change it. 

I'm a huge loser.  I feel like my husband deserves a wife that's not sick.  He deserves a wife who is pretty and fit and can keep up with him.  He gets plenty of attention ... I get to hear all about it. I trust him ... it's just that I don't blame him for soaking up the attention from those pretty girls.

Lord knows he doesn't have anything special at home.

See?  I'm in a dark place mentally.  Everything I've ever known has changed.  I have NO idea what the future holds for me.  I have no idea if I can go back to trying to live normal life again.

See?  Total Debbie Downer. 

I try and try and try not to talk about being sick.  No one wants to hear it.  It's annoying.  I don't want to hear myself talk about it.  I get mad if I mention it.  No one wants to hear this shit.  Shut up Nik.  You're alone in this.  Everyone else is trying to live normal happy lives.  Shut your pie hole and act like nothing is wrong.  It's better that way. 

Time to slap a smile on my face again. 
Just keep swimming ... Just keep swimming ...

1 comment:

  1. But you HAVE to talk about it, with someone. Pick someone you trust, you cannot keep everything you are feeling and going through inside, it will eat you alive. I'm so sorry Nikki for all that is happening with your health and how it has/is affecting the rest of your life. I'm sending hugs from afar. Know you are loved and valued for who you are, and lean on your family and friends - that is what they are there for.