Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Let it Ride

I'm come here after just reading a rather curt, rude email from my doctor.  In hindsight, now that I've taken a moment or two to not just react and write this.  He has a point.  He admits I have this disease, but he is trying to instill in me that we have caught this before it could do any real serious damage.  I don't have any life-threatening symptoms.  My kidneys are functioning excellently, my nose is still fine (crooked but fine), and I don't have sinus damage.  I'm WAY ahead of the game in that I can take the drugs to get the inflammation down and try to keep everything under control that way.

I won't find myself hospitalized with failing kidneys if I take care of myself, if I contact him the second I feel things coming back and start my prednisone.  I'm worlds better than all of the people I have met through the forum.  I don't have any damage that will stay with me for the rest of my life. 

He doesn't want me to take the big drugs because he doesn't think it will help.  He sees that it will cause more harm than good.  And, in a way, I understand that.  I do understand that.  If it's only going to make me feel worse, and cause further issue than I currently have ... I shouldn't take it.  I'm willing to do what I can now to do that.

I don't want to take those drugs.  I don't want to risk myself any more if I don't have to.   I was instructed to up the Prednisone to the high dose and see if that makes me feel better.  It didn't before but I am trying to be optimistic here. Yes before I walked around like I had the flu 24/7.  Now, I have the flu 24/7 and arthritis.  It's gotten worse but ... it could have been MUCH MUCH worse, right?

Perhaps, I should relax, do what he says, eat healthy, drink my water and see what happens.  I'll take my meds like I'm supposed to.  The reins are in my hands now.  I have this disease.  It won't ever go away.  It's not bad yet.  I'm still good.  I have all my organs intact.  I don't have a saddle nose.  (I have an ugly nose but it doesn't droop in the middle!), I don't need dialysis, I don't need to miss anymore work (unless it just gets worse and worse).    Maybe my stress about all of this, the move, the bills, everything is just getting to me.  I haven't slept well for almost a month, I have the most beautiful dark circles under my eyes you've ever seen without the fun drug trips that go with looking like a fat crackhead. 

I am in control.  I know what I need to do.  For now ... no stress, follow the docs orders, drink water only, eat clean, and ...SLEEP!  Whatever happens, happens.  He insists I'm OK the way I am now and I am going to take his word for it and not stress.

Tomorrow, I'll up the meds.  Tomorrow, I'm not going to talk about how I'm feeling every two minutes.   Tomorrow, I'll put the smile back on my face and pretend nothing is wrong with me.  Tomorrow, when people ask how I am, I'll say "I'm good, thanks".

But that's tomorrow.  Today I can't open my eyes all the way, my head feels like an elephant stepped in the middle of it, my knees are killing me, my wrists are killing me.  I was coughing up bloody crap all morning but I'm OK right now, coughing wise.  I just have to keep in mind ...

This will all be better tomorrow. 

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