Sunday, June 2, 2013

Well, Hello There

I guess I can't call myself a very good blogger if I go for days at a time without writing anything.  It isn't as if there is nothing to rsay.  There's plenty of things to say. 

First and foremost, we are officially completely moved.  Now, I can't say that we are moved "in" completely because there are mountains of boxes everywhere and there probably will be for a long time since both hubby and I work more than 40 hours a week away from the house.  It doesn't leave a lot of time to decorate and unpack when both of us find ourselves needing to "relax" when we come home or, in my case, before we go to work. But, the old house is empty.  In fact, new tenants are already signed up to move in.  It happened overnight!
Oh ... the old house.  I was there on Friday, that last day, helping Dan.  The house was empty.  The rooms seemed big and open and suddenly, I was overwhelmed with sadness about leaving.  I had lived there longer than any place I have lived in, other than the house I grew up in.  It had become my home.  Yes, I knew I'd prefer to have my own house that I owned but it had become the place where I felt most at home.  I'd come home from work after a hard day and feel myself unwinding when I came in. 
So, yes, I was sad, standing there in the middle of the house looking at the empty rooms.  I had 5 years of memories swirling around in my head.  I would miss that house, I would miss the neighbors, I would miss everything about it.  It was a sad moment for me.  I hate goodbyes ... even to a house.
However, now ... I am happy to be in the new house.  I am looking forward to decorating the new house.  It was a moment ....

And now ... the other part.  My health.  It's always about my health.  Honestly, I am tired of telling people I don't feel good.  I'm practicing my normal smile, acting goofy and pretending I feel normal.  It's coming along I think ... however, internally I am dying.
Not literally dying ... not yet anyway.  I'm just miserable.  I have new symptoms.  Arthiritis.  Seriously.  I wake up unable to move my shoulders, the intense pain, the sharp pains if I try to use them.  It's not just the shoulders either. My elbows, wrists, knuckles (including the small joints of the fingers), my hips, knees, ankles and toes.  The agony is horrendous. 
No ... it's not from working out last Monday.  This started before then and the working out was the kicker to send me over the edge I guess. The pain will NOT go away. Unless I take heavy drugs.  I got a shot in my ass on Thursday.  That made everything stop hurting until the middle of the night when I woke up in pain again.  Kaiser screwed up the prescription for the pain meds too so I haven't yet been able to take them. 
Oh ... and I had more blood work done.  They tested me for inflammation.  They did two important tests that would show indicators for Wegener's.  Wegener's is an inflammation disease.
Guess what?  My results were double the "high normal" range.  Double.  I guess I'm a walking tower of inflammation.  And ... the doctor strongly advised me to get back in touch with my rheumatologist because at the very least ... I have major arthritis in my joints.

At 33.

So, I got cancer that only old people get and now I have arthritis or ... the more logical explanation:  I've had Wegener's all along and it's spreading into my joints now, another key indicator that there is that disease there.  Again, thank the heavens it hasn't decided that my kidneys are a cool place to take up residence but .... this pain is too much.
I literally sit here and whimper like a puppy.  I have a high paint rhreshold with things like this and I find myself in tears a lot, whishing for peace.  I just want to feel normal.  Is that asking a lot?  I don't want to hurt, I don't want to be dizzy and nauseous, I don't want to cough, I don't want my sinuses to hurt like I was kicked in the face, I don't want bloody mucus, I don't want bloody noses, I don't want this anymore.  

So ... to sum up?  I'm happy to be moved, and sad to still be sick. 

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