Monday, July 15, 2013

&%@!&*

*Insert your favorite expletives for the title*
Seriously, I want to scream and shake my fist at the world.  No, this entry has nothing to do w/ the nonsense being protested around the world.  The media has bred a society of idiots who don't look at the big picture, just what the media is spoon feeding us.  I won't comment on it beyond that.  This about real issues.  My effin' issues.  Life or death situations. Things that are REAL versus what is made up in someone's mind. 
When is this going to end?  At least temporarily? Or, would it just get worse so that the doctors pay enough attention to actually fix the problems?  I'm at my wit's friggin' end. 
Yesterday, I believed we were going to be working on the house but Dan surprised me by dragging me out of bed, tossing me in the car and heading for Napa.  I knew he wanted to have breakfast at the Fremont Diner.  We've been talking about it since we both tumbled off the Paleo wagon and we were both awake, so why not?  Of course, it was crowded.  Dan said "we don't have time to wait" when I said it wasn't THAT bad and we could just hang out a bit and watch the chickens out back.  It was then that I knew where we were headed. Whuile he was inside grabbing a quicker breakfast for us I checked Fandango's website and confirmed there was a showing of Despicable Me 2 coming up soon. 
He tried to play it off with some horrible lies that I called him out on.  "Meeting the family at Grace Church for services" of which I told him that Nancy, Steve, Gma and Gpa go to a church in Benicia right now and that Nathan and Megan might not quite be back fro mtheir Florida trip.  Then, he tried another "Well, I have to finish something really quick at the Napa house". Um, no.  The house has already had an open house, last I knew he was done with the house. 
So, we headed to the movie theater.  ha!  I was upset though because I really and truly was feeling weird.  I've never felt that way before. It was a cross between feeling like I was going to throw up, pass out, and being dizzy.  It sucked.
During the movie, I kept feeling SUPER tired, like I couldn't keep my eyes open.  It wasn't the movie's fault.  It was my stupid, malfunctioning body.  But, I managed to stay awake and I was glad because I LOVED IT!
After the movie, we took a car ride over to Benicia to see the family because we hadn't in awhile.  Both of us missed the big party in June.  However, they weren't there when we got there.  They were with other family in Sacramento.  Oops.  So ... another scenic car ride home.  We wanted Chinese (they opened at 4, it was 2:30) so we decided to have burgers (happy hour until 5, drats) so we headed home.  We talked about steak.  But, Cattleman's didn't start serving til 5 either.  We ended up trying Jackson's Bar and Oven.
Unfortunately, due to my massively still ill state, I just ordered a burger.  But what we did have was yummy.
We went home, hung out with the animals and watched TV.  I was in bed at 9:30 because I felt even worse.  Seriously, I get one day off and that was how my body had to react? 
I woke up this morning because of the construction across the street.  I figured since I was up so early I would get the laundry done and get groceries at the same time.  So I did.  I got the laundry finished, groceries bought, groceries put away, laundry put away, dishwasher loaded, dinner made, dishwasher unloaded, etc.  It noticed it upon unloading the dishwasher that I wasn't feeling quite right.
I had been doing everything in my power to NOT think about how I was feeling, charging ahead and trying to get caught up because I knew I'd have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I wanted their to be leftovers available for Dan to have for dinner at that point.  I doubt I'll be eating tomorrow!!!!
I began to shake uncontrollably and feel weak.  The same feeling of vomitous, dizzy and passy outty returned.  I powered through putting the dishes away, knew I had to hit the bank, put Loki in his ex-pen and headed out the door.
Of course, halfway to the bank, I began to seriously question my decision to get behind the wheel.  I did alright, there wasn't anything that would have put anyone in danger but ... what if I had passed out, you know?  Anyway, I questioned my decision to come to work.  I got angry and pissed off.
I spent an hour on the phone today trying to get ahold of the Patient Advocate people at Kaiser.  I tried the number I was given, I called the regular number, I called the 24 hr number I was given and got an operator and asked specifically for the advocate.  I was transferred to the business office who didn't answer. I called the number I was given by the operator dude.  No answer after many many rings.  WTF?  It's almost as if they KNOW and are trying to block me from that as well.
So, I'm mad, angry, pissed off, sick, weak, dizzy, nauseous, blah and depressed as you cannot believe.
My brain goes into a very dark place sometimes because of all this.  I feel like the entire friggin' world is against me at the moment.  I feel like I should just let this disease consume me and maybe my family can take Kaiser to the cleaners for mis-treating me.  After all, that would be two family members that we would have lost to Kaiser's inadequate care. 
I become overwhelmingly upset because I look like a cow.  My face is splotchy, fat, and swollen.  My body is ... let's not even get into describing that, OK?  I hate it.  I hate everything.  I hate it all!!!! Why?  Why can't someone help me?!  I pay a shitload of money to Kaiser.  It comes from my job, and my husband's job.  You wouldn't believe the amount of money we are paying to Kaiser.  Yes, I don't have to pay co-pays for anything right now, it's fabulous.  But, it also feels like I'm not getting the same treatment as someone WITHOUT the coverage that I do.  They don't get to send me a massive bill so why try, right?  I know it's a stupid thought but I really feel like those without benefits actually get better treatement when they go in.  It's probably not true, you don't have to lecture me on that. 
I wish I stayed home.  But, I can't afford it.  I can't.  I need to be paid time and a half for my overtime this weekend.  I don't have a choice but to work my ass off.  Our house needs a shit ton of repairs, and I have a massive house payment and again, I won't let the bank say "I told you so" if I miss that payment.
I honestly wish the world would get off my back for a day or two.  I wish a fairy godmother would swoop down, wave her wand and make this illness disappear so I can go back to being healthy and working out and feeling like I am a valued member of society.
Until then, I feel like jabba the hut in the corner, never allowed to play with anyone else, judged relentlessly, the receiving end of comments that could cost someone their job if I wanted to pursue it ... and just a friggin' loser. 
I'm sorry for whomever read this, the title should have tipped you off that it wasn't going to be pretty. 
*
things to be thankful for:
- my husband loves me and treated me to a movie that I couldn't wait to see and took a day to spend with me. 
- I do have a home and a roof over my head.
- I do have a good job
- I have those good benefits, not that they are helping much right now
- I get to see my dentist tomorrow
- I am still alive.
- my furbabies love me unconditionally
- I have a wonderful family. 

There, I counteracted my negativity by acknowledging the positive right? 

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