Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Motivated and Frustrated

It's 9 o' clock ish.  I was already in bed.  I was ready for sleep around 8pm.  How sad is that?  However, Loki left the room, I had to get up and lock the doors, I needed a glass of water and now here I sit on the couch in the relative silence of the house.  
Why didn't I just go right back to bed?
I'm finishing my glass of water.  I'm letting Loki have a few more minutes of playing with his chewie bone before he goes in his bed as well.  Besides, I wanted to take a few moments and try to dump out the contents of my head. 
I did a lot today.  I am feeling it for sure.  I woke up and tossed all the ingredients for dinner into the crock pot, cleaned up a mess Loki made and then took a shower.  After my shower, I realized that there was a LOT of laundry in the baskets.  Dan said he was going to get the dryer hooked up this week but part of me felt that one last trip to the laundromat was in order so that I wouldn't be spending two days trying to get through this mountain of laundry. 
So, I hauled it all down there and had the place to myself for awhile and then had two really weird ladies come in.  I realize how anti-social and rude I am when I am at the laundromat.  I don't want to make small talk with people there.  I don't want to talk!  Leave me alone!!! Then, I leave feeling guilty but sometimes you just get a vibe from people, you know? Besides, working where I do, seeing people's arrest photos all the time ... it makes you cautious when people "look familiar".  You wonder WHY they look familiar, you know?
Came home, ate lunch, put laundry away, laid down with Loki on the bed for a few minutes because, sadly, doing laundry and putting it away takes a LOT out of me.  Seriously, ZERO energy.  
Dan came home and it was on!  He went from telling me it was a bad night to take off because he had to go over his plans for the job.  I told him I was perfectly fine sitting on the couch and entertaining myself - to us moving furniture around. We moved the dresser into the bedroom at the foot of the bed instead of the short cabinet we had there.  We took the short cabinet outside ... dumped all the drawers on the bed for the both of us to sort through clothes and purge.  Dan brought me our old shoe rack so I also went through and tidied up our shoes.  I sorted my clothes, put them away, tossed some out, put others in the donate pile, reorganized the closet .. and then Dan decided to bring that short cabinet BACK inside and put it in the cat room.  We'd put their food on THAT and he could use the big table they had for his plan reading. 
The lifting and moving made me miss working out SO bad.  I don't know.  I love the feeling of being able to lift things.  I love feeling my muscles stretch and pull.  And then, while sorting through my clothes, I came across all my workout clothes.  
You'd think it was a pile of old photographs of my parents or something.  It just punched me in the chest how far I have fallen.  I miss my routine, I miss the drenched in sweat, weak from exhaustion, unable-to-move feeling after a hard workout and want to get back to that SO bad.  I feel like the biggest loser because I can't DO anything.  I try.  Every time I do something I get dizzy, and then there's this energy dump and it's like "SIT DOWN OR YOU'LL COLLAPSE" feeling that I have never had before. 
I walked Loki down to the end of Greenleaf and back.  I had planned on then headed north on Willowside a little bit but ... it was HOT out and Loki was looking a little too hot and I was feeling exhausted so we both came back home.  Maybe tomorrow, as the evening comes, I can take him up Willowside a little.  I want to try and walk every day, adding more and more when I can.  I need to do something.  The being so limited is making me more and more depressed everyday.  
I want to work out again.  I want to be losing weight again.  I am so tired of being this gigantic blimp of a person.  I am so tired of being "that girl", the sick one, the fat one.  I want to crawl into a hole whenever people look at me.  Whenever they look at my body I want to disappear. 
Tomorrow, I go down to Kaiser San Rafael to start the second opinion process with a rheumatologist down there.  I have a knot in my stomach because I know they will weigh me.  I worry that he is a friend of my current rheumatologist and that I will still feel like I am getting the run around. 
Yet, I am also slightly hopeful that he'll start moving in the right direction, you know? 
My life changed in December.  Everything sort of stopped ... Sure, some things kept going but it was like my progress was derailed.  Everything I thought was important slowly faded away.  Like the people in the photo in Back to the Future.  And then, when they said the word Cancer.  Yea, well that made everything flip upside down.  
And ... I'll confess.  There's some swelling in my neck, around the parotid salivary gland (seriously how do I know all these medical terms now) that just makes me nervous.  It could be any number of things, I mean, there is a lymph node there.  But, I've never had these things in my neck until that submandibular gland went haywire.  And that was rare.  There's NO way that now I'll have a plasmacytoma on the parotid gland.  I mean, that would just be too freaky.  
Then again, the pessimist in me thinks now there will be a plasmacytoma there.  This time I wouldn't get off easy with some radiation.  It would be IV Chemo time.  But, on the upside, would cancer chemo also suppress my immune system and slow down Boris?  That's something to ponder. 
I'll have the doc tomorrow feel around my neck.  If he's not worried, then I won't be worried.  However, last year, the ENT wasn't worried about what was in my neck.  Even as late as the day of my surgery, my ENT wasn't worried about it.  He figured they were looking for granulomas for my autoimmune-ness.  He wasn't thinking CANCER.  Maybe doctors don't know anything. 
I sure feel like I know more about Wegener's than the doctors I've talked to.  
So there you have it.  I'm motivated to want to lose weight.  
And, I'm frustrated because when I try I crumble and end up feeling worse on the couch.  
Someday, I'll look back on this time and it will be a distant memory. 
Someday. 

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