When you were a child, did you ever ride in the back of a pickup or a station wagon facing behind you? I did. That's how I feel my life is right now, I am moving away from "good feeling" back into "24/7 cruddy feeling". I want to hop out and run back over to it at top speed.
Me? Running? Hold on while I pick myself up off the floor from laughing so hard. That's hilarious. Anyway, I digress.
I can't seem to sleep enough. My energy is non-existant. I feel like I am slogging through mud. My head is trying to see through a thick fog that is swirling around my head like soup. When I wake up, lying totally still in bed, nothing hurts but then, I get up and my brain does an inventory of what hurts. Then, I check the time and either get happy or sad that I have time to crawl back into bed. I've never been like this, I could sleep all day if the time allowed. Ugh.
Then, there's my shift. I don't mean to beat a dead horse but, I am having a horrific time even staying up til 1am for my shift. I start to fade by 7pm, things start to get worse, I feel horrible. I want to be in bed ASAP. When I'm off, I am done, if the dishes aren't done at 9PM, they don't get done because I'm toast. It's like when I was going through radiation, I would be somewhat awake in the morning but then there would be a steady progression in the downward spiral to the evening.
Unfortunately, I work at night. I work at night for the time being. There are 3 open dayshifts ... three open dayshifts that might be offered in a shift bid as soon as our trainees are done training. I am the next person to get dayshift, no one above me wants it. I am THAT close. It's like a tiny light at the end of the tunnel. However ... there are no open night shifts right now, and ... I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that something is going to happen before shift bid. Someone will retire or quit from night shift, making there be an open night shift .... stopping me from moving to dayshift. I just have this feeling.
Yes, I could tell the doctor my conundrum and have a note moving me to dayshift. I don't want to be that person. I want to get it the right way. I want to get my hands on dayshift the way everyone else did, through a shift bid. I don't want to be that person who sidesteps the regular process and gets it because I'm "special". I know that sounds lame but, it's unfortunately what would be said. So, I continue to plow ahead, working my shift, quietly crying on the inside because I am exhausted and wanting to be at home in bed.
Everyone has an opinion, naturally. Everyone in here has an opinion and of course, I have an invisible illness. I don't look as sick as I feel. Sometimes, I wish it would show like with unexplained dramatic weight loss, or something else. Instead, I look healthy as a horse and as big as one too. I don't want to constantly talk about it, but I am the first to say I feel like shit, because I do.
Still, I'm exhausted all the time, I am shaking right now and I don't know why. I feel like I've eaten, but I am so weak and shaking. I need to stick it out at work for 5 more hours. I need to get through this.
I want to turn back around and head forward!