Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Peek-A-Boo

I haven't been updating.  Not much to report.  Didn't really want to just come here and vent.  Lots of stuff in my psyche, angrying me, that I can't vent about in such a public forum anyway so it wouldn't have done me any good to vent about it.  You know, more trouble than good?
New doctor called me today.  She has a treatment plan in mind, is waiting on a call from the Stanford Pathologist and my oncologist but then she'll be ready to get this ball rolling.  It makes me hopeful.  In 4 days she has done more for me than most of my specialists combined have done in almost 8 months.  It's a good thing and I am feeling positive.
Physically? I am creeping steadily downhill.  My sinuses and face had hurt A LOT.  My nose especially.  The lump or whatever it is that pushes on the underside of my eye must be swelling back up because that distortion or black spot in my vision is getting bigger again.  My eyes hurt.  My ears plug up.  I am coughing more again.
It's all coming back a little more every day. 
It's hard to keep my head up.  It's hard to keep smiling.  I have to be friendly and cordial to someone I can't stand which is exhausting.  I have to listen to things that drive me bonkers/nuts/crazy all the time.  I have to try not to talk about how I feel like hell.  I don't want to whine, but then again, I want to whine!!! I hate this. 
I would love to just stay home til this is figured out.  I really would because doing this, my job, is SO hard while feeling like you have the flu, or when everything hurts.  But, I'm not allowed to say that am I? Nope.  Gotta keep it quiet.
I asked a question, out of curiousity and hope, and was basically blasted and treated quite rudely about it and I am not quite sure what to think.  It's made me beyond angry, less helpful, and ... honestly, so over everything it's not even funny.
See, here I go again, just venty venty venty.  I don't want to do this.  I don't want to have to whine about something. 
I don't feel good.  I just want to go home and crawl into bed. 
Nope, I work nights.  No bedtime for 6 more hours or so.
Oh, bed, how I miss you!

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