Sunday, July 21, 2013

Slight desperation

It's 9:30 and I am in bed. As I start to write this, my eyelids weigh 365 tons. Imaginary toothpicks fortified with imaginary extra strength floss are holding up my lids so that I can purge the noggin before the work week starts back up again.
I'm exhausted. No, I didnt run like everyone else, no workouts where sweat streamed down my face in rivulets, stinging my eyes, curling the baby hairs on my forehead. I barely walked while we were at the beach earlier. Nope, I'm exhausted because its 9:30 and I'm not asleep yet.
I need a new lifestyle so much it hurts. I can't take it anymore. 
First, I must acknowledge the good. Today was nice. I went to Costco and Trader Joes. I came home and tossed the bad items from the fridge and put away the new. Dan worked in the garage and then we took Baby Loki to Bodega Bay where he got to run in the low tide off Spud Point Marina. He even ran out in the water with Dan and we learned he swims like a champ. He was on leash the whole time so I was TOO worried. 
Ok, I was a bit of a worrier on shore. But he was having a ball with Daddy. I watched from shore.
Afterwards, we walked up the road to Spud Point Crab Company and had some Clam Chowder. Loki was dragging when we got back in the truck and passed out for the ride home.
The salt air and cool water on my toes rejuvenated my soul, I felt peaceful. I was able to ignore the sore throat, the jolting nose pain, the jaw pain, my stomachache, and the zero energy. I didnt think about being sick, about work, about money. I lived in the moment.
Now I'm tucked in bed, trying not to take inventory of what's wrong. I don't want to think about how I go back to being alone, to fighting the pain everyday, to fighting to stay awake til 1:30am everyday. 
I have a slight desperation that something's gotta give. My husband told a girl that during all this I've remained positive, still smiling and that I keep working. 
I admitted when she walked away that I am not always positive, that I smile to mask my pain and there are days I absolutely dread every minute of work because I feel so awful.  I explained that I have very dark moments. VERY dark moments. Dan chalked it up to Prednisone side effects.
I wish.
I get upset because I'm left out of everything because of this illness and my new physical limitations.  I get upset because I never feel normal. I get upset because I'm not bettering myself. I get upset because I feel like I'm not a contributing member of society or my marriage. I get upset because I want people to look upon me positively, with pride and awe. Instead, I get sympathy and THAT look. It's no longer a "how are you?". Now it's "how are you feeling?"
I know people care. I just wish I could honestly say "I'm good, thanks".
I wish I could be me again. 
Shift bid, please happen soon. Dayshift, be mine soon. I need more sleep. 
Speaking off, I'm losing the battle against my eyelids. 
Goodnight World

1 comment:

  1. You know my feelings on the shift thing..You need to just go in there with a doctors note and go to day shift. They have a couple open shifts right now just sitting there. Plus I can take most of your swing shifts! win!