Thursday, July 4, 2013

Whimper...

Ever get a charley horse? Ever get one in the front and back of the same leg simultaneously? You can't bend your ankle in any direction! Both are agonizing. Well, I had one of those wonderful things at 8am. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been up til 4:30am with leg pain and a doggy who boofed and whimpered in his crate.  Then, once the pain in the shin and calf had finally figured itself out, the knee pain stood back up and said "my turn again?"
I know that joint pain is a side effect of tapering off prednisone. However, this is more than a little joint ache. I can't walk. It doesn't bend without major pain. It's hot. It's swollen. That's inflammation by any definition.  Not to mention the reintroduction of bloody noses, more sinus pain, eye pressure, muffled ears and ... Welcome back Mr. Cough.  So nice (not) to hear from you again.  
I hate prednisone for the extra weigh, my round face, the pregnant looking belly. I hate it for what it does to me, but... Apparently, that crap had been working.  I was feeling better than I am right now that I am slowly coming off of it. I mean, nothing is worse than it was (except my knee) so I am hoping that maybe things will level out. But, I'm being a crybaby right now. 
It hurts. I feel like crap. I don't want to do anything right now but get some sleep. I want to cry I am in pain. I want to lock the doors and go to bed. But I can't. There's bills stacking up from this house. I need to work more than my 40 hours. I feel backed into a corner. I don't feel like I have options anymore. I feel like I have to button my lip and charge ahead. It feels like everything is on my shoulders. If I get worse I could miss work which means we lose money and could lose the house depending on how long I'm out. Wow. What a loser I would be! So, I push through, ignoring the pain, ignoring the exhaustion, I can't let Dan down.  I can't let myself down. I don't have time to have this disease. I can't afford this disease. There's no place for it in my life.
Yes, Dan is working. But, we both need to be working for this stupid house payment. It leaves me with absolutely no choice. Just keep swimming. I love my house and .... I don't want to prove the asshole at the bank right when they made the comment "she filed bankruptcy before, what if she gets sick again and doesn't make her payments?" I don't want to prove everyone right that I'm a pathetic loser.  It would feel like the bank would say "told you so".
I am the one who is sick, I am the one who had to file what I did before and carry that with me and get judged by it all the time. I'm the one who would be blamed. 
And you know what sucks?! I did NOTHING to cause my disease. It's not like I smoked 6 packs a day and got lung cancer, or drank til my liver gave up the ghost. Nope. I did none of that.
I don't, nor have I ever smoked. I barely have drank. I treat people with respect. I don't break the law or play the system.  I do my 40 hours and then some.  I bend over backwards to help others. I pay my taxes, I pay my bills (the bankruptcies weren't because I didn't pay my bills). So, why am I being punished? What did I do wrong to get slammed down like this? 
I'm angry, frustrated, stressed out, anxious and sick. I want to be like everyone else. I want to go to the gym, or for a walk. I want to be able to plan for my future. I can't even begin to wish for a trip or vacation anywhere.  I had to use up all my vacation time for my medical leave. So even if money wasn't an issue ... Time is. 
My mind and heart have been in a blender since last February when this all began. And since last December its only gotten worse. I NEED a break.  I need a break from everything.  I'd give anything to do something fun, without worrying about bills, about my job, about my health. I just need a break. 

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