Thursday, August 8, 2013

After all, I am a girl

II may be shaped like an Oompa Loompa at the moment, but I am a girl. I'm female. I like pretty things, I love dresses and bows and glitter and sparkles. I could spend millions on shoes and clothes. What I love most of all? Beauty appointments.
I love pedicures, getting my nails done, massages, facials, waxing and best of all? Hair! I never feel as pretty as I do when I have my hair done.  It's the only time my hair truly looks fabulous and I think I could have that awesome hair like the girls in magazines. However, it's usually only that first day or two that has that kickass look because I suck at styling it myself.
I never learned to be a proper girl. I'm not adept at applying makeup. I'm not good with a flat iron or curling iron. I'm just not good at the application of being a girl. I want to be. I want to look pretty. I want to not be the way that I am.
I'm stuck with my face. That won't change. My nose is too pointy but ill accept it because any Wegs patient knows that could change at any time and given how much it hurts all the time, who knows if that's in my future. My lips are too thin, my face far too round (for now I hope). I'm just not naturally pretty. So, I wish I could at least make what I have sparkle!! 
Where am I going with this long diatribe? 
Well, today, right this moment I am getting my hair done. The color is sinking in as we speak. When the color is done, inches will be shed and I will for a moment feel beautiful and pretty. I will walk taller and smile more because for today, I won't feel like a monster. I won't feel like Jabba the Hutt.  I won't feel like that Schlub that I see in the mirror and for that I will be so grateful. 
This last year and a half has been a trial of my spirit. Just when I have hope, it would be dashed. I've been mistreated, misquoted, misdiagnosed, ignored, gawked at, questioned, not believed, etc. I've been sick for a very long time. Everything surrounds this and for today, it won't. Today I will feel/look like a normal person.
Just ignore the dark circles under my eyes, please see beyond the moon face, the double chin, the pregnant looking belly. Please see my hair, the girl I am. I don't want to be the sick girl.
One other lil rant, if I may. I've noticed that I'm silently being judged. No, this isn't paranoia. I don't feels there's any other explanation for it. Someone I know will literally look me over while talking to me. I can see their eyes travel down to the less attractive areas of me and then back. I can see their thoughts "yay I look better than you!" 
I hope in their intense insecurity they realize the big picture. In essence, I've been in a fight for my life.  I was derailed off my fitness train and gained weight back. I've faced the C-word and could very well face it again. I've been diagnosed with a disease that could beat me in this battle and I could die. 
I hope they will be able to sleep good at night knowing that while I fought for my life, they looked better than me. 
I've seen others look at me. It's not the same gleam in their eyes. This is the look of vanity, and ill let them have it. 
Because, what I've been through and continue to go through has taught me about life, about people, about myself. It's taught me what matters.
So, I will hold my head high today, toss my new hair and smile for reals. It won't be the forced smile I wear as a cape against the world. I will feel pretty. I may actually even look that way! 
Because I am a girl, after all.

1 comment:

  1. Nicky you are beautiful, inside and out. You have one of the prettiest and most genuine smiles and heart of gold. <3