Some of you went there with that title and SHAME ON YOU, I say. Not really. I would have gone there too because I am a 13 year old boy trapped in a grown woman's body. Anyway, have you ever watched that show "Wipeout"? If so, you know about those Big Red Balls in the first obstacle course. Everything could be going smoothly on your journey through the course and then you get to the Big Red Balls. I've never seen anyone successfully cross their path.
I truly feel like I've come to the Big Red Balls and fallen off course. Which course? My course to being more positive and seeing the good in my life right now. I know I should still see the good but at the moment, it's like I bounced off a big red ball and landed in the pit of despair.
Now I'm crossing TV shows and iconic 80s movies but you know what I mean. I'm sad. I'm angry and sad but mostly I'm sad. In fact, I spent most of my drive to work a teary blubbery mess.
It's not like I have any ground breaking, upsetting news that has brought on this new batch of tears. No. It's just one thing after another and I stop myself and think ... Why me? What did I do to get such punishment? Was I bad in another life? Have I morally wronged someone somehow that I now have to spend the rest of my life in a battle of wills with my own body?
Today was another day of doctor's appointments. First, the good ol' endocrinologist (thyroid lady for those ot up on the lingo). My Thyroid tests are still not giving her an answer to what is going on in there. I still have Hashimoto's, I still create antibodies against my own thyroid. My poor little thyroid gland is an even bigger moth eaten mess than when she last peeked at it with an ultrasound. And, now she wants to rule out a growth on the pituitary gland. I know it's common. I know it's not life threatening but ... I have to do more tests for that and more blood work and more this and more that and it's just like ... ENOUGH!!
I mean, I'm completely happy with my doctors and their willingness to test, test, test but at the same time I just want to stop with the testing already! I feel like going to Kaiser, parking myself in their labs and saying "Just do it all. Test everything."
I have to have a Radio Active Iodine Uptake test or an RAIU for short. Monday morning I go to Kaiser bright and early, take a pill to make me glow, go home. Then come back 4 hours later to have them scan my neck and then head home (actually to work that day). The next day, I go back to have them scan it at 24 hrs, leave for an hour and come back to have the ...................... MRI.
MRI is a piece of cake right? Sure, if you aren't horrifically uncomfortable with small spaces and currently are an obese fat ass like me. I had to be severely medicated last time. I had an IV and it was easy. This time? I have two valium. Hopefully that will be enough. I'm gonna try and NOT think about it until I have to. I know what to expect it's just ... small spaces suck and when you are a big person having to squeeze into the same small space as the tiny people around you ... it's not fun.
I'm not even worried about the potential growth. It's just that there is possibly just one more thing going on.
I already have a Japanese man and a German man fighting for top billing rights inside my body. Hashimoto's and Wegener's. Interesting, no?
So, a moment to spew some anger at the world about my situation, can I? What did I do? I am a good person. I have hardly drank in my life, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. I pay my bills, I pay my taxes, I work my 40+ hours, I gave my ex-husband EVERYTHING in the divorce, I have two bankruptcies because of him, I have done everything possible to live a good, clean life. For what? To be sick every day, to be in pain, to be happy one minute and then sad and then angry? To have worked so hard to lose almost 40 lbs just to gain it all back and then a bit more? I don't understand. I feel like I am being punished in some fashion and then I think of the aforementioned ex and I am mad because ... he's got it made. He got a new house right away, cars, marriage, kids ... everything HE wanted.
Am I being punished for getting a divorce? Am I being punished for standing up for myself and what I want? It's the only thing in my life I can think of that would have brought some great consequence down upon me. My option of kids went from being wide open to ... possibly not at all. I can't morally, ethically adopt a child in this condition currently. I need to make sure I am going to be in a good place before I can even THINK about looking at that option. I finally have a house but ... we had to claw and fight our way back to it. There was no "easy out" for us.
I don't know. I know I'm being petty but ... he screwed me over and is somehow living life and being happy and all that. I want to scream. I want to scream at the world. I want to scream at whoever is listening anywhere that I am mad as hell at everything right now. Because I am. I am, damnit! I'm mad and I'm sad and it's not fair and ... ARGH! *&^&#($*@(@(&^$(!!
OK ... I think I might have gotten that off my chest now. Maybe. POssibly. At least for the moment. I need to really be focusing on what's good about my life instead of focusing on the shitty parts. Because, there are good parts. A lot of good parts. Sometimes, it's just hard to see them.
I'm sorry for ranting. Like I said in an earlier entry, I've got a good grasp on what's happening but ... sometimes I have to be able to have a moment, you know?
Have a good Wednesday everyone. Don't forget to keep smiling.