I really wish my brain and my body would get on the same page. Mentally, I want to joke around, laugh, and carry on like normal. So, I do. I find myself joking and laughing and then ... it's like someone upended my bucket of energy and poured it down the drain. I sink down into my chair, I flop my head back into the cushion. I start having vivid fantasies of my bed. Or ... if I can't be in bed, at least I could be curled up in my fuzzy blanket on the couch. I find myself daydreaming, and then doing a mental count of the numbers.
Earlier, while walking up to the door of work, it happened again. It was like I couldn't move my legs forward. I had to tell myself, left ... right ... left. It took concentration and every ounce of energy I had to move forward. Thankfully, I sit for a living. But, I still wish I was sitting in a different location.
I am missing the Relay For Life this weekend. I really wanted to do it but I can't even wrap my mind around doing anything other than resting. The medication makes me feel horrible, being away from the house makes me uncomfortable because when I want to just collapse, I can't. So ... I've withdrawn my participation and that makes me feel like complete and total shite. I did make a donation to the American Cancer Society, the amount I had pledged to raise. I hadn't pledged much because my energy is non-existant. I wanted to make it a goal I could cover myself should something happen ... and it did.
I am optimistic about my work schedule for the next few weeks. I do have days off, I don't have too many super long shifts. Actually, I only have a grand total of 1. I even gave away 6 hours. I am comfortable with what I need. I know what I need to have and I don't want to overdo it. I know I need comp time but you know what? I don't want to end up being sick trying to build up a bank to take time off. I get 3 day weekends, perhaps I should just make an effort to have more of my weekends.
Ugh. My head. It's in a fog. It hurts. I get sharp, jolting pains that feel like they are coming from deep inside my brain trying to spring from my eyes. It's like an electrical shock! I'm so tired. Fatigue is a bitch. Let me tell ya ... it's not a fun time.
I just want to be at home. Can I whine for a moment? I just want to take a day and not do anything. I want to take a day and be a patient. I want to take time and not try to keep up with everyone else. To not try and clean up, make dinner, go to work, run errands. I just want to take a day and be able to rest. I want to sleep for 24 hours, I want to lie on the couch and let everything rest. I am trying too hard to do too many normal things. I don't want to be that sick girl, yet ... I need a day every now and then to just be that sick girl and not be required to do what needs to be done.
However, on the same note ... I love being domestic. As much as I feel like it's a pain in the ass to get started, I am over the moon when it is done. And, I have found a new love of cooking. Everything always at least smells good. I never know how it's gonna taste until I can get to work and get on my lunch break and heat it back up. Someday, when I finally make it to dayshift sometime in my 40s I'll be able to cook dinner and sit down and eat it fresh and hot. Only at least 7 more years to go! Right?
Blah. I feel like poop. I really can't wait to get to my bed. Soon. Its going to be soon.