Monday, August 12, 2013

Exactly a year and a half

I started to unload some boxes last night.  We got a new dresser and moved the other one into the spare bedroom.  Eventually, it will hold linens and what not.  But, I started moving some boxes around and decided to open one.  It had books inside so I started to go through them.  I hadn't intended to keep ALL these books.  In fact, Dan had packed them and just threw all the books into boxes because he didn't see my purge/pack theory.  So, I started going through them and found a book I had purchased before the first of 2012.  It was a 5 year diary with a question on every day.  You are supposed to just answer the question every day and see how the answers change.  I opened it and started looking at the answers.  The answer on February 12th, 2012 caught my breath.

It talked about how I wished I wasn't sick.   I flipped forward a few days and saw the same theme over and over again.  I was still sick, not getting any better.  February was when this all started downhill for me. February12th is the first documented date of me being sick.

Today is August 12th, 2013.  It has been officially a year and a half.  A year and a half of feeling like I have the flu/cough/bloody noses/weird blood work/run down/sneezing/throbbing face pain/muffled ears ... need I go on? At least now I sit here writing this a year and a half later with a name for what's going on.   I don't have the questions I did before.  I know what I have and I am working on getting that long dreamed off remission where I might be able to achieve a "New Normal".  Wow.  A year and a half.  I always just sort of tossed around that time frame because that is how long it had felt and it truly has been that long.

I set goals to clean up my eating but then I didn't.  Today, I reaffirm those choices to myself.  I've completely packed my food for the day, allowing myself one and one only, little cheat.  A Grande Chai Tea Latte from Starbucks.  OMG.  Chai Tea Lattes where have you been all my life.  I cannot get enough.  For some reason, the carb content of this beverage is through the roof.  Haven't quite figured out how a beverage like that can be so full of carbs but ... soda is so I guess that explains it, right?  Anyway, that's my treat.   I have greek yogurt, no sugar added applesauce, some strawberries, paleo tuna (hard boiled egg, half an avocado and a can of tuna), chicken and potato leftovers, salad, a kind bar, an apple, celery, peanut butter, need I go on?  I packed a lot but I would like to have food on hand in case I get hungry.  It will keep me from tumbling off this wagon I so gingerly just got back onto.

I spoke in this blog about having a lack of control.  I am not in the drivers' seat of my own life.  I can control what hours I work, how big my paychecks are and now, I've remembered I can control what I eat.  I can control what goes into my body.  Clean eating is what it needs to be because, obviously, my body is malfunctioning on so many levels it's beyond being funny anymore.  I packed food and did dishes and laundry, tomorrow I will go grocery shopping and hopefully take Loki for a walk.  I have control over these things.  If Loki and I cannot walk far, we will do what we can.  Because, I still have control over that.  I don't HAVE to go several miles, I don't have to run, I don't have to meet a certain goal.  I can just do it.

I need to focus on what I do have control over.  I need to hold the reins tightly in my hands and not let anyone control that part.  I don't want to overdo it with overtime, so I am going to try and control it lightly.  I know what I need to have, and will do what I can to manage that.  Anything over that I end up with needs to go into my comp bank, so that I can build up my empty comp hours.  Because, days off are better than work days, always remember that.   If I adjust comfortably to the hours that I get paid for, then I will know I can do it.  Then, I will know that it's fine.

I need to remember that I have to focus on staying alive.  I need to keep the upper hand so that this disease that I have is something that I am living with, not something that I am dying from.  If I can stay alive, keep myself as healthy as I possibly can in this given situation,  then everything is going to be OK.  I think I will feel like life will be longer than it feels at the moment.

I've been sick and miserable for a year and a half.  I am ready to fight back to try and feel somewhat OK for the rest of my life.   If I can.

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