Friday, August 23, 2013

Finding the Positive and Quieting Myself

It's 8:42 PM and I desperately want to go to bed.  I can even do so if I wanted to because I don't work tonight and I am at home, in my pajamas, on my couch.  So why am I not in bed?  Because it's 8:42 PM.  I'm 33 years old, not 65, even though my body wants me to think I'm 180.  So why not rest my crumbling body?  Because I work nights 4-6 nights a week and it's hard enough to stay up as it is without flipping back to getting to blissfully sleep through the night on the weekends.  

I overdid it again today.  I felt like I was feeling good.  I made my breakfast, I vacuumed, I swiffered the floors, I dusted the living room.  I took out the garbage and recycling (after bringing in the cans from the street).  I started laundry, I cleaned the cat box and vacuumed the carpets, I made the bed, I emptied the dishwasher and did the other dishes.  After a shower, I decided to go for a walk with my dog for two miles.  

It had been my plan to go out for dinner with my husband as I had been cooking all week and I was looking forward to not cooking.  But, he's scuba diving in the morning and didn't want to eat heavy.  So I went to the grocery store and got stuff to make dinner.  While starting to make dinner, I realized I had done too much today.  I felt horrible.  I managed to make dinner but it has been a steady downhill spiral ever since.  

Now, my face is killing me.  It's like someone took a wire brush to the inside of my nose, and while they were up there took a few potshots at the inside of my sinuses and stuffed a bunch of the trash up behind my eyes.  

Before I run off on a tangent of whining, let me tell those of you who read this who don't follow me on Facebook about the daily photo/post challenge I have given myself.  For the next 30 days, I will find something every day that makes me smile/happy and take a picture of it.  I will also make a conscious effort to make a status update that is positive in nature and not whining or talking about my illness.   I call it "Finding Happiness" because there are little things out there that can bring happiness every day.  Sometimes, when dealing with something like a lifelong illness and a cancer diagnosis, it's hard to see those little happy gems out in the world.    I am going to make every effort to find those things and acknowledge them so that I may combat the sad/dark feelings that keep wanting to take over. 

I also want to start making a conscious effort to NOT talk about me with those around me.  It's clear that it's annoying, and I even annoy myself at times.  It's a part of my life, it's not bothering or affecting the lives of anyone else so ... I need to keep it to myself.  If someone asks, sure, I'll answer questions.  But it absolutely does not need to be brought up ... ever. 

I even feel like I can't talk to my husband about it.  So, goodbye disease, we aren't gonna be talking about you anymore.  At least, not with everyone.  

No, I'm not being "poor me" about this.  I just realized how annoyed I get when someone keeps mentioning something and it seems like they are looking for attention.  And, I have started noticing reactions when I mention things so ... I am not going to be bothering anyone with it anymore.  I think it will make everyone happy.  

Oh bed ... how I wish I could go cuddle you right now.  I also have the last load of laundry going right now.  I got a dress in the mail that I ordered on eBay and the seller was a smoker.  OMG were they a smoker!!!! I am washing the dress in the hopes that it doesn't smell like a tobacco smoke factory when it comes out. It's super cute too.  

Oh ... I joined the Vasculitis Foundation website and have been in contact with some people already.  I got an email from the head of the Sacramento Chapter of a Vasculitis Support Group.  They are actually meeting on Thursday but I won't be able to get to Sacramento  that day so I'll hopefully get to go to their December meeting.  She's also going to put me in contact with some other Wegener's folks via email.  I'm excited to have more people I can talk with .  

OMG.  Whose Line is it Anyway?  I love this show.  I am about to die from laughter!!!! 

Happy Friday Everyone.

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