When I first started to get really sick at the end of the year, it was winter. There was rain. Oh rain, how I love thee. Don't get me wrong, I love to be outside when it's not raining, walking, hiking, whatever. But, there is something cozy and comforting about being confined to the couch when it's raining. I don't have to go out driving in it, I don't have to try and dart between raindrops, I don't have to remember to bring an umbrella... and, I get to listen to it.
I love the sound of the rain. LOVE IT! I could listen to noise machines but it's just not the same. When I was home during the rain, I would prop open the door and smell it too. Come on, you know what that wonderful fresh smell is. Truthfully probably all the oil in the road, etc but it still smells fresh and wonderful. How I miss these smells/sounds!
The little things are what make me happy. In fact, I was at peace last night just sitting in my living room in the silence. The dog was chewing on his bone at the end of the couch and it was just peaceful. I had the small can lights on that are over the fireplace and I didn't want to move. Unfortunately, it wasn't completely perfect because I was dealing with the wonderful side effects of the new medication.
Let's kill off my immune system, shall we? It's what's trying to kill me and I don't want to die. This is a good thing. But, in the meantime, I'll feel like ass. I have learned so much about the human body. When we get a cold/flu, the reason we feel so crappy is our immune system working to kill off the bad cooties. Right now, I feel so bad because my immune system is constantly working and now it's working to try and fight back against the medication. So it's a wonderful party inside my body ... not.
It's quite apparent to me that some around me either don't believe me or ... I don't know. But, I have what I have, I can't change it. It's not going to go away. I would give ANYTHING to be as healthy as them and save my sick/comp/vacation time. I'd give anything to make it through my shift without wishing I was curled up in bed in the safety of my home. But, this is what it is ... I wish people wouldn't assume/question/think that they know it all. Ask me if you think there is something up. Or, if you don't believe me, keep your eye rolling, head shaking, disbelieving looks to yourself. Vent about me all you want when I am gone. I don't really give a shit. Pardon my french.
I have a disease that has the potential to KILL me. You can deal with me occasionally being sick for periods of time and having to compensate for that, even though me being gone would do absolutely nothing to affect you in anyway. Or ... you can deal with me being permanently gone when I am dead. Take your pick. Seriously, I am not doing this to personally slight anyone in any way.
Wow, sort of changed gears on that one didn't I? Well, I was writing about the rain because I was trying to focus on the positive things, the things that make me happy. But, the anger from recent events swelled back up inside me and I had to let it out. It happens. I'm not in the position to verbally vent at the moment so I will write it here.
Yes, this is another whiny-ish blog entry, Erick.
I sound angry and it sounds like I am surrounded by uncooperative people. I'm not. For the most part, I have a very supportive group of friends/family and even some co-workers. However, it's the ones who aren't that are the most noticeable sometimes, you know? But, I don't care. I don't care anymore. I want to be alive. I want to live and see more of what life has to offer. I can't be bothered with the nonsense of others at the moment. So, I won't.
Here's to the little things. My awesome black and white victorian looking curtains that hubby purchased and hung for me last night. The beautiful gray black out curtains he hung in the bedroom. The washer and dryer are hooked up at home now so I no longer have to go to the dreaded laundromat! The home we purchased that will slowly but surely be done so hubby doesn't have to constantly work on it while trying to run a complicated job site in San Francisco. Life is good outside of this bubble of what's going on with me. I want to enjoy it.
I will keep swallowing pills in increasing doses until my immunity is no more. I will do whatever they ask of me, hop through hoops, get jabbed with needles, go to countless doctor's appts, whatever. I will follow the directions so that I can stay alive.
Because I miss the rain and want to see it rain again.