Shopping with this grotesque prednisone shaped body is a challenge. I know what size I can wear, but I'm also an adult woman now and not considered a "junior" so I have to be careful not to get anything that might be considered "junior plus". I've got hips. Large ones at that. No junior anything is gonna get over them.
I enjoy wearing dresses and feeling somewhat girly. However, I have noticed some frightening fashion trends in my quest for new clothes. For one, why do all the dresses right now have to be floral? I like floral patterns, but there's a fine line between cute dress and muumuu. I'm fat, I don't need to draw any other unneccessary to my largeness and getting a dress that looks like a muu muu is a surefire way to accentuate my size. Two ... spandex. What brilliant rocket scientist thought that anything spandex should be made into plus sizes. There are things that could work and others? Oh good heavens, no! And then ... there's the "Kimono".
Ah yes, a Kimono. Also known as a Japanese robe like dress thing. Kimonos can be absolutely beautiful .............. when wore by tiny Japanese women. A Kimono was made in Japan. The women of Japan are slender, tiny, petite, etc. Japan doesn't have the obesity issues that plague the USA. However, someone here in this country has decided to make plus sized Kimonos. Or, to refer to dresses as a Kimono style.
No. It's not a Kimono. It's a muu muu. I know a muu muu is another traditional dress worn by women of a Pacific Islander descent. However, those women from those Island nations are also not known for being petite or tiny. A Kimono was not made for a large person. It then becomes a muu muu. Dispute that all you want, if I put my fat lard butt in a Kimono, it's gonna look like a muu muu! Honestly, why doesn't anyone think about these things? Do they think women are going to purchase it because it has the more elegant designation of Kimono? Am I the only one who has caught on to this?
I've seen several dresses that would look so pretty if I weighed 50lbs less. It's not a flattering color/pattern/cut for someone of my size. It wouldn't make anyone feel good about themselves to wear it, you know?
When you feel like hell on the inside, it sometimes helps to dress up the outside. Everyone walks taller and feels prettier when they are dressed nice. Unfortunately, the benefit of my disease is ... WEIGHT GAIN from the medications so ... it's hard to balance looking pretty and not feeling like I am wearing a muu muu.
Now that I have devoted an entire entry to the differences between two dresses, I think I'll focus on other topics. Like, ... anger?
I am having a rough time with things right now. The frustration levels are through the roof. I have what I have and it is what it is, I can't cry about it anymore but now, I'm at that point where I'm angry. I'm mad as hell and yesterday, when I went through some more pain in an effort to combat this monster, I was livid. Why? Why did this have to happen? Why did I finally get on board and motivated to lose weight and live a long healthy life only to be knocked down by my own body rebelling against itself?
It feels like everything is up in the air. We were talking about renovations for the future of our house and I muttered "Its not like we can have kids." Because, at the moment, I can't even begin to think about how I can make that happen and ... it upsets me. It upsets me a lot. It's a decision I should be allowed to make but once again it feels like life is making all the decisions.
I have no control, remember?
I wanted to be angry and bitch about things. I wanted to shake my fist at the world and talk about how unfair it was that this was happening to me. But, I was shut down immediately. I was told that being angry and complaining isn't going to change anything.
Um. OK. It will help me. It will get it off my chest and I won't carry it around with me all the time. I won't get a quiet moment and dwell on the fact that I get uglier every day with this round face. I can't stand the girl that looks back out of the mirror at me. I can't do anything to make her look acceptable. I find myself feel like I'm staring at a dead-end of my life. It feels like it's never going to get better, it's going to only get worse and I feel like a sitting duck just waiting for that to happen.
I did lab work yesterday. I really have to learn to do it on a different day. I start getting the results back and the doctors aren't there to ease my mind. Like, the kidney test that was higher than it ever has been before, not over the limit yet but close. It's never been that high. I did my research and it says it shouldn't fluctuate much at all. So ... why is mine rising? And, the pituitary tests are high. Very high. Like, potential growth on the gland high. But ... there are other explanations for that as well but it doesn't make a girl feel good to think about a growth in my head all weekend until the doctor can get back to me.
Sadly, I fear another CT scan and another MRI is in my future. At least I get to be injected with fun loopy drugs for the MRI portion. Otherwise they won't be able to get me into that tube. At least once those things are done we can rule out the growth/tumory things. I'll just sit here and worry about my pituitary gland and my kidneys all weekend. I want to do another kidney function test ASAP. I want to know it was a fluke and is going to go back down.
These are the kinds of things that haunt me all the time. Everyone seems to think I can flip the switch and not think about this 24/7 but I can't. I wish people could understand it. I find myself biting my tongue at home, not wanting to mention anything because I can tell my husband is annoyed as hell at hearing about me being sick. Don't want him to run away because it's all that we talk about.
See ... and here at the beginning of all this my worries were about Kimonos and Muu Muus. Oh, if only things were that simple.