Wednesday, August 28, 2013

What I want and what I can do

... are now two different things.  This is the new reality.  I feel like I'm 110 years old having to say this, literally.  Anyway, not my point. 

I have a list of things I need to get done.  These are also things I greatly WANT to get done.  I want to go through all the boxes in the spare bedroom.  I don't want that room to look so much like a "catch all storagey" place.  So, I want to finish going through the boxes and shelving the books.  I want to box up all the books I've read and have no intention of reading again and donate them.  I want to get rid of all the stupid cookbooks I have because I never use them.  Not ALL of them but, the ones I purchased that I don't want.  You know what I mean.  I want to make up the files pertaining to "house stuff".  I want to get everything off this table in the living room and get rid of the stupid table, opening up that part of the living room.   I need to vacuum again, I need to swiffer again (these two things are a never ending battle).  I need to get a spray bottle and clean my stupid microfiber couch.  I have more laundry to finish. 

My brain just launches into telling myself that I need to go and do all these things as fast as possible with my time.  My brain still tells me if I get everything done now, I can have spare time afterwards to hang out and do whatever.  Except, my body doesn't get the memo.   I do these things, ignoring the signs that keep flashing at me to stop.  Then, I'm toast.  So, instead of enjoying my spare time with a nice walk or going out and doing something, I'm a zombie lying on the couch wishing that the world would go back to the way it was.

Welcome to the new normal.  I've heard this term tossed around in many forums, on facebook, twitter, etc.  This is my new normal.  I have to learn to pace myself.  I have to learn what I can do and what will have to wait until the next energy surge.  Not EVERYTHING needs to be at once. 

I wish I could afford a maid.  Although, the vacuuming still needs to be done on an almost daily basis.  My dog is the fluffiest non-fluffy dog in the world.  He walks and the long hairs leap from his body at a rapid pace.  Seriously, he's a hair machine!   And, I love to cuddle him but I swear I'm hairier than he is after I hug him.  I keep waiting for him to be bald one day but ... it seems when one hair falls out, three sprout in place.  But, I love him and I love that he always wants to cuddle me.  A dog's intuition is spot on.  I always need those hugs when he comes over and presses himself into my lap. 

My outlook is getting a bit better.  I've accepted that things are the way that they are, and I am focused on trying to enjoy life however that may be.  It may not be by losing weight as quickly as I want to. It may not be super strenuous hikes for awhile.  It will just be what it is for now.  I can't change it.  It's OK at the moment, I'm not fantastic but I am not dying either.   I have to remember that.  I am out of the hospital, I am able to live on my own.  I don't have major organ damage.  I have to focus on the positive.  I have to focus on what's good.

I am off for the next three days.  I plan on mentally and physically regenerating.  I plan on wrapping my brain about the happy go-lucky person I used to be and making her reappear.  I have to remember that being happy doesn't center around what I look like on the outside.  I am a Weggie, I take prednisone, I am stuck this way for awhile.  Best thing I can do is stop myself from gaining anymore and I think I have a good handle on that.  No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer.  No one wants to talk about my illness all the time.  There used to be other things I talked about!!

I want to be in better shape, I want to be healthy and live a long life.  Those are things I want.  What I can do is ... accept myself for who I am, know that I am a good person with a good heart, know that I am trying to control what's going on with me as best as I can to live a long life.   This is my life now, and who wants to be sad all the time?  I know that I sure don't.  It stops me from doing things, it keeps me from enjoying things.  I am alive now, I am not hospitalized, I'm not on dialysis.  I'm pretty well off in terms of what could be and what may be in the future. 

I can be happy.  I can live my life.  So what if my chores take a few days?  So what if things are different than they were before?  I'm in charge of my happiness.  I won't let this stupid thing take that away from me. 

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