Friday, September 13, 2013

One question: Why?

I'm struggling today.  I'm struggling with keeping my mask of "normalcy" on.  I'm trying to smile and laugh but the moment no one is looking I am blinking away tears.  For the men that may be reading, NO it's not PMS.  It's my carefully laid facade cracking because it's SO hard to keep it in place. 

So many things are knocking around inside my head, vying for position of which is the most important worry/stressor that I have.  There's the usual:  money, bills, etc.  Then, there's my own unique set of worries: Cancer remission, lifelong-life threatening illness, disability, not being able to work enough to make the bills, being out of work, being out of work forever, getting sick, dying, not being able to be a mommy, not being around to see my brothers have children, to see my husband as an old man. 

I think I could go on and on and on about that last part.  There is so much that comes with this diagnosis.  It's on my mind 24/7 and those people that say "Just don't think about it" don't understand.  I can't just not think about it.  It's part of everything that I do.  Wash my hands more than normal, Purell, wipe things down, contemplate whether I have to pee bad enough to go into the public bathroom.    Is this cough getting worse?  Is this new congestion?  Why was there blood in the sink when I coughed?

I'm sad.  I waited.  I didn't want to have kids when I was married first.  I didn't want to have kids with my husband.  It was more that I wasn't feeling a life of him ... not that I didn't want kids.  When I started all over, I knew there was a possibility I wouldn't find someone and I'd never have kids.  Now, I have someone, I love my husband.  I want them ... and then this disease took that from me. 

Adoption is my only option at this point.  I have no problem with this option as there are millions of children who need loving parents.  But, my husband had a valid point that I need to get to a healthy point of this disease before I could even sign on to be a parent to a child.   Being a parent means giving up yourself.  Your needs are no longer important and unfortunately, right now ... I have to put my needs before anything.  I don't want to die.  I don't.  I'm adamant about that.  I need to stay healthy. 

So, at this point, I don't know if that's going to be something I achieve.  Motherhood.  I listen to all the cute stories of people's kids, I see their pictures and it pierces my heart because I don't know what's ahead for me.  I don't know if I will get to be a part of that club.  And, everyday ... I get older, and the dream seems to fade a little more.  That breaks my heart. 

I also know I need to overcome my intense fear of flying.  I need to let it go.  I mean, if I'm meant to die in a plane crash it's gonna happen, right?  Because that is my only fear of it.  I don't want to crash.  I've never been on a damn plane.  I fear that there will be turbulence and I will have a complete breakdown.  But, I want to do so many things, I want to travel and see places.  Places I can't see without flying there.  I want to go to Hawaii, the Bahamas, Europe.  If I don't go to London, Ireland and Scotland before I die it will have been a wasted life. 

I don't want to be in this body, in this illness anymore.  I'm disgusted with what I see in the mirror, in what I know is my body.  I can't stand my face.  I truly and honestly feel like I am depriving my husband of something.  You may think I'm ridiculous but you aren't the one who gets uglier with time ... isn't that what every man loathes?  Imagine how it feels when that's what's happening to you ...

Why me?  What did I do to find myself in this position? I'm a good person.  I've lived a clean, good life.  Why did this happen?  What am I being punished for?  I wish I knew.  I wish I knew so I could atone for it and move back to my old life. 

Some of you may even think I'm not as bad off as others so what right do I have to be upset about this? Well ...  this is something I am going to have to deal with and face for the rest of my life.  I may be somewhat OK right now, but that could change and ... I could be worse off than others.  I don't know what is going to happen in the future.  I am at my body's beck and call now.  I don't have control, remember?   My life is no longer my own.  I am a slave to my bills, my mortgage and my disease. 

I'm sad.  I hate this.  I want to cry and I need a hug.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sending e-hugs Nicky. I'm so sorry you're having a down day, you have every right to cry, just get it out. And then if you need to cry some more, do it. You've got more on your plate than anyone else I know, if any deserves a good cry, it is you.