Tuesday, September 10, 2013

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

True Story.  However,  I don't want to be killed before I am feeling stronger!

My medication is a necessary evil.  Necessary because I'd love to start feeling normal but evil because whenever I take them I feel sick for two days.  Sicker than normal.  Not as sick as last week but definitely not the new normal I've been able to maintain.  Today is day 2 of the medication side effects.   It seems to be going in waves at the moment.  I'm feeling good ... and then I'm not.  And then I am feeling good again shortly afterwards. 

My nose is causing me absolute agony.  It's sooooo itchy, yet incredibly painful if I try to rub it.  It feels like it's drier than the Sahara Desert but, if I try to put my saline cream inside, it's not dry.  What the heck!!! I've always hated my nose.  I've hated the shape of it and how dang pointy it was.  Now, I just hate how it makes me feel all the time.  Stupid blasted nose.   *shakes fist*

Honestly, this past year and a half has really tried every part of my being.  It's pushed me mentally, it's drained my physically, it's twisted me up emotionally.  It's been up and down and loop-de-loops and flips and sudden drops and stops.  Where was the safety warning for my life?  If you have back problems, a heart condition, or may be pregnant, it is advised that you do not ride this life.  Well, I didn't have any of those things prior.

I need to get away.  Unfortunately, there's stuff that needs to be paid for, I just filed my taxes and that's gonna be a new monthly payment on top of all the others I have right now.  I am so stressed and stretched to my breaking point but ... if I take time off, it would only make that stress even bigger and stretch me even tighter.  See my conundrum?  I need to win the lottery or have a sudden windfall of money to relieve the street.  But, then again, doesn't everyone?  I don't know a singler person who says "No, I don't need any extra money, I'm fine."  Well, I know "of" people like that but I sure as heck don't know them personally. 

Anyway, like I was saying.  I need to get away.  I need to go somewhere peaceful, to sit in a chair overlooking the ocean, to gaze upon a quiet meadow or ... my favorite option, walk through the Happiest Place on Earth surrounded by things that remind me of my happiest times on earth, around my happiest things on earth, living my happiest dreams on earth.  I'm a Disney fanatic, I can't help it.  My parents created that monster with taking me there all the time.  It's where I feel them most.  I have so many memories of my family there.   I am happy there.  I don't think about work, about stuff that makes me angry, about stuff that stresses me out. I am truly at peace when I am there.  But, it's 8 hours away ... rooms are expensive and tickets are extremely expensive.  Not to mention food and souveniers.  Yea .. it's not gonna happen.  But, even other getaways are just not in the budget right now either.

Such is the life of a responsible adult.  I acknowledge that I can't have everything I want all the time.  There are duties and responsibilities that require my attention.  There are bills needing to be paid, there are chores to be done, there are many hours to be worked to get money to pay the aforementioned bills that need to be paid.  We need a fence to be built around the property so my lil dog cannot get out and get hit by a car.  We need to finish some of the electrical.  We need to put the floor and walls back up in the 3rd bedroom.  I need to stockpile monies in my savings account for the time when Dan is between projects and I am the sole provider of the family again.  There is just so much I need to do ... that overtakes the things that I WANT to do. 

What if I flare badly?  What if I am hospitalized?  What if I am put on leave? What happens then?  Who pays the bills then?  Honestly, this all better make me a stronger person.  Because I am going to explode with the stress that comes from having a chronic life threatening disease and all the bills that I have. 

Oh ... I really wish I could just get away for a day. 

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