Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Brushing off the cobwebs

Hi!  Remember me?  I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote.  No, that's a lie.  I know how long it has been.  I'm aware I haven't written.  Every time I stopped to think that I wanted to come here and write something, I stopped myself.  What would I say?  What could I possibly write? 

  • I still feel like shite
  • I'm still miserable on nightshift
Unfortunately, I have nothing really going on in my life other than work, and trying to manage this godforsaken illness.  There's so much weighing on my mind that I feel like I am now fighting a constant battle against depression. 

Winter is coming. 

No, this isn't a reference to Game of Thrones, although I LOVE that show and the books.  No, it's a reference to life in general.  Winter IS coming.  It's already almost mid-October for crying out loud.  Winter for a construction worker's family potentially means no work.  No work for hubby means wifey works more to make up the difference.  This winter we have a HUGE house payment to make which tightens that noose around my neck a little more.   However, I have this tiny speck of hope that they are going to keep Dan working through the winter months.

In any case, I have been working a lot lately.  I know this upsets those around me but, I don't really feel like there is much choice in this matter.  I desperately need to pay down bills before the winter comes.  I need that financial burden on my shoulders to be lighter.  It has to be lighter!!! I've talked with my husband several times about needing to hunker down and budget our money ... and soon I'm going to start screaming it.

Here's where it's going to get crappy if you want to click away.  I hate everything right now.  I hate me.  I hate my body.  I can't stand the sight of myself, which means I think everyone finds me repulsive.  I feel like I should be hidden away somewhere, under a rock or something.  I remember last year when I was told that someone was concerned w/ my weight and it clicked and I was hellbent on losing ... only to get sick and balloon up.  So you can imagine how I feel I am no longer worthy, that I should just step aside so that they no longer have to deal with me.  I know these are my feelings, but I feel like a tremendous embarrassment to my husband.  I don't want to embarrass him.  I don't want him to be ashamed of his whale of a wife.  I'm ashamed of me.  I have all these dresses that I want to wear but even now, I feel like I don't want to expose everyone to my plaster white legs that are swollen and gross and ... horrible.  Everything is seriously horrible.

There's that crap.  I am sick of being sick.  I'm sick of it!  Everyday I hope that I will feel NORMAL.  And, everyday I don't.  Even on days that start off OK, by the end of the day I want to go to bed and never get back up.  I get dizzy, the world feels off kilter, my nose bleeds, my lungs feel tight, my throat feels like it's closing, I cough and expect a lung to come flying out any moment, I have to look at my pee, I have to think about each and every tiny twinges of pain.  I have to stay away from people, back out of doing fun things, miss working out and .... the newest part of my life ... jamming needles into myself every week. 

Oh yea ... my medication was not working.  So, I switched over to injection style medicines.  Injections that I have to give to myself.  I could have Dan do it but I just muscled up and learned to do it myself.  I have at least 100 needles in my house but only 6 doses of the meds so I'll be visitng Kaiser a lot for that.  Oh, and a small funny anecdote for you.  I placed my needle in my sharps container along with the vial o' meds because it is chemotherapy and cannot be disposed of regularly.  When I saw how big the opening was in the container, I worried that the cat would knock it over and spill out the needle and meds.  So I put the lid on it.

Well ...

Once the lid goes on, it doesn't come off.  It creates this permanent seal ... so ... now I have a sharps container to turn in with all of 1 needle in it. 

I feel stupid.  I laughed, and then wanted to slam it against the wall and scream.  I have to go get another one.  Nice.  At least they weren't too expensive!!!!

Ah, life.  It's just such a pain in the rump sometimes. Especially right now.  I don't have the money to get out of town ... but I depserately want to.  I don't have the time to get out of town but I depserately want to.

And ... I feel a shift bid is in our future and dayshift won't be on it.  So, I'm stuck here on nights when I desperately want off of them for a variety of reasons.  Most of which is I am exhausted and feel worse at night.  I would much rather be at home in my comfy clothes while feeling like this.  But, that's just not in the cards for me.  The needs of the higher ups outweigh the needs of me.  It's how the cookie crumbles. 

So, to sum up this long rambly message.  I'm a sad puppy.  I really really feel sad.  Everything makes me sad.  I can't even hold onto the things that are good in my life.  I'm just so unbelievably sad.  I wear a mask with a smiley face on it every single day ...

It has to get better soon.