Monday, November 25, 2013

Adult Decisions, Adult Regrets?

One of my favorite things about being a grown up, is that I can make decisions for myself.  I don't have to get permission (although having the husband on board with said decisions helps) and I can decide to do things whenever the hell I feel like it.  At least there is some perk to this endless battle of responsibilities, right?

So ... I haven't exactly done anything for myself recently.  I don't count having my hair done.  Because I can just not do that.  Honestly, the hair doesn't help make this package look any better.  Anyway, everyone kept saying I needed to get away, go on a trip, do something nice for myself.  Alas, that never really happened.  So, I was thinking, and reading, and researching and I decided what I wanted to do.  So ... I did.

I decided I wanted to do something about my gas mileage.  I bought my 4-runner when children were still a possibility.  Right now, I have to think that they arent', because I can't plan for them.  I don't know what the future holds for my health.  I need to start living in the moment.  So, I decided to shop for a car that got better gas mileage.  I don't need an SUV.  It's usually just me and Loki in the vehicle anyway. 

I decided WHAT kind of car I wanted, and what year range.  I decided I wanted to go shopping this weekend.  I headed to the dealership to see if they had any 2010-2012 Acura TSXs. 

What did I get?

A 2014 Acura TSX.  Yes, I fell in LOVE with the brand new ones but I didn't even entertain the idea because I knew I couldn't afford a brand new one. 

However, I could afford to lease one.  Why would I lease a car?  Well, if you know me at all, you know that I start getting antsy for something different car-wise every couple of years.  It's a HORRIBLE habit, but what made it worse is that I would want to BUY a new car every few years.  So ... I did.

Since turning 20 I've had:

2000 Honda Civic SI (brand new)
1998 Ford Expedition
2003 Ford F250 (new)
2004 BMW 325i (brand new)
2005 Acura TL
2007 Toyota 4-Runner

So, I haven't bought a brand new car in almost 10 years.  I've been getting used ones, and because I keep rolling them over, my payments have always been pretty crappy. 

Now, I have a brand spanking new car.  I got behind the wheel of it last night and it had only 71 miles on it.  It smells like a wonderful new car and I am over the moon.


On the night of the purchase, I couldn't bring it home because it wasn't there.  I had to come home in a loaner while they tried to get it from another dealership.  I was very ... uneasy.  I felt like I chose wrong.  I felt like I shouldn't have done it.  But, that's the adult in me trying to talk myself out of it. 

Once I had the keys in my hand, once I got behind the wheel and drove my pretty car out on the roadway ... all those regrets faded away. 

This is for me.  This is what I did for myself.  I deal with sooooo much crap, people talking about how great they are, people screaming at me on the phone.  Being sick, cancer, trying to live my life with a life altering illness ... I deserved to do something for myself.

And I did. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Nerd Alert

I'll admit it.  I'm a nerd.  Not like a smart nerd, no pocket protector wearing, broken taped up glasses, pants that are too short stereo-typical nerd.  I'm a book nerd.  I love to read.  I enjoy reading so very much.  I love it. 

My dream would be to have a library in my house.  A room of books.  I only keep the books I would read again.  If I don't see myself wanting to read something again, it gets donated, or brought to work to put on our shelf here.  If I want it, I'll place it on my bookshelf.  There are some books I've read on my kindle, or borrowed someone's book and then marched out and bought a hard copy for myself.

Yes, I have certain books archived on my Kindle.  However, I want the book on my shelf.  I want to keep the Kindle space clear for books.  I LOVE books. 

Currently, I'm reading "A Song of Ice and Fire" series by George R. R. Martin.  You may know it as the Game of Thrones television show on HBO.  These are the books that was based off of.  Now, I read the first book before watching the 1st season, same with the second.  There are some minor changes, some tweaks to make it a season's worth of TV. The seasons would be very long if it followed the book.  I tried very hard to stop at the end of book two and not read ahead.

I can't help it.

It's my escape right now.  I drift off to a world with castles, kings, queens and dragons!!! I'm so tired of the Fairy Tale Princess story.  I love them, don't get me wrong, but this is a more accurate depiction of life back in those days.  

The books are just incredible.  I'm glad to know that the author is working on book 6 because I don't know what I will do when I get to the end of Book 5 and there isn't anoterh book to dive into.  Sure, I'll read something else but ... I'll be desperately waiting to get back into the fictional world of Westoros!!

I purchased the 5 books on my Kindle but, I will be purchasing the actual books to put on my trusty bookshelf.  I think I'd like to purchase the seasons on DVD too.  

Oh ... and my other total nerd-isms .... DOCTOR WHO!!!!!!!!  Ahhh, it's the 50th Anniversary of the start of Doctor Who.  There is a special on Saturday called The Day of the Doctor.  I went in and made sure it was recording.  I also noticed that all week on BBC it's like a Doctor Who extravaganza.  I am so excited.  If I ever need something to watch I can clip on BBC and be whisked away to another fantasy land. 

I'm not a big fan of real life at the moment so my nerdy fantasy-lands are the greatest place for me to be.  Real life just sucks sometimes.  Not completely, but it sucks. 

OK, I have to go back to being a nerd now.

Friday, November 15, 2013

And .... I am back.

Man, I let writing this every day really fall by the wayside.  Not even once a week?  Sheesh.  It isn't like I've been doing much of anything else that is keeping me from doing this.  I sit at a computer for ten plus hours a day, surely I can pound something out on the keyboard.  I even reworked my book idea and gave that a stab and was heavily motivated on that for like ... two days.    You can probably guess from that amount of work that it's not finished.  No, not even close. 

What is it that has me so blocked?  Besides the obvious. 

My guess?  The raging depression that's taken ahold of me, shutting down everything that I enjoy.  Except reading, I like reading.  Reading provides an escape.  It helps that I'm currently reading an amazing series.  "A Song of Ice and Fire" by George R.R. Martin.  You may also know it as the books that inspired the "Game of Thrones" series on HBO.   They are great books.  I love castles, dragons, kings and queens.  It's like I slip away to this wonderful fantasyland .... full of death and destruction.  Not that I fantasize about those things ... its' just what happens in the books.

I also have stayed away from writing here because I didn't want it to be a "woe is me" situation in every entry.  And, sadly, every day I can think of a woe is me scenario to gripe about.  It happens.  I'm a little fed up and mad with the world on just about everything at the moment.  I've never gotten as angry and annoyed at things as I do right now.  I find fault in everything and I'm realizing how many negative, toxic influences I have around me.  Their negativity is feeding mine and it's slowly drowning me.

It starts with constantly being reminded of my size/shape.  I'm not a pretty girl to begin with and now, I'm losing my hair and I weigh more than I ever have.  Honestly, do you think your comments are helping?  Give me a break for once ... I'm struggling with more than you could possibly wrap your mind around!

Then, after struggling with the outward appearance, there's the desire in my heart to make it look better.  After all, I'd be more accepted and welcomed if I wasn't looking like this right?  Well, I'd LOVE to ... but, my body runs the show right now.  Even when my brain and heart are like PLEASE, sometimes the old machine won't go.  And, I can't make it go.  As much as some people say I can ... NO.  I can't.  You don't have a single clue what this is like.  I can't. I want to.  Desperately want to, but when my lungs are tight, full of crap, wheezy, and the energy levels are gone?  No. It's not going to happen.   And, please, don't tell me you know what it's like to need to push yourself to get out of bed.  I would have thought the same thing myself only a short while ago.  I would have said "Oh I know how that is, but I just have to power through".  Well, now I know firsthand that I can't. 

There's a well written theory floating about.  It's called "Spoon Theory".  Why they chose spoons, I'll never know.  Basically, the premise is, you have a handful of spoons to use everyday, and every time you do a task whether it be showering, brushing your teeth, making your lunch, doing laundry, driving to work, working, etc.  Each and EVERY task, uses a spoon.   Some days, you have a whole dinner party worth of spoons.  Other days, you have 3 spoons.  What it means is ... each task uses up a spoon so.... if I did something that would be a two-three spooner, like working out (because when I do go, I work out HARD) ... I need to have those extra 2-3 spoons of energy to use.  If that doesn't exist?  I can't sacrifice other things like ... oh ... say ... MY JOB.  The job provides the money, the medical insurance, etc.  It does come before making this hideous body look better right now.

The idea of children pops up time and again.  Some cute lil nugget smiles at me, I hear stories of my friend's beautiful children, see their pictures on facebook and ... wow, there's a sharp pain through my heart that I'd never experienced before.  A few years ago, my husband and I talked about children and we said we'd LOVE to own our home before having them, it wasn't a requirement but it would be nice.  Well, not only did my husbands job get better, we have our home now.  A home that we could live in forever.  And ... now I can't have kids.  It's kind of messed up.    I know I'm only 33 (for now ... 34 is fast approaching) but I won't be able to even consider having my own children for two years.  That' puts me at almost 36.  Not that I'll be too old, it just will be harder.  And ... there is no guarantee that I will be allowed to even try at that point.  There's no guarantee that I'll be off my medications.

I have always considered adoption but, my husband won't even address that topic until my disease is under control.   I see his point.  It doesn't  mean I feel any happier about the situation.

Basically, I feel like I'm a caged animal at the moment.  I'm not allowed to really and truly LIVE.  I can't do the mud runs I came to love so much last year.  I gained all the weight I lost and some more for good measure.  I have to jam a needle in my stomach every week and feel blah ALL the time. 

I see why I am depressed.  I'm a passenger in my life, I'm not driving.  I have no control.  Life is flying by me now that I'm in my thirties.  I feel like it was only yesterday that I was still in my twenties and felt like my entire life was ahead of me.  I don't feel that way anymore.  I've made comments about not knowing if I would be here in so many years and people scoff at me.  Well, you aren't living with an incurable, life threatening illness with a mind of it's own.  Your entire world hasn't been spun around and now you have words like "incurable" "autoimmune" "chemo" "injection" "Pr-3/ANCA" "ALT" "Saddle nose" "CRP" "ESR" "hemoptysis" "lung function" "nasal rinse" "prednisone" "Zoloft" "PET Scan" "cavitary lesions".  You don't have to watch your pee.  I feel like I'm 80 when I'm not even to mid-life yet. 

I just want to feel like I did just about two years ago.  I just want to go back to how things used to be.  I really do ....