Sunday, December 22, 2013

Does it leave a mark?

** Warning:  I may or may not be whiny and emotional **

I just finished reading a book that had many zingers that hit too close to home for me.  The book was titled "The Fault in Our Stars".  The main character is a young girl in remission from thyroid cancer.  The other characters are either afflicted with cancer or their family.  It's all very close to home.   I am, after all, in remission from cancer. 

I have that other blasted disease that is being treated but ... is a sleeping dragon that could wake up, rain fire down upon my life and extract me from the world.  This could happen, it could not.  Life is a HUGE unknown for me.  I know, it's unknown to everyone but, there is a higher probability that the worst is more likely .... for me. 

Anyway, the book ... the book ends talking about the impact someone's life makes on the world.  Everyone wants to leave a mark.  Everyone wants to make changes and be this inspiring thing.  But, few of us are.  In fact, I know I'm not. 

I do not mean, in any way, to be self deprecating or to feel sorry for myself.  It's just, ... I'm kind of a background piece.  I'm a face in the crowd, I'm a peg filling a spot.  The hard truth is, if I walked out the door right now ... and never came back, the loss wouldn't be that substantial.   I don't have that much of an impact in any life.

I don't have children.  I don't have a whole lot of friends.  I don't have a huge family.  I probably couldn't even fill a few rows of seats for my own funeral.  It's just the truth.  I'm not beautiful.   I don't stand out in any way shape or form.  I am more of a doormat, someone that can be used to achieve some other sort of goal. 

Maybe that would be the impact losing me would have ... people would not have me to use?  No.  I'm not "being used".  I don't know.  Sometimes, I feel like suddenly I've become rather opague, people can see right through me. 

I've been thinking a lot about the potential end of my life.  Not that I am exactly in any great danger right this moment.  However, I come to work with an immune system that has presently been shut off.  I thought I made this abundantly clear to those around me.  Alas, I have not.

I cannot explain the anger that runs through me when I hear someone sniffling or coughing and then say "It's just a cold, I don't need to stay home"  or ... this one was a killer.  "I think I have the flu now" and they didn't go home.  No.  They stayed in here, in this recycled air room ... near me. 

I don't wave my disease around like a banner, but perhaps I should.  WTF! Is it not clear?  Someone with my condition, in remission, DIED because they caught an illness from someone.  This is the extreme worse case scenario.  But, it's always in my peripheral.  I CAN'T just casually get the flu or a cold.  I can't just laugh it off like nothing. 

I can't even change my effin' cat box because of what's going on in my body.  I can't just go shopping and touch things and then rub my eyes.  Nope.  Wash my hands, rub Purell on them.  People may be germaphobes out there but they aren't trying to save their life. 

People coming in here sick really makes me feel like I mean nothing.  I explained what was wrong with me and ... people ignored it. 

I have to listen day in and day out to everyone's problems, every day.  But, no one ever seems to notice mine.  No one notices that I CAN'T do things that they can.  I am on restriction from EVERYTHING because I am NOT GETTING BETTER!

Thankfully, I'm not getting worse, but I am definitely not getting better.  I'd give absolutely anything to have the sort of normal-ish existence that other people have.  I really would.  I would give anything to only have to push through being tired to get up and do things.  I would give anything to be able to look ahead towards the future and think that it might happen. 

Instead, I feel like I am looking forward at a dark hole ... the end of the line ... to nothing.  I don't want to be this whiny, crybaby, who is sick, poor me, wah wah wah ... but, I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I don't want to leave the world, I don't want to be done.  I don't want the lights to go out and everything be over.

I don't want the disappear.  I don't want to be forgotten. 

My life, it won't leave a mark.  Not even a blip on the radar.  

It doesn't mean I'm ready to go. 


  1. you need to talk to a professional. You are leaving marks all over, and you have no idea who you touch. Read the book after Tuesdays with Morrie - I think its called something like The People you meet in Heaven. You talk to suffering people - some of them will remember you. You have been kind; you are an example of all kinds of things, eg - carrying on when you are suffering. The point I'm trying to make is: we don't know how or when we affect people; we are not supposed to know.
    Also, you don't have, and never will have a normal life. Acceptance - read about it - does not mean liking - it means facing & dealing.
    Yes, I am qualified to talk: my husband became seriously handicapped 3 months after we were married. Now, 22 years later, he is better, but it has taken that long. And I have become handicapped by severe arthritis in the last 5 years, and am having to make massive adjustments. Acceptance does not mean liking. It means facing.
    I was a police dispatcher for 23 years, and took early retirement before it killed me, and also to look after my husband.
    You have touched me, and the people I have talked to about you - and I am thousands of miles away & decades older.

  2. Thank you, whomever you are. I have been having some difficulty getting to the acceptance portion of all of this. I know I'll get there!
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I was sitting here trying to think who you were in this room with me. I forget that this is posted for all the world to see. Thank you for the impact your words are having on me.

  3. Nikki I think you'd be suprised. You may not feel like you're leaving a mark, but you are. Every single person you touch. At work, at home, doing errands. You are a beautiful person inside a& out. It pains me to see you so sad. And I'll apologize now because I am one of those people who will still go to work with a cold. Flu I will stay home. I feel grateful that my new department when I do have to call in sick (which is rare) I am not made to feel guilty.
    Nikki, you are loved, you are making a mark.Regardless of when it happens, you will not just disappear. You will not be forgotten.