Recently, I've been coming more to grips with what is going on with me and ... I realize that I'm more important than I have been treated. Sure, you want to come to work and cough your germs all over the place ... because you're in your selfish bubble and don't realize that I actually have health problems that could be adversely affected by you. I know you don't know this because you are too caught up in reminding everyone about yours ... which sorry ... mine are life threatening in nature so I should be talking about them instead of having to listen to yours.
Perhaps, I should become a total bitch about it. Perhaps I should remind people what risk factors there are to me getting a bad chest cold, or a flu. Nothing bad could happen or ... something terrible could happen. My body won't fight infection the way yours does. So, if I get one, it would mean something different to me than it would to you. I wouldn't come in here with anything awful and I expect you to give me the same level of respect.
Of course, those people that are reading this are not the YOU that this is referencing. It's just me wishing I could say all these things to these people without it becoming some huge harassment. Yes, that is the world I live in, standing up for myself could get me in trouble ... doesn't seem right, but ... that's how it is.
Anyway, I've started to cut back a little on my hours. Yes, I have. I will NOT be working past 9 PM on Fridays or Saturdays because the environment in my place of employment is not a healthy one. Absolutely not. It stresses me out and I just don't need any extra stress. So ... I've dumped all my hours past 1am. And ... I may be swapping a couple days a week with a dayshifter so that I may have 5 days of regular sleep and only 2 days of nights. I am immensely excited about this prospect!!!!!!!
I am worth more than what I am right now. I'm worth more than just being a doormat for people. I'm worth more than just being a person filling a position in a job. I am a person with dreams and aspirations, I have a life outside of here that I miss when I am here. I have SO much going on in my head, a constant battle about my health and money and all this.
I am going to stick to my guns on my new rules. I've posted the couple 03-05am shifts that I picked up for some reason. I can't do that and I know it. So ... hopefully someone will take them because I absolutely cannot work that late. I can't.
My disease is not getting any better. I don't mention it to people, I really try not to talk about it because no one wants to hear it. But, it's true. I've been feeling worse every day but I keep a smile plastered on my face and try to keep moving. I don't want to bother anyone with it. I don't want to annoy people about it but .. it's true.
I'm sick. I feel dizzy and off and nauseous EVERY day. I smile and laugh to cover up the fact that I wish I was at home curled up on the couch. I'm miserable on the inside but I don't need to bother everyone with it so I keep it hidden.
Yes, I look and act like everything is good. I don't want to be a whiner. But, please don't even think to utter those horrible words "You look like you feel better" ... because you have NO idea what I go through every day.
I'm putting myself first from here on out. With my husband, with my friends, with my co-workers. I come first. I am living in this body. I am in control.
I'm worth more than how I have been treated. It's time to take charge.