I'm worth more than this.

Recently, I've been coming more to grips with what is going on with me and ... I realize that I'm more important than I have been treated.  Sure, you want to come to work and cough your germs all over the place ... because you're in your selfish bubble and don't realize that I actually have health problems that could be adversely affected by you.  I know you don't know this because you are too caught up in reminding everyone about yours ... which sorry ... mine are life threatening in nature so I should be talking about them instead of having to listen to yours.

Perhaps, I should become a total bitch about it.  Perhaps I should remind people what risk factors there are to me getting a bad chest cold, or a flu.  Nothing bad could happen or ... something terrible could happen.  My body won't fight infection the way yours does.  So, if I get one, it would mean something different to me than it would to you.  I wouldn't come in here with anything awful and I expect you to give me the same level of respect. 

Of course, those people that are reading this are not the YOU that this is referencing.  It's just me wishing I could say all these things to these people without it becoming some huge harassment.    Yes, that is the world I live in, standing up for myself could get me in trouble ... doesn't seem right, but ... that's how it is. 

Anyway, I've started to cut back a little on my hours.  Yes, I have.  I will NOT be working past 9 PM on Fridays or Saturdays because the environment in my place of employment is not a healthy one.  Absolutely not.  It stresses me out and I just don't need any extra stress.  So ... I've dumped all my hours past 1am.  And ... I may be swapping a couple days a week with a dayshifter so that I may have 5 days of regular sleep and only 2 days of nights. I am immensely excited about this prospect!!!!!!!

I am worth more than what I am right now.  I'm worth more than just being a doormat for people.  I'm worth more than just being a person filling a position in a job.  I am a person with dreams and aspirations, I have a life outside of here that I miss when I am here.  I have SO much going on in my head, a constant battle about my health and money and all this. 

I am going to stick to my guns on my new rules.  I've posted the couple 03-05am shifts that I picked up for some reason.  I can't do that and I know it.  So ... hopefully someone will take them because I absolutely cannot work that late.  I can't. 

My disease is not getting any better.  I don't mention it to people, I really try not to talk about it because no one wants to hear it.  But, it's true.  I've been feeling worse every day but I keep a smile plastered on my face and try to keep moving.  I don't want to bother anyone with it. I don't want to annoy people about it but .. it's true. 

I'm sick.  I feel dizzy and off and nauseous EVERY day.  I smile and laugh to cover up the fact that I wish I was at home curled up on the couch.  I'm miserable on the inside but I don't need to bother everyone with it so I keep it hidden.

Yes, I look and act like everything is good.  I don't want to be a whiner.  But, please don't even think to utter those horrible words "You look like you feel better" ... because you have NO idea what I go through every day.

I'm putting myself first from here on out.  With my husband, with my friends, with my co-workers.  I come first.  I am living in this body.  I am in control. 

I'm worth more than how I have been treated.  It's time to take charge.