Friday, January 31, 2014

Choking on my humble pie

I'm not a rockstar in any sense of the word.  I'm not a superhero. I am not some fantastic excellent person who stands above everyone with greatness.  I'll never be nominated for the Nobel Price or whatever.  But, I've prided myself on being a certain way for a very long time.  I operated on a different set of rules than people around me.

Not anymore.

I've tried.  I've pushed and pulled myself through regular life, even though I should have paid attention to certain limitations that I now had.  Earlier, I blogged about how I was handing in my cape and that I couldn't be a superhero anymore.  Well, it's gotten even more worse than that.

I can't even be a lesser version of me right now. 

I feel like this disease is ruining everything.  I know what it's ruining in my own personal bubble but it's also destroying the dreams of my spouse, and messing up the lives of the people around me. 

That's just fantastic news. 

Really.  I love ruining everyone's life.  (No, not really, that's sarcasm people.)

If I take a step outside my determination to live as I always have ... and look out at the big picture, there's a very startling point that I've been ignoring. 

Death.

Yup.  The ol' pal that came onto my radar at the beginning of last year.  No, I'm not 'terminal' but ... I have a very serious condition that just happens to be caught in the early stages.  My fear comes from the fact that I still to this day have yet to feel better and ... I feel worse and worse every day.  I honestly feel like I am tumbling backwards down the hill that I fought so hard to climb up. 

I make myself walk every day.  I make myself come to work when I'd rather curl up in a ball in bed and sleep.  My body craves sleep more than I can explain to you.  You wouldn't understand even if I could find the words.   But, I don't.  I get up.  I move.  I keep hoping that the daily walks, the fresh air, the good feeling of moving my body will help ... and then every evening it comes crashing down upon me like a crumbling brick house. 

Honestly, this scares me.  It scares me that every day I feel worse because I don't know what it means.  It's a disease of many faces.  It presents itself differently in different people.  I don't know if it's going to rear up and fight back against my medications, tossing my ass into the hospital or worse.  I don't know.

Not knowing what's going to happen is the scariest thing on the planet.  I think I am in control and am constantly, daily, hourly, reminded that I have absolutely no control.  I've been doing really well avoiding getting the germs floating around dispatch.  But, I think they've caught up to me.  Today I feel worse than I have in months.  I keep having a small dizzy spell where everything feels a bit lopsided, or does one whirl around me.   My ears hurt, my throat hurts, my eyes are on fire, and I have that stupid headache when you are getting a cold.  You know the one.

What does that mean for me?  No idea.  It's not like I can just stay home for a week and rest.  I do have a vacation this month.  If I can just get to that week and a half I will spend my days walking, and then resting resting resting because I don't want to die.

Yes.  I can die.  I can die from this.  It's not a cold or the flu.  It's not indigestion.  Roll your eyes all you want and THINK you know what is wrong, but you don't.  Get irritated with changes that may be made on my behalf because ... well ... I could die.  That's right ... I'll either be here or I won't be alive at all.  Because that's a reality I could face.  I don't fear that in the very immediate future because I feel like I'm still in a position of doctors coming up with the right cocktail for me.  But, if things get worse, that's something I need to take into consideration.

Have you ever had to stop and think about that? 

Ugh.  I hate that my life has been reduced to this but, it is what it is.  It's time that I start accepting that I will not chase my dreams, I'll ruin the dreams of those around me and ... I could end up in a mahogany box ... just a memory.

OK, I'm being especially morbid but ... I don't want to ruin anyone's life anymore.  I don't.  I don't want this.  I want things to go back to the way they were before. 

I don't want to be broken. 

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