Sunday, January 5, 2014

I'm handing in my cape

This has been a tough day. It's been a day of deep thoughts, hard conversations and ... A slap in the face reality check. 
It's time for me to be an adult. In 9 days, I turn 34. Really? That's like, my mid-thirties. That's like serious grownupness. When I was a kid, 34 was old! I don't think that now. 34 is the new 24, right? Anyway, I'm very much a grown woman and, quite frankly, I haven't much been acting like one. 
I need to face reality. Reality is all around me, all the time.  I'm not well. I feel it every day. I want to lie in bed and sleep the days away but, I pull myself up, head off to work 12-14-16i hour days in a very high stress environment. I feel a physical change in my body while I am there. And, a lot of the time, it makes me feel worse. 
I was cleared to go back to work and hit the ground running. I had felt like a major burden in the beginning of the year being off, calling in sick and was bound and determined to not be a burden. I wanted to fall right back into the role of smiley workhorse, always reliable, always there to work.  I could feel my body rejecting this notion with everything it had, but I kept going anyway.
When all the crappy feelings started to get worse and I found myself at the doctor being told my disease was "smoldering" I felt sick. Emotionally so. Shouldn't I be in remission at 4 months in? Cancer is in remission. Wegeners won't let go! I pictured in my head a forest fire that was now smoldering. My body is a pit of glowing embers. Right now? I have one solitary fireman spraying water on a giant forest of embers, That's my medication. The other fireman? Sleep, rest, mental health breaks, fresh air, walks outside, healthy diet? They've not been called to the scene. 
If I allow this one fireman to fight it alone? I could end up with a fire that is out of control and be in a far worse situation than I am.
So, changes have been set in motion to allow these other fireman to join in the fight.  These changes mean some other decisions needed to be made about my job, about our bills, about everything.  I found myself crying very hard today about things.
I have tried to please everyone. I have tried to keep everyone else happy and unburdened by my disease. Where did that get me?
People don't believe there is anything wrong with me, and I'm not getting better.
Why are they more important than my life? My life is what happens when I am NOT at work. And, I'm too sick and miserable to enjoy anything when I'm not forcing a smile on my face to make everyone else around me happy.  It's exhausting and I can't do it.
I'm sick. 
I have a major disease.
I have cancer too for crying out loud! 
It's time to put me first. It's time to think of me before ANYONE else. 
I don't want to die. I sure as hell don't want to die living for everyone else. 
It's a giant leap but, I'd rather jump and make it to the other side than be pushed and fall into oblivion.
This is my life. I'd like to be alive to live it.

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