Monday, January 13, 2014

On the brink ...

Tonight I stand on the edge of a cliff.  One more step and I will leap from this cliff to the next platform in front of me.  I will turn a new corner.  I will embark on a new chapter.  I will climb a new mountain.  I will ...

Ok, that's enough metaphors.

Today is my last day of being 33.  33 sucked.  The year started shitty, continued shitty ... and even though there were some tiny pieces of shiny glitter in the shit, it was still shitty.  Sorry for all my bad language.  To sum up, I was not a fan of being 33.  Cancer, Wegener's, Hashimoto's, radiation, surgery, biopsies, medications, weight gain, injections, IVs, pills, antidepressants, a team of specialists, a whole new vocabulary.  That is what I feel like sums up my year of being 33.  My great birthday gift from the universe was that I would now be this sick girl.  I hate it.  I hate everything about it.  I hate what my life has become.

So ... tomorrow?  I wake up 34.  I will be in my mid-30s.  Will I suddenly be cancer, Wegener's and Hashimoto's free?  No.  But, at least this year I already have them and I can look ahead that there is hope that being 34 will be better than 33 was.  I'm eating better.  I haven't had soda in 40 days.  No processed or added sugar? 8 days.   I can say I already don't crave sweets.  There has been a massive carrot cake in dispatch that everyone is raving about.  Nope, haven't even had a nibble.

I am not where I wanted to be at this birthday.  Hell, I figured I would have been at my goal weight for my 33rd birthday and then some.  Heh ... no, I get to start ALL over again with some extra weight on top of that.  But, you know what?  It's not important.  I need to focus on my health.  My health.  Being alive.  Being ABOVE ground.  SO I'm fat ... get over it.

I want to have a good year.  I want to.  But, I'm leery.  I still feel shitty.  I'm on high alert from the deadly flu virus and the fact that people just "try to power through" and come to work while being very ill.  Hey thanks for putting my life at risk, I really appreciate it.  I'll send you the bill when I can't make my house and car payments because I'm in the hospital.  I can't feel better yet.  This depresses the hell out of me.  I try ... but ... every day is the same ol' crap. 

Maybe when I turn 35 I'll be in a better spot. 

However, ... for now ... 33 is over and I face 34 feeling a little bit hopeful.

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