Monday, February 10, 2014

Everest

"Mt. Everest is obvious to climb because it's there, it's a mountain.  But personal Everests, you can't see them, and the journey to the top of the mountain and back down is frought with hazards and no one can see them but you."  - Tom Hardy

Anyone who knows me, knows I have an unhealthy obsession with the actor, Tom Hardy.  Well, I wouldn't call it unhealthy.  He's a brilliant actor and he's drop-dead gorgeous.  Quite literally ... gorgeous.  Go on, see for yourself.  I'll wait .....

He's my mulligan.  The only one on my list.  You know the list, the list of celebrities it would be OK to sleep with if you're married/spoken for, etc.  It's a thing ... at least here in America.  The reasons it's OK to have a list because there is NO WAY in a million years these things would actually happen.  But, hubby knows, if Tom Hardy came knocking on my door I'd be gone with him in a heartbeat.  Peace out California!  I'm moving to London.  haha.  Anyway, I have one person on my list and it's him.  He is the list.

Anyway, I didn't come here to write about how wonderful, amazing and talented Mr. Hardy is.  No.  I came here because of something he said in an interview. 

There is a YouTube clip I found of Tom Hardy and Kenny Ross sitting down and talking.  It was about the Prince's Trust, a drug/alcohol rehabilitation program.  During the clip, Tom says the exact quote I printed above about Mt. Everest. 

His words hit home.  It was the first part of the video where I stopped drooling and day dreaming about those blue-green eyes and really HEARD what he said.  It spoke volumes to me.  If only I can begin to make you comprehend what those words meant to me.

I have my own personal Mt. Everest.   I have cancer, two autoimmune diseases, and a bout of depression.  Before all this sickness came into my life, I was trying to lose weight after being a dumb teenager and even stupider adult.  For the first time, I was feeling good and happy.  I was losing weight, gaining strength and doing this all the right way.  No fad diets, crash diets, pills or anything else other than eating right and exercising.  And then?  It all came crashing to a halt. 

It felt to me like someone took my world and flipped it on it's head.  For awhile, I spent time wondering what I had done in my life to be so horribly punished.  I questioned everything in my past.  I reevaluated every action I did every single day.   

So I have this shit.  It's not going away.  I'm just under one year of cancer remission which is a positive thing but ... the rest of the garbage remains.  I have yet to make my Wegener's sit down and shut up, and the Hashimoto's isn't helping.  Depression?  Well, it kind of goes hand in hand with everything listed above. 

So now, I stand at the base of my own personal Mt. Everest.  OK, since the cancer is in my rear view mirror right now, maybe I've already started climbing a little.  I gained weight at the beginning of this, adding to what was already there, I've found 40 lbs I never wanted to have.  I weighed more than I EVER EVER EVER want to see again.   This didn't help my continued journey to the top of my metaphorical mountain.

But, I've geared up for the next leg.  I haven't had a single drop of soda for two months and I was a soda junkie.  No, I am not making light of a name used for drug addicts.  I was a junkie.  I think I replaced the blood content of my body with sugary soda pop.  But, now I am at day 67, no soda.  I'm well on my way to 3 months.  I had sugar pretty cut out for a week and since my birthday have been struggling ever since.

Today is day 2, no sugar instead of fruit.  Once I get to 30 days of no sugar, I'll cut out the bread/pasta gluten shit.  After that?  I tackle dairy.   These are little obstacles on my way up that I can easily overcome.  These are not the major hazards along the way.    Those are just things I am trying to do to help with my journey.

I wish I could meet Mr. Hardy, more than just for how good looking he is.  I wish I could meet him and thank him for what he said.  I want to thank him for putting exactly what I am going through into words.  It's my personal fight.  It's my own journey, and there are things that are going to come at me and try to throw me off the mountain.  Only I can get through them, because only I am the one that can see them. 

Thank you, Tom Hardy.  Thank you for doing that interview.  Thank you for putting yourself out there in all you've had to overcome in life.  Thank you for doing what you do, making great movies (one of which became one of my all-time favorites) and being a positive role model to others who may have been in your position.   Your words meant more to me than I think I can ever properly explain. 
 
Since I won't ever meet you, saying this in my blog will just have to do.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Sometimes it feels like there isn't another soul on this planet who understands what I'm feeling ever day and then ... then I saw that interview.

To be honest, I've watched it every morning, just so that I can hear that quote, so I can be reminded that everyone has something they have to get through.  Even people as wonderful as you.  It helps me get motivated to do what I need to do.

I've lost 7 of those 40 extra pounds.  Yes, I have more than 40 to lose, but I'm only focusing on what this illness has given me.  Once I overcome that ... I'll feel like I can do anything. 

Thank you.  Even if you never hear this ... Thank you. 

-One of your biggest fans on the planet,
Nicole Grace

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