Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Just Say No

If I ever find myself looking forward to taking a vacation, remind me not to do it.  Trust me, I may fight and scream and protest but it will be for my own good.  Why?  Because vacation and I don't seem to get along.  
I picked my 4 weeks of vacation during sign ups this year on a whim.  My husband doesn't have the kind of job where he plans vacations because they don't get vacation time.  So, I figured I'd pick my weeks, if he was between projects we could do something.  Or just hang out.  It didn't matter.  Anyway, after signing up for said projects, I changed up my shift to be a modified split shift of two night shifts and two day shifts.  I cancelled all but one of my vacations because February was almost upon us and the vacation had already been posted and signed up for.  I figured I could relax, work out, walk, clean house and just NOT be at work.  The last time I was off for any particular amount of time was for Cancer treatment.  So, I was looking forward to a real vacation. 
HA!  I should have known. 
February 2012, I took my February vacation ... and got a very bad cold/sinus infection which didn't go away until August-ish.  Then, came back with a vengeance in December.  Little did anyone know that was the initial flare up of my Wegener's.  
February 2013, I had surgery at the beginning of the month but kept my February vacation because I felt dreadful.  So I spent my vacation being a blob at the house. 
February 2014, Bronchitis, head cold ... no voice, horrific cough, fevers, fatigue.  

What do I deduce from all this? 

Vacation and I don't get along.   Perhaps, I should learn from this and NOT TAKE THEM!  I seem to do OK with the occasional long weekend, a random day off here and there but any long stretch of days off in a row results in some sort of illness. 

Last night I went back and forth on whether or not to call 911 for an ambulance ride to the hospital.  I was nauseous, my chest hurt, I kept coughing, I had a mild fever.  I was home alone.  It wasn't pretty.  But, I managed to stay home and feel alright. 

Today I can't stop coughing and it hurts SO bad.  

Today is our anniversary in which normally we go to Bodega Bay for the night.  We've done this every year since we got married.  We can't really afford it this year.  We bought the house, with the massive payment.  And, then we had to do so many repairs ... it's just not in the budget.  So ... we won't be going.  It's sad to me.  I love that one night getaway so much and I cannot begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to the big bathtub and the hot tub.  Especially right now with my congestion.  Also the heat would be wonderful on my body.  

Even being sick we went the last two years.  I remember getting a massage in 2012 and being congested.  I was snotty all over the place.  Nice image, eh?  Well, it's true.   But, the massage was wonderful. 

Last year, I had just received the cancer news and received an emailed copy of my bone marrow biopsy results so ... I think my mind needed to escape just a little bit. 

I think I still need a mental escape.  To most of you, you probably don't understand why I want to go away.  My husband doesn't.  He doesn't look forward to going away anymore, he says.  He is happy to own a home, he is happy to work on the home and that is how he wants to spend his time.  Well, for me ... home is kind of like my hospital room all the time.  I am here, I am sick.  I am taking medication.  I do dishes, I do laundry, I sweep, I vacuum, I cook ... wash, rinse, repeat.  When you're sick like me ... there's not much in the world to look forward to.  I see the same things every day, I hear the same things.  I work in an extreme stress environment ... an  extreme stress NEGATIVE environment.  

So, naturally, I'd want to step outside my usual life for a day or two.  Different scenery, different air, different rooms, different buildings.  A break from the routine of my life.  

I feel like since I got sick that was taken away from me.  I haven't gone away since I was diagnosed.  I haven't had an escape from this.  I haven't had a chance to NOT think about it.  Its in everything I do here at home ... and just for a weekend I'd like to not be at home.  I'd like to not be in my life, my routine, my sickness. 

I say weekend because I've learned I shouldn't take off any longer than that.  Remember the beginning of this when I talk about vacation means feeling like ass?  Yea.  So ... hopefully someday soon, I can go away for a weekend.  Get away and see something different for once.   I miss that.  I miss even the short day trips, just to get away from this for awhile.   I NEED to get away from this!!!! 

Maybe next year.  Maybe someday.  

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