Monday, February 3, 2014

Ouch, that hurts

I think my brain needs a vacation.  It overanalyzes EVERYTHING.  Well, my body needs a vacation too but, it's my brain and imagination and thought processes that gets derailed and ends up sending me into a pit of despair! (cue Princess Bride scene ...)

I really really try not to think so much about what I CAN'T do.  It may not seem like it to those around me, but I spend a lot of time talking myself out of being in the "poor me" mode.  Which, quite honestly, I shouldn't have to.  I need to have a few poor me moments.  I'm entitled to it, I think.  No.  Probably not. 

I don't know.

What I mean is, sometimes, I'll see/hear something that either sends me thinking about what I am being denied in  my life right now, or ... something that inspires me to lock myself in a room and write my book for hours on end. 

It could be something small, everyone banding together to do a half marathon.  I am proud of all their accomplishments.  It makes me want to have some sort of accomplishment.  And by that, I don't mean getting out of bed without feeling sick, or ... going a whole day without the world whirling around me, ignoring the fatigue that pulls me down, stopping myself from hurling.  No.  Those aren't accomplishments.  Not to anyone else. 

Yes, I walk 3 miles a day pretty much.  Yay me, right?  No.  Because right when I feel good about that, I'm reminded that others "RUN" more than that.  So, what I do isn't anything to be proud of. 

Another instance was earlier tonight, I was picking up dinner for the night crew and saw a man in a suit, sitting at a table with his little boy.  They were each munching on their burgers.  The little boys legs swung back and forth under the chair, he gazed up at his dad in a way only children do when they think their parent is THE coolest thing in the Universe. 

Where do you think that sent me?  Surprisingly, multiple locations!  I was saddened, wondering where Mom was.  Then I was warmed wondering if it was just a father/son special occasion.  Then, I remembered a little boy who I love very much (my husband) not getting to have those special moments with his father.  Then ... of course, I remembered my Dad taking me to see "The Land Before Time" just the two of us.  I can see that moment SO vividly in my mind even though I was 8 years old and it was 26 years ago.   Of course, that just made me miss the man who shaped how I loved.  And then ... then I remembered that I may not get to have children.  I may not get to send my child off on a date with his/her father. 

See what's going on with my mind?  I thought all those things in a matter of seconds. 

Thinking on that last one rips me up. 

I LOVE seeing the children on Facebook, kids of my friends, kids of long distance acquaintances.  I love watching them grow, reading the anecdotes of their lives.  Yet, it is like pouring salt in a wound every day.   Will I ever get to share cute photos of my own children? 

Not any time soon, I can tell you that.   I already feel bad enough for my dog that I can't give him ALL the attention he deserves.  Although, our long walks help him just as they help me. 

My heart hurts.  It hurts for everything that has changed in my life, it hurts for the future that has been altered beyond repair, it hurts for the door that was slammed in my face recently when I asked for help, it hurts for my missing parents whom I would give the world to talk to, it hurts for the life that I've lost, it hurts for the life I won't be bringing into this world.

I wish my brain didn't work so well, like the rest of my body.  It would keep me from thinking all these things that make my heart ache.

Alas, I guess this is all part of being alive. 

The pain.

If that means I'm still capable of feeling emotion ... then I'll take it. 

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