It's most definitely me.
My getaway worked ... and yet it didn't. Mentally, it was wonderful to step away for a few days. I enjoyed myself immensely while I was away. However, while I was walking back up to my room on the last night, my chest seized up and I had an unbelievable urge to cry. It threw me. I knew I was coming back to work ....
and I didn't want to.
I thought of all the things that upset me about coming back to work, all of the things I didn't want to deal with ... but, then I figured something out. It was like this dawning, defining "A-Ha" moment.
I've learned that I need to work on how I handle certain environmental things. If people want to be dramatic, lie, be lazy, do something half-assed ... that's on them. I can't let it bother me because ... it's obvious that my opinion, my health, my life doesn't really matter. OK, that sounds incredibly dramatic ... I'm just saying, in this day and age, "me" comes before "us". In most cases, this should be the case. We should always consider what effect things are going to have on ourselves however ... that shouldn't be at the detriment of the rest of the world.
I realized that people won't change. They are set in their ways, and they don't think there is a problem. I noticed that the problem I am having lies within me. I am the one not able to deal with the idiosyncrasies of the different people I am around. I am only in charge of myself and my health and well being.
That being said, I need to put on blinders, I need to wear ear muffs. I need to focus solely on what is good for me and what is good for my environment. I will do my training to the best of my ability to help new people get strong legs beneath them, I will do my job to the best of my ability so that I know when I leave at night I did all that I could and was required to do. I will take care of my lifestyle for myself. I don't need to mention it in here 10,000 times so that the people around me give me some sort of validation about what I am doing.
Everything that I will be doing is for me. I'm the one who could die. I'm the one who could be very sick and taken out of work. I'm the one who has to deal with side effects from nasty medications, with feeling lethargic and out of sorts, with trying to swim against the current every single day of my life. It's me, it's my problem.
I will also keep it to myself. I don't need to talk about it unless I'm asked. I don't need people to be reminded over and over again that I am sick. I don't. Why? Because I can't stand when I hear that stuff around me. So, if something is bothering me ... I shouldn't do it to everyone else ... and I am not going to.
The resolution starts with me. IF something is bothering me ... I need to change it, not expect someone to change it for me. I will face my obstacles head on, by myself, because it is me that has to get over them, not me and an army. It all comes back to how I allow people to affect my mood, my day, my weeks and my life. I'm in charge, right?
Maybe the get away allowed me to come to see that I am in charge. I stepped outside of my routine and looked at it with disdain. I let people bowl me over, I let people get on my nerves, I let their actions drive me up a nearby wall. I let them do this. If people want to act like complete snots and behave like they hung the moon ... so be it. I won't pay attention to it and I won't let it bother me.
I have bigger issues to face ... things some people I know couldn't handle. And, that's fine. After all, apparently God picked me to fight this battle because he figured I could. And, on the days that I don't feel I can ... I'm allowed to cry about it. Why? Because it's a life or death battle and ... that's definitely something to cry about. Lord knows I've seen enough tears over a lot less in my lifetime. Hence, I shed my own ridiculous tears every now and then.
I want to scream to the world ... this isn't about you. Life is not always about you. This is about me, my issues, my life, my battle, my world. What I'm doing is for me, to help me, for me. I don't really give a flip what you do ... as long as it doesn't negatively affect me in anyway, have at it!!!!
Thank you to my husband for yanking me out of town, for getting me out of this headspace and into a spot where I could see what the real problem was. It's me. And, because it's me ... it's no one's responsibility but my own to take care of the issue.
Man, do I have a LOT of work to do.