Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Road Block

I'm stuck in a rut. No amount of turning the steering wheel or flooring the engine seems to be getting me out of it. I'm trapped in this funk, this immense sadness and I can't escape.

When I step back and look at the big picture I'm angry with myself for having this "woe is me" moment. But, the fact remains that I am and it is currently too heavy to lift off myself.

I want to live a normal life and every day I wake hoping that this will be the day that things are normal.  Maybe I'm setting myself up for constant disappointment but, that's what happens.  I long for a day that I don't feel like shit. I long for a day when I can not be defined by what's happening to me.  I long to be just a regular person, healthy as a horse like I used to be. I want regular hopes and drama like a fun vacation or even kids. I want that. I don't want this.

I feel like the universe is conspiring against me. It knocks me down, I get up and dust myself off only to be knocked back down again. I keep getting up but I never have the chance to get out of the way of the swinging pendulum that's gonna knock me on my ass again. 

I don't know what I did to piss off the universe or why it is targeting me. Am I being prepped for something bigger? Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I could list million metaphors for how I feel right now.  They would all mean one thing. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I'd be a glowing patient, a rock star person who faced this head on and with a bright smile if I actually got to be just that. But, I have to keep going at 150 mph to stay ahead of my godforsaken bills. I can't sit here and give 100% to my health when I owe so much money. This house had SO many problems to be fixed ... My health required SO many improvements on top of that. Then, there's the stupid frivolous stuff. That I take partial blame for. But, that's the small portion. Those bills stare at me, calling to me from the box where I place them til they get paid every month.  Those bills that propel me forward and require me to run at full speed whenever I can.

Except ... When I can't. When part of my body swells up and threatens to harm me, when they cut it out and tell me I have to be off work 1-3 weeks. When work says I need a note that says I can come back. That choice is taken out of my hands ... And I'm left sitting here, helpless and stressed out. 

I'm usually a happy person. I like to smile and laugh. I just don't know if I am happy anymore. No, I know I'm not. I'm angry and upset and confused. I was always taught to be a selfless and giving person. I've given 200%. For what? 

I'm trying to keep this depression from swallowing me whole. It's just that thing I mentioned earlier. I pull myself up and before I can smile again, I'm back on the ground.

Will I ever get out of this?

1 comment:

  1. I know the feeling! It doesn't seem to end does it? The most frustrating part is that there's no END. It's just constantly having to battle. You do get to have moments of self pity. Then you have to dust yourself off and figure out a way to move forward. Feel better soon!