Sunday, March 23, 2014

Runaway Buggy

I get to get out of town. 

Just a quick lil getaway, over the mountain to my favorite spa hotel in Reno. I plan to soak in a giant bath tub, read, sit by the pool (beached whale anyone?), lay in the fluffy bed, play a tiny bit of Pai Gow Poker (while using liberal amounts of Purell), and most of all, try to get ahold of my out of control life.

It's amazing how quickly things can get out of hand.  

When I started to get sick, I had my full focus on getting a bottle of pills, knocking them back and getting on with my life.  Instead I lost a gland in my neck, had teeny pieces of tissue ripped out of my lungs, and a screwdriver jammed into my pelvis. 

I started to lose the upper hand when the  word cancer was dropped in my lap. Then the other two whoppers. 

It was like ... I fell out of the buggy while the horses were running full speed. I got up and ran as hard and as fast as I could after the buggy. For the most part, I was able to keep up. I ran alongside but wasn't quite able to hoist myself back inside.

But then, I tripped and fell. The buggy pulled away and as hard as I tried, there was no catching up.

Recently, I stopped trying to catch up. I sat down, watching everything barrel out of control and getting further and further out of my hands.

How was that for a crazy analogy? 

My mind has been all over the place in the last few weeks. I'm mad at the world.  I'm bitter at the unfairness of things. I'm sad for the things I've lost during all this. I then get mad at myself for having a pity party. I am stressed out because of the extra burden that this illness has brought into my world: paying for a water filtration system, heating for the house, having to fix all that was found upon starting to get the heat put in.   Missing work for radiation, missing work for emergency surgery, having to skip things I love during flu season because of my dead immune system. 

I've been on a roller coaster since February 2012. I've been dying to just get away and decompress since December 2012. I have needed to not go through the same motions everyday. Get up, take pills, shoot nasty yellow chemo drugs into my stomach, grocery shop, do dishes, go to work, come home, wash, rinse, repeat (but change dishes for laundry or vacuuming etc). 

I'm aware that my brain is starting to misfire. I'm having thoughts I DONT like. I've become a cold bitter woman. It's not me. I'm not this depressed, bummed out, despondent person. I find myself saying "I can't take this anymore" several times a day. I feel like I need to lie down and sleep for a month but there are responsibilities that require me to stay on the hamster wheel, continuing to go 180MPH.

I feel like I'm going to snap. It isn't just that I am still trying to get my disease into remission and come to grips with my new life, there are other external factors pushing me to my breaking point.  

I feel trapped and overwhelmed with my house, the bills, and the fear that if I get a lot worse I'll lose my house ... Then what?!

Then, in all this stress ... There's the complete BULLSHIT stuff!!!

People making ridiculous comments about me. People just ... Being annoying. I can't elaborate here. But it was just more stuff tossed onto the smoldering embers, more wind being blown on those embers to turn into a raging forest fire.

I can't do this. I've given 200% of myself and recently learned that someone had the nerve to say that's not enough.  I can't keep going like this but I don't have a choice. I quite literally don't. 

So this getaway is needed. I need to see the mountains on the drive, smell different air, NOT be in Sonoma County or even California. I plan on not giving work a second thought. I plan on trying NOT to think of this bastard illness.... Except when I have to lather the Purell. 

I need to let my mind untwist itself. There are knots that need serious attention. 

I know there needs to be some changes and when I come back, I pray that I will come back with the strength to commit to those changes with every thing I have to give.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're going to get away. I have been in that emotional place and it's no good for you and will make you even more sick. Your vacation sounds divine and like it will give you the ability to recharge and be strong. Enjoy!

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