Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Chumba Wumba, 50/50

"I get knocked down, but I get up again ..."  Remember that song? 

My life is the reverse of that.  I get up but I get knocked down again.  Every time I start to get a good head on my shoulders, a good plan in place, and feel positive about moving forward ... SOMETHING happens.  

Is it any wonder I get so frustrated at times?  Alas, I also do everything in my power to find the positive in everything so ... I will try to do that now.  I am alive, and what happened this time isn't serious ... yet.  Nor will I allow it to get that way.  

There's a funny and painful thing that happens when you are sick.  It becomes very apparent who your friends are.    It sure makes life easier in the long run when you are able to know without a shadow of a doubt that you can count on some ... and to not even bother to ask for anything from others.  

As of today, that lesson is finally hardened in the cement of my mind.  Maybe that will help me move forward from here carrying a lot less expectation of some people in my life.   Will they notice?  Probably not because I don't show up on their radar unless I'm "needed".  

Anyway, I've spent the day as I was instructed, drinking fluids, and sitting on my ass.  I did, however, get all the laundry done, got dishes out of the sink and into the dishwasher, paid the bills and ... watched a lot of TV.  A lot of TV.  I caught up on the DVR, I watched a wonderful movie called "Quartet".  It would probably be boring to most people I know... but I loved it.  It is about retired British musicians who all live in this special retirement home for retired musicians.  There's some old friends and a little drama between them ... and a lot of ol' people humor. It has a bunch of wonderful British actors that I love ... it was just a sweet, wonderful movie.  It made me miss being a musician with EVERY inch of my body (and there's a lot of inches here!).    I also watched what has joined the ranks of my favorite movies.  "50/50"

I've mentioned this movie here, it's about a young man who gets cancer and all the turmoil that comes with it.  There's the initial denial of things ... then a fear of death, a temper tantrum about being sick all the time, finding out who really cares about you and who you need to remove from your life, etc.  It's a really good movie.  If you haven't seen it, go watch it now.  

Are you still here?  I said go watch it.  

Today has been a day of reflection, it started with me falling into a pit of despair about being knocked down on my ass again.  It morphed from there to just wanting to get some things done since I had a list of stuff to get done today.  There was a moment where I almost returned to the ER because of a sharp sudden popping pain in the area of the infected kidney.  I had a long bout of anger, realizing something about the people around me ... and now, I'm contemplating my bedtime.  

Just what will tomorrow bring? 

Another day of ordered rest, another day of water drinking, another day of antibiotics and  painkillers.  But, will I be able to wear my positive hat, or will I be a bitter betty again? 

If you're reading this, and unafflicted by cancer or the bastard that is Wegener's ... take a step back and look at your life.  Look at all you have done.   You may be thinking that you haven't done all the things you wanted to ... but look at what you HAVE done.  Look at it for real.  All the way down to the teeny tiny minuscule parts.  

Cherish and hold onto every tiny detail.  Tell those that you love how much you feel about them, how grateful you are for their presence in your life.  Life is short, it's unpredictable, and can end in an instant.  Tomorrow is no guarantee.  Even if you think you are living the most honest, pure life that you can ... it doesn't matter.  Everything can change in a heart beat.  

Believe me, I know.  


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