Monday, April 14, 2014


Have you ever tried to walk in Jell-O? I haven't myself but I imagine it would be impossible to do.  It's like thick and gelatinous ... hard? 

I feel like I am trying to walk in Jell-O today.  I haven't felt this amount of fatigue in at least a year.  I know it's that long because that was when the fatigue was the worst ... during my radiation treatments.  When I walk, it's like there is a current pressing against them, making it difficult to have any sort of forward motion.  It's amazing I was able to get what little walk I had earlier today in!  I'll admit I was happy when my dog signaled that he was done walking.

I didn't even wake up for my class this morning.  I really wanted to go too.  When I opened my eyes, I grabbed my phone to check the time and gasped to see that it was 0930am.  Oops.  But, apparently, I needed it.  Even waking up at 0930 was only 8 hours of sleep.  It's not like I had this marathon of snoozing.  I got off work at 1am and wasn't in bed until 0130.  I laid in bed and felt pretty darn good, but when it came time to sitting up and functioning ... well, that's where everything changed.

I don't hope this doesn't mean anything ominous.  I don't want to be having a "flare".  My nose has been bothering me something fierce lately.  It feels ... well, I'm not really sure how I can describe it.  Sometimes, I feel as if I have a massive sneeze coming on, only I know I am not going to sneeze.  Then others, it feels like the air I am breathing in is ICE COLD even though the air around me is not, in fact, cold at all.    Some days it just plain hurts alllll day, throbbing, or aching.  It hurts today.  But ... it's different. There's more ... I don't know.  It feels like I am breaking down. 

This came up yesterday during my stress-fest.  I am working too much.  I am going to hit a wall ... I'm worried that things are going to go downhill and fast and I don't know what the repercussions are.  This could all just be because I've worked too much ... it could all be because I haven't got really good sleep for awhile.  Honestly?  That is what I am hoping this is .... but I'm still fearful.

I got off easy when my disease presented itself.  The only damage done to me was that I gained a bunch of weight.  That can be fixed.  All of my vital organs work the way they are supposed to and I can function like a mostly normal person. 

My fear is if it comes back ... what if I think it's just exhaustion and don't go to the doctor?  What if there is irreparable damage this time around?  Kidney failure?  Saddle nose?  What if I don't prevent something like that from happening. 

You'd think, since I have this, that they could catch it before it goes that route.  However, I'm not your normal patient.  I don't just work 40 hours a day, 5 days a week.  I work 10-16 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I work in a high stress environment, I deal with drama non-stop all day long and not just in my job duties.  I'm not in a good place as far as all of that goes.  So ... it's only natural that either a flare will happen because of environmental reasons or ... because I brushed it off as being sleepy.

Do I want to run to my doctor every time I have a pain somewhere?  No.  But, I don't want to not go and end up in trouble.  

Sometimes, I just don't know what to do!


  1. Better safe than sorry. I never ignore exhaustion combined with pain. And if you're working that much and you cannot rest more, I'd say go. I tend to fight mine by staying in bed and doing nothing. But you can't. You might need a medication adjustment. I hope you feel better soon! :(

  2. Is there any way you can cut down your overtime??? Even before you got sick you worked too much to be considered healthy. You need to take care of YOU, now more than ever. *hugs