Thursday, April 3, 2014

I can.

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!  - Eminem "Not Afraid"

Who woulda thunk it?  Eminem lyrics as an inspirational quote.  Maybe it wouldn't be your first choice but, this bridge always gets me feeling energized and motivated.  In fact, I listened to this song 5x yesterday between the drive to work and the drive home.  I just kept hitting the back button and listening to it over and over again.  I have a VERY short commute so ... I did what I could. 

Eminem may seem like a hard lyricist to understand and find inspiration in.  I have to thank my musically gifted ear to be able to learn and memorize song lyrics very quickly.  Eminem is always a challenge for me but ... when you actually hear the words, his songs are very good and not just about bad words. 

Anyway, I've really had enough of the drama and stress in my life.  Yea, I have said this before.  I'm a broken record.  But, I've had it!  It's getting SO old!!! I keep thinking of running back to the Peppermill ( )and hiding out there for a few days. Not once while I was there did I think about anything going on back here.  I even pretended there was nothing wrong with me! It was wonderful.  Alas, here I am ... back in the routine that doesn't quit.

My body is angry at me.  My joints are starting to speak up, vying for attention over the wall of fatigue.  My right shoulder has moments of extreme pain and last night, I could feel every joint in my body from where my skull sits on the top of my vertebrae down to each individual toe.  It wasn't fun.  I wanted to go sink into a warm bath but ... my bathtub is only a good bathtub for people who are toddler sized. 

It could be stress.  Stress does have a way of affecting our bodies in ways we wouldn't think.  Stress would give you a headache, sure, but it can also give you the flu, a cold, a heart attack, and ... joint pain?  I don't know.  My bastard disease monster, Boris, likes to eat my joints to.  It could be either one.

Monday evening, my dog decided to cough, do a weird reverse sneeze thing that sounded like was dying, shake, pant, pace and whimper.  My husband took him to the vet, they didn't see anything wrong so he came home. It only got worse.  I sat awake all night watching him, wondering what was going on.

I know I don't have "kids" ... I can't have them.  At least not any time soon and who knows when that will all change.  Right now, my animals are all I've got.  My dog has been my constant companion during all this disease diagnosis.  He's not a registered service dog but he sure has been my emotional support.  I am not ready to let him go.  It was a loooooong scary night.

We took him to the vet first thing Tuesday morning and they scoped his nose, his throat, did x-rays, etc.  The vet things there may have been a foreign body in his nose or throat but he'd already expelled it.  She found inflammation and mucuous in the nasal and throat passages so she flushed it out.  She also noted a neck injury on the x-rays.  He's now on antibiotics and prednisone (like dog mom, like baby dog), and isn't supposed to jump on and off the furniture.  (This hasn't been easy)  He is at the vet today for observation since I came to work and Dan was working.  They are going to keep an eye on him to see if he does it again.  

It just keep being one other thing going on.  I am trying so hard to get my life back under control.  I need my routine again.  I'm giving up my split shift and going back to my regular Mon-Thu 3pm-1am shift.  It's not dayshift, but ... it will be a routine.  I need to get regular sleep.  I need to have a regular 4 days in a row shift so that I may incorporate working out back into my daily life.  I need to have a regular schedule to get my diet back under control.  I need to lose weight.  I need to lose A LOT OF WEIGHT.

An old friend is a consultant with herbalife ( ) so I was looking at their products.  I also looked into ( ) because I think I need a structured program to get me on track.  Doing it on my own at the beginning allows me to stray off the path.  Too many options to choose from ... so I choose badly.  Do you see what I'm saying?

I don't know, we'll see.  I'm not exactly in a financial position to get any of these products.  But, I don't want that to be just another excuse that keeps me from getting on track again.  I know I can do this.  I was doing it before.  I am perfectly capable of losing weight, working out, eating right.  I just need to get on the horse again and I need help doing it.

I need guidance because of everything else I have to take into consideration.  I am admitting I need help this time.  Until I can afford those programs, I need money to get some dang groceries to at least try to eat better in the meantime!!!

I just need a change.  Something's gotta give.  I need to get back on track, I need control again.  It will help me feel like my life isn't spiraling down the drain!!!!!

As it said at the beginning, ... "Time to put my life back together right now!"

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