Last night, I wrote a post on my iPhone, while lying in bed, after taking a sleep aid. While reading it this morning, I spotted a few typos and autocorrect working it's magic in other places. Oops. Note to self: No more blogging while taking sleep aids. However, at least it wasn't some clearly off the wall blather. It's all very true.
I'm not meant for this anonymous life. No, I don't exactly want all the fame that comes with being in some sort of performance life. I just want that life. I want to create. Play a role, sing a song, play a tune, change it up, different places, different faces. I want to be doing what I love. And, while I do actually LOVE my job, it's not the dream I set out for as a child. It's not what I thought I would be doing.
None of this is.
I know there are people out there who have big dreams that never came to fruition. I'm not the only person living a life less like the one they imagined. But, it's weighing on me a lot. That's what happens when life hands you something that makes you take stock of your life as it is, and how it would be remembered if it ended.
While trying to correct my own personal mistakes of letting people have control over my moods and emotions, I've done a crap-ton of thinking. I've learned a lot about myself. I think I'm pretty darn awesome as a whole. Yes, I'd change a few things like losing weight (which I can do), maybe a smaller nose. But, I'm pretty cool. I love to laugh, I like to crack jokes, I want people around me to be happy. I've been through some stuff in my life but, it doesn't define me. And, I'm doing my damndest to make sure this dumb illness doesn't define me either. I'm tough. I'm not fearless by any means but ... I'm not a total fraidy cat. Just a small one.
I'm wise beyond my years but behave stupidly at times. I know that. But, my brain is in the right place. I know things. I'm street smart. I'm pretty book smart too just ... please don't ask me to do math. Math and I had a volatile relationship in school and now we have that kind of relationship based on pure necessity. I don't allow Math into my life more than he needs to be there.
I'm a good person. I have a good heart. I think I have a pretty pure heart. I love people for the mere fact that they are people. I don't judge people based on their skin tone, sexual preference, weight, hair color, religion, or lifestyle beliefs. Everyone is different in their own way, and ... every has a battle of their own that they are facing. I'll never say that I have it worse than someone ... because to me my battle is huge, but to them, it could be small and whatever they are dealing with seems HUGE.
I don't judge people from our initial contacts. Most of my opinions come from experiences I have with people. Piss me off and I'm probably going to stay mad for a long time though.
Anyway, I think I'm pretty awesome, but ... I'm not going to go around advertising that. There are some things that need to stay quiet. And, I think I'm awesome on the inside. The kind of awesome that is kept to oneself. I'm a good person, I live an honest life. I have a passion for the arts ... but that's not in the cards for me. So, these things will continue to be hobbies of mine (in-car concerts anyone?) that make me truly 100% happy. And, if I don't lose those things to this illness (vocal cord damage, hearing loss, blindness) I'll be a happy girl.
And to touch lightly on the acting thing ... I will be expecting the Academy to call me any day now with my Oscar nomination. I mean, I am really good at pretending there is NOTHING wrong with me when everything is going wrong. I do it a lot. Because, in all of this awesomeness and enlightenment, I have some very bad days. However, those are for me to deal with ... no one else needs to deal with.
Long story short, I wish I could be out there doing something bigger ... that way, when it all ends I can look back and know I did everything I could with the life I was given. Maybe I'd make a bigger mark ... it wouldn't be just me fading off into the distance, leaving only a hole at work with a lot of overtime to cover.
I rock at being who I am I guess. That's going to have to be OK. I can be a movie star or rock star in my own mind. I can daydream of going on a book tour, seeing my work in print. Dreams are good. I'm not letting go of mine ...
You shouldn't let go of yours either.