Sunday, April 13, 2014

Oh Bother

Like my pal, Eeyore, I'm having a gloomy day. 

Bad days happen.  For me?  Sometimes, they snowball and before I know it, the bad day is an avalanche and I am underneath it, gasping for air.  Today is one of those avalanche days.  Many a dark thought has crossed my mind today.   Too dark, in my opinion, it's like the door opened and I slipped into that bleak, vast, space.  Don't worry, I merely stepped a foot inside, I'll get back out of it. 

Like most people, it all comes down to the money.  Isn't that always the case?  Ugh.  Unless you're independently wealthy or EXTREMELY famous, there's just never enough of the greenbacks to go around.   However, in my case, that should NEVER happen.  Not that I am rich in any sense of the word but ... what I make should more than cover it all. 

Except when there's too much to cover.

An exceptionally large house payment (Thank You Sonoma County for being so desirable and downright impossible to afford), 1 car payment, 1 lease payment and the various sundry expenses that come with needing to spruce up a "Bad Flip".  Of course, there's frivolous crap that I am shamed to admit.  And ... tax bills!  Yippee!  I'm so happy to live in America where I make good money so ... I PAY MORE TAXES!   I'll owe this year too, just add it to last years and make this a never ending battle of wills between me and the IRS. 

Unfortunately, when things like this happen, a carefully constructed paper mache shell cracks down the middle and everything comes spilling out.  Things that I've worked so hard to lock away burst forth and want to take center stage.  Forget the money, forget the bills ... remember me?  Your bloody disease? Remember me?  The sad thoughts about your weight?  How you're not pretty enough?  Remember how you feel like just a face in the crowd?  No one would care if you weren't here anymore, you stupid girl.  Life would go on like you never existed.    You'll never have kids ... hear everyone happily talking about their kids ... you won't ever have that .... You'll always be that "sick girl" ... on chemo drugs, fat from steroids and bad food choices, too tired to go work out again, too quick to let an excuse get in the way of what you need to be doing.  Yea ... that's you.  You're a loser.

Yea.  It's not pretty. 

So that's the kind of day I'm having.  I lost my shell.  Everything is smacking me in the face, then in the gut, a swift kick to the rear, oops, I tripped.  It's like a million voices in my head screaming at me and they aren't saying nice things.  

No I'm not hearing voices like that.  It's a metaphor!!!

Imagine walking down a hallway, picture your standard movie high school hallway.  It's crowded with people and you're walking down the middle.  All of those people are turned towards you, in your face, screaming at you.  They say the most AWFUL things.  That's what it feels like in my head when I have these days. 

What a stark change it is from the previous entry, isn't this?  I was aware of the things that were GOOD about me.  I owned them.  Because, in my heart of hearts, I KNOW there are things about me that are good, and I KNOW those things listed above aren't true.  Why?  Because whenever I have those dark, twisted, macabre thoughts, there are two faces that flash in my mind ... two distraught upset faces, a six year old and an eight year old ... I can see their faces as clear as a summer's day ... as clear as if they were sitting in front of me.  I made a promise that day that I would NEVER do anything to hurt those two little boys.  So ... no.  I'm not ever going to do anything bad to myself. 

Anyway, I know that the things my brain wants to tell me aren't exactly true.  But, sometimes, I can't fight against them and I fall victim to myself.  I get mad at the world, I get upset at myself, I wonder what I did to deserve the things that have been done to me.  These loud questions drown out the little voice that is trying desperately to be heard saying "But you still have it better than other people ..."   She gets lost in it all.

I know that most of what is weighing on me isn't forever.  Bills will eventually get paid off, a house can be refinanced to lower the payment.  Some of it will stay with me forever ... case in point, the disease that lives in my immune system, lurking in the shadows and waiting to take shots at me, or ... the ominous cancer cloud that hovers in my peripheral.  I have to learn to live with those things .... or die. 

Bad days happen.  This won't be the last time I feel like this.  I just hope that I learn better ways to deal with it.  Maybe allowing myself a few moments of self pity, maybe an afternoon of laying in bed with the covers pulled over my head.  I know I need to stay out of that dark, shadowy place.  It's not good for me. 

Time to pick myself up by the collar, dust off the dirt and grime, shake off the dark cloud dancing around my head, stand up straight,  shoulders back, eyes forward ... "Chins up, Smiles On"  and get out of this funk.  

In 24 minutes it will be Monday ... Sunday will be behind me.  Here's to a better day tomorrow!

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