Saturday, April 19, 2014

Run...

If only life were like a dry erase board.  Oops, I screwed up, swipe, erase, start over. It would be so much easier! Granted, everyone would have everything they wanted and there would be no reason to work harder to achieve goals but still ...

I'd like a do-over. 

Life is pushing at me. It's pushed me to my breaking point sometimes. I stand at the intersection of the current path I'm on and some other mystery road and I wish with everything I have to be able to turn and run down that road into who knows what. 

Multiple times a day I wish I could get in my car and drive off, only a burner cell phone in my pocket. I'd leave the traceable phone behind. No one would find me. Just ... Go.  

That would be running away though. Unfortunately, I know enough to know that it doesn't solve a damn thing.  Problems follow like a shadow. Especially mine. Mine are like crappy luggage. If I ran away tomorrow, I'd still have dumb ass debt, I'd still have cancer and I'd still have Wegener's. See? Not much point in running off.

Wouldn't it be nice though?! 

I could slip into some new town, a nameless face in the crowd. Maybe I could have a whole new story.  I could be some happy girl with a happy past. No health problems. No baggage. Just me. 

I don't want to leave the people in my life. Hell, I even love my job. It's just that I'm not living. 

I want to run away ... Far far far far away. It's not the adult, mature, responsible thing to do.  Ugh. I want to press restart on everything.

I'd gladly take a fairy godmother right now. She could bibbity bobbity boo some stuff into a better situation, I'm punctual, I'd get back by midnight. I promise. 

No?

Damn. A girl can dream. I feel like that's all I have left. Daydreams, fantasies, any small shred of time where I can escape things. 

It's still not enough.  Real life is a crapshoot and I rolled crappy. Not completely. There is good in all this stress but sometimes it's hard to see it.   

It's tempting to go, run, flee, escape.  But, it's just a fantasy. It will stay that way. 

After all, I don't run. :) 



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